As of today I weigh 244 pounds exactly and I am down 89 pounds! My brain tells me this is a major accomplishment and I know it's good, but then I look in the mirror.... (Start the Psycho movie music here, or The Twilight Zone music, if you prefer)...
My stomach is sagging and folding in on itself and looks much like a butt on my front with a crack and all. That part has been coming for months, so although it's gross and ugly, it's not so shocking to me. Tonight, I made the mistake of scanning lower. Uggghhhh.... My thighs are parting (like a crack running up them to my "butt in the front" and they are sagging too. Losing this much weight is NOT pretty. The skin and the sagging is horrifying and I feel UGLY. :(
My logic tells me that this is part of the process and that it's only temporary but to be honest, one day looking like this is TOO DAMN MUCH. I am feeling so insecure and unsure of what I have done today. I think in many ways I look worse than I did and that feels awful.
Another nasty side effect to the VSG seems to be coming in now as well. I had feared this and it *seems* to be coming true. Right now I am trying hard not to overreact but it seems pretty obvious to me. Women are starting to see me differently and treat me differently. I guess I am less of the fat friend who made them feel safe or better about themselves and more of a potential threat or something. Despite working HARD not to seem like I am flirting or even talking too much to their husbands, they are getting catty and nasty with me. I am getting dirty looks, rolling of the eyes and being ignored by people that I have long considered friends. It makes me really sad. I don't understand why people can't just be happy for the small success I have had. I am no threat for heaven sake! I am happily married and not even mildly attracted to ANY of my friends' men. Although I am a Real Estate Broker during the week, I also work as a part time karaoke host on the weekends for a constant stable paycheck. Every single year for two weeks, the bar I work in closes for the owners to take a trip abroad. They don't trust anyone other than family to run the restaurant/bar so they just close for the whole family to vacation. Well, for the last two weeks I have been off work on the weekends. I made it clear before I was off that I wanted to use that time to see my friends and go sing karaoke somewhere else with my friends as a patron instead of as a host. One night of both weekends I texted friends to let them know where we were going and invite them to come along, and not one person came. I was very saddened by that but then really hurt when we switched bars one night to find them there without inviting us! OUCH. So these people that I spend every weekend with thinking they are not just patrons but my friends really don't want to be around me anymore. One particularly catty and jealous "friend" of mine even looked disappointed that I had found them as we walked in. Wow.... I lose 89 pounds and it just suddenly changes everything, huh? I'm still the same person! :( I am really sad that this is how it's going to be. I look like a fat middle-aged woman with sagging skin. Do you REALLY see me as a threat? And why in the world would you think for a second that I am attracted to your overweight unattractive husband in the first place? I have NEVER flirted with him or done anything to make you uncomfortable, regardless of the fact that you love to drag my husband on the dance floor to grind on him.... Good grief. Now I remember why I don't have many female friends. We are a pathetic, jealous bunch of bitches. I am embarrassed to be the same sex as some of these people. I wonder how many friends I am going to lose as the weight continues to drop off..... :(
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Running toward the 100 pound mark!
Things are going well. I am a little bit more tired than usual, but overall I am doing well. I am getting in my protein, trying my best to get more than about 400+ calories in per day and losing weight like a fiend! I am now down 86 pounds and getting really excited about reaching the 100 pounds lost mark!
I am noticing more and more loose and sagging skin. It's all over - my neck, my face, my arms, my legs, my butt and my stomach. I guess I was pretty much packed full like a damn sausage. :( I continue to use my "Firming Lotion" on all of the saggy parts and I actually have noticed that my arms are sucking up a little bit. I've been reading more about skin removal and tummy tucks. It seems some plastic surgeons are recommending that we wait for a year after reaching goal to see what will truly be necessary and what will suck up on it's own. I'm not sure I can drag this skin around for another 18 months, but it may be what is required. Uggghhh...
I still don't see any new growth of hair and I am more and more lacking with every passing day. I wake up every morning with dreadlocks (two of them to be exact). My falling hair just keeps tangling in itself and making a nasty mess for me to comb everyday. I keep wondering just when exactly it might stop falling out. It's starting to really look like it's ALL going to come out. A friend's nutritionist assures me that it will grow back and might even be thicker than before due to all of the good vitamins and protein. I'm as always HIGHLY impatient. It's going to be years before my hair is back at any decent length.... This part sucks for sure.
My new goal is to be below 200 pounds by March 1, 2013. I am 47 pounds from 200 right now, so I am well on my way!
I am noticing more and more loose and sagging skin. It's all over - my neck, my face, my arms, my legs, my butt and my stomach. I guess I was pretty much packed full like a damn sausage. :( I continue to use my "Firming Lotion" on all of the saggy parts and I actually have noticed that my arms are sucking up a little bit. I've been reading more about skin removal and tummy tucks. It seems some plastic surgeons are recommending that we wait for a year after reaching goal to see what will truly be necessary and what will suck up on it's own. I'm not sure I can drag this skin around for another 18 months, but it may be what is required. Uggghhh...
I still don't see any new growth of hair and I am more and more lacking with every passing day. I wake up every morning with dreadlocks (two of them to be exact). My falling hair just keeps tangling in itself and making a nasty mess for me to comb everyday. I keep wondering just when exactly it might stop falling out. It's starting to really look like it's ALL going to come out. A friend's nutritionist assures me that it will grow back and might even be thicker than before due to all of the good vitamins and protein. I'm as always HIGHLY impatient. It's going to be years before my hair is back at any decent length.... This part sucks for sure.
My new goal is to be below 200 pounds by March 1, 2013. I am 47 pounds from 200 right now, so I am well on my way!
Friday, November 23, 2012
Four Months Post-Op
Well, today marks exactly four months by the calendar since my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. Every week is a little different and sometimes each day gives me a new challenge or a new victory. I am still learning to eat and drink adequately and I am still striving to keep my mind in line with my new body.
On the eating front, I am getting in between 400 and 700 calories a day and that is working pretty hard at eating something every 3-4 hours. I am generally getting the required 60 grams of protein each day, but despite my valiant efforts, my hair is almost completely gone now. I had read about hair loss after this surgery but I had no idea how dramatic it would be for me. It's been difficult and a little bit humiliating. I am too vain to go out in public with my little wispy strand of hair so I have opted for wearing a wig. That's a whole new experience for me in itself. It's like constantly wearing a hat and it has really been hard to feel comfortable with something planted on my head that neither looks natural to me or feels right. I have received lots of compliments on my "hair" but I also know that most people can see that it's a wig and they sneer and roll their eyes sometimes. How judgmental people are when they know NOTHING of one's situation.... :( I continue to take my Bariatric Surgery vitamins and also Biotin daily but I don't see any real new hair growth yet. It's going to be awhile I think. Water drinking has improved. I can now swallow more at once than a couple of months ago and it's easier to get my 64+ ounces in per day. I am also developing a slight bit of thirst again here and there which has made it easier to drink adequate amounts.
Here is a picture of me before the surgery and after the surgery to show my hair. It's been pretty shocking, and NO, I won't be posting a pic of me without the wig on. I look much like a cancer patient.
My husband tells me that my face is very different now and that I look "like a different person." He's not the best at hiding his emotions on his face and sometimes I can tell he is looking at me with some fear. I know he wonders sometimes if I AM the same person. Rest assured all around me, I AM THE SAME PERSON.
Can you see the difference in me? The first picture was take July 6th, 2012 and the second picture was taken November 22, 2012. I had surgery on July 23rd, 2012.
Other than the wig issue, I am very happy and proud to announce that I have now lost 84 POUNDS.
I was wearing a size 28 (pushing hard into a 30) and now I am almost a true 18. Size 20s are getting baggier each day. I need to lose at least another 50 pounds to feel good about myself, but would really like to lose another 96. Only time will tell where I end up and how much I will lose in the end. Speaking of my "end", it's sure a lot smaller these days but it's also drooping and even walking at a good clip on the treadmill (on the days when my Rheumatoid Arthritis allows it) hasn't toned that. The whole loose skin syndrome is really starting to show and I am more and more self-conscious about my sagging gut and loose skin. :( All in time. I keep telling myself this. When the weight is gone, I will have the skin removed (even if I have to sell my freaking body to pay for it) and I will be ok. Scars are better than looking like a Shar Pei.
My husband asked me again the other day with a very sober face, "Do you regret it?" I sat and actually thought on that question for a minute. Stomach pain (extreme hunger), having an unsatisfying BM about every 9 days, tiredness and trying to constantly micro-manage every tiny thing that goes into my mouth aside, I would have to say that I am honestly not regretting this at all. I am getting my life back, my self-esteem back and I am starting to be looked upon and talked to like a normal person again. The value of that is priceless. Would I recommend this surgery to someone considering it today? Absolutely. Get your life back. This is NOT the easy way out and it's not going to fix your obesity by itself, but with hard work, discipline and much courage, you can have your life back.
On the eating front, I am getting in between 400 and 700 calories a day and that is working pretty hard at eating something every 3-4 hours. I am generally getting the required 60 grams of protein each day, but despite my valiant efforts, my hair is almost completely gone now. I had read about hair loss after this surgery but I had no idea how dramatic it would be for me. It's been difficult and a little bit humiliating. I am too vain to go out in public with my little wispy strand of hair so I have opted for wearing a wig. That's a whole new experience for me in itself. It's like constantly wearing a hat and it has really been hard to feel comfortable with something planted on my head that neither looks natural to me or feels right. I have received lots of compliments on my "hair" but I also know that most people can see that it's a wig and they sneer and roll their eyes sometimes. How judgmental people are when they know NOTHING of one's situation.... :( I continue to take my Bariatric Surgery vitamins and also Biotin daily but I don't see any real new hair growth yet. It's going to be awhile I think. Water drinking has improved. I can now swallow more at once than a couple of months ago and it's easier to get my 64+ ounces in per day. I am also developing a slight bit of thirst again here and there which has made it easier to drink adequate amounts.
Here is a picture of me before the surgery and after the surgery to show my hair. It's been pretty shocking, and NO, I won't be posting a pic of me without the wig on. I look much like a cancer patient.
Can you see the difference in me? The first picture was take July 6th, 2012 and the second picture was taken November 22, 2012. I had surgery on July 23rd, 2012.
Other than the wig issue, I am very happy and proud to announce that I have now lost 84 POUNDS.
I was wearing a size 28 (pushing hard into a 30) and now I am almost a true 18. Size 20s are getting baggier each day. I need to lose at least another 50 pounds to feel good about myself, but would really like to lose another 96. Only time will tell where I end up and how much I will lose in the end. Speaking of my "end", it's sure a lot smaller these days but it's also drooping and even walking at a good clip on the treadmill (on the days when my Rheumatoid Arthritis allows it) hasn't toned that. The whole loose skin syndrome is really starting to show and I am more and more self-conscious about my sagging gut and loose skin. :( All in time. I keep telling myself this. When the weight is gone, I will have the skin removed (even if I have to sell my freaking body to pay for it) and I will be ok. Scars are better than looking like a Shar Pei.
My husband asked me again the other day with a very sober face, "Do you regret it?" I sat and actually thought on that question for a minute. Stomach pain (extreme hunger), having an unsatisfying BM about every 9 days, tiredness and trying to constantly micro-manage every tiny thing that goes into my mouth aside, I would have to say that I am honestly not regretting this at all. I am getting my life back, my self-esteem back and I am starting to be looked upon and talked to like a normal person again. The value of that is priceless. Would I recommend this surgery to someone considering it today? Absolutely. Get your life back. This is NOT the easy way out and it's not going to fix your obesity by itself, but with hard work, discipline and much courage, you can have your life back.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Drowning...
It's been awhile and usually one could assume that all is well and that's why I haven't posted anything. Well, I guess that's true and false for me.
I continue to struggle with getting in 64+oz. of water a day. It's so dang hard to drink ALL OF THE TIME unless it's 30 minutes before I eat or 30 minutes after I eat. I am probably trying too hard and over thinking this, but I swear it's a full time job just making sure I eat enough and drink enough every day! Most of the time my tummy (or sleeve as I call it) is ok now. I do still have a flood of acid in the morning upon waking, so I literally reach onto the nightstand and grab an acid pill (like Prevacid) and swallow it with water before I even fully wake up. That seems to help calm the acid down and let me feel pretty good. I have heard from other "sleevers" that taking an acid pill is required for the first 6 months until the stomach is totally healed, so I don't feel odd about it. I am getting a lot more water in me these days and my calorie intake is up to about 500-600 calories a day when I work hard at it. I got in 78 grams of protein the other day and that was the most by far that I have gotten since the surgery! I had two protein shakes that day which gave me 50 grams right there - a great way to get it all in - just wish they tasted better. Yuck!
All of the water going in has NOT helped me with the continuous water retention I have been experiencing though. :( My feet and ankles are LARGE and puffy and the skin actually itches and hurts on them and feel so tight! It's been very uncomfortable. I have theorized that the evil estrogen that haunts me yet could be the culprit. As I am burning fat, the estrogen stored in my fat cells is released and floating in my bloodstream. This has certainly wreaked complete havoc on my moods, and it seems plausible that it is also causing the moderate to severe water retention (edema) now.
I got down to 276 and then it was almost as if my body worked hard to hold water to keep me closer to 280. I lived at 280 for many months a few years ago when I was on Atkins for 18 months and lost a good chunk of weight. I wonder still if my body feels like 280 is a good place to stay...? Anyway, I would see the scale move down and then the next day right back up to 277, 278. It was maddening! I KNOW I am losing weight when I am eating so little and my energy levels have been higher, so I have been moving around more - feeling a little able to be more active. It's been two weeks of this and finally the pain in my feet, ankles, knees and hips was enough for me to realize that I am FULL of water! I saw my PCP this morning. He was amazed at how swollen I was for morning and immediately wrote me a scrip for a pretty strong diuretic (water pill) to start to get rid of some of this water. He thought that my "Estrogen Theory" had merit but also said that it could just be that my body has some imbalances that it's trying to compensate for. He did order a blood draw for my iron levels and electrolytes as he said I am "pale and tired looking". We'll see what those tell us. I think I was tired and pale from working for two days painting and redecorating my living room - another side effect of having a little more energy and less weight to drag around. He chuckled when he looked at my weight at check in today. "You have now lost a First Grader", he said. Seemed a little harsh, but he's right! I DO feel accomplished. :)
I got on the scale this afternoon as I took my first water pill. I weighed in at 279.2 pounds. DAMN WATER. The pill made a great first stab at the swelling and within 90 minutes I weighed 274.8. I was literally peeing every 10 minutes for awhile there! HOLY COW! I still have I bet 6-10 pounds of water on me, so we will see how much I weigh tomorrow night. LOL It's nice to see the scale moving down once more, as the weight had been lost, but the water wasn't allowing me to see it.
The doc asked me today, "Would you do it over"? I had to think for a moment, but I told him, "yes". It's a very hard road, with pain, and mental pain as well. I have had many down days (no doubt from my enemy estrogen) and I have spent a huge amount of time trying to calculate my daily protein intake and water consumption. It's NOT an easy path, but fact is, it's working!!
I continue to struggle with getting in 64+oz. of water a day. It's so dang hard to drink ALL OF THE TIME unless it's 30 minutes before I eat or 30 minutes after I eat. I am probably trying too hard and over thinking this, but I swear it's a full time job just making sure I eat enough and drink enough every day! Most of the time my tummy (or sleeve as I call it) is ok now. I do still have a flood of acid in the morning upon waking, so I literally reach onto the nightstand and grab an acid pill (like Prevacid) and swallow it with water before I even fully wake up. That seems to help calm the acid down and let me feel pretty good. I have heard from other "sleevers" that taking an acid pill is required for the first 6 months until the stomach is totally healed, so I don't feel odd about it. I am getting a lot more water in me these days and my calorie intake is up to about 500-600 calories a day when I work hard at it. I got in 78 grams of protein the other day and that was the most by far that I have gotten since the surgery! I had two protein shakes that day which gave me 50 grams right there - a great way to get it all in - just wish they tasted better. Yuck!
All of the water going in has NOT helped me with the continuous water retention I have been experiencing though. :( My feet and ankles are LARGE and puffy and the skin actually itches and hurts on them and feel so tight! It's been very uncomfortable. I have theorized that the evil estrogen that haunts me yet could be the culprit. As I am burning fat, the estrogen stored in my fat cells is released and floating in my bloodstream. This has certainly wreaked complete havoc on my moods, and it seems plausible that it is also causing the moderate to severe water retention (edema) now.
I got down to 276 and then it was almost as if my body worked hard to hold water to keep me closer to 280. I lived at 280 for many months a few years ago when I was on Atkins for 18 months and lost a good chunk of weight. I wonder still if my body feels like 280 is a good place to stay...? Anyway, I would see the scale move down and then the next day right back up to 277, 278. It was maddening! I KNOW I am losing weight when I am eating so little and my energy levels have been higher, so I have been moving around more - feeling a little able to be more active. It's been two weeks of this and finally the pain in my feet, ankles, knees and hips was enough for me to realize that I am FULL of water! I saw my PCP this morning. He was amazed at how swollen I was for morning and immediately wrote me a scrip for a pretty strong diuretic (water pill) to start to get rid of some of this water. He thought that my "Estrogen Theory" had merit but also said that it could just be that my body has some imbalances that it's trying to compensate for. He did order a blood draw for my iron levels and electrolytes as he said I am "pale and tired looking". We'll see what those tell us. I think I was tired and pale from working for two days painting and redecorating my living room - another side effect of having a little more energy and less weight to drag around. He chuckled when he looked at my weight at check in today. "You have now lost a First Grader", he said. Seemed a little harsh, but he's right! I DO feel accomplished. :)
I got on the scale this afternoon as I took my first water pill. I weighed in at 279.2 pounds. DAMN WATER. The pill made a great first stab at the swelling and within 90 minutes I weighed 274.8. I was literally peeing every 10 minutes for awhile there! HOLY COW! I still have I bet 6-10 pounds of water on me, so we will see how much I weigh tomorrow night. LOL It's nice to see the scale moving down once more, as the weight had been lost, but the water wasn't allowing me to see it.
The doc asked me today, "Would you do it over"? I had to think for a moment, but I told him, "yes". It's a very hard road, with pain, and mental pain as well. I have had many down days (no doubt from my enemy estrogen) and I have spent a huge amount of time trying to calculate my daily protein intake and water consumption. It's NOT an easy path, but fact is, it's working!!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Moving Right Along!
The last couple of weeks have been full of emotional ups and downs. I continue to struggle most days with getting in 64oz of water and I have had only a couple of days where I actually got above 60 required grams of protein in one day. It continues to be kind of an annoying, tedious task to eat when not hungry and drink when not thirsty, but I am working hard at it.
The loss of weight has given me more energy for sure. Dragging that extra weight around is tiring at best and without it I am moving more and not hurting quite as much from the Osteoarthritis in my knees. I have now lost 57 pounds since starting my pre-op liquid diet in June of 2012 and I am going strong!
My stomach hurts when I'm hungry and I know to eat some protein. My throat and/or lips get dry and I know to drink. It's so odd still - eating and drinking only for need. The days of eating and snacking and enjoying meals are long gone. Sometimes it's a little bit hard and sad for me, admittedly. I have been very fortunate with this surgery though. I have no hunger, no thirst and really no "head hunger" to speak of. On a rare occasion I will think of something that sounds good to eat, but then within literally a minute or two, the thought it gone. I have not suffered from cravings of foods that are not something I can eat.
Every once in awhile I wonder if I have made the right decision. The gnawing pain in my stomach at times and the occasional intestinal upset, which is as of yet unexplained, are not the most fun to experience. It's hard to think about never eating a normal meal again. It's sad to know that I will never again comfort myself with chocolate when I'm "PMSing", and it's weird to think of family holidays and dinners where I will cook all day to watch everyone else eat. The real truth of it is that there is nothing that tastes as good as feeling good about myself feels. I am feeling more confident and happy every single day. I have SO many pounds yet to lose, but I am starting to see a real difference in my body and I am relieved to know that every single pound that I burn away will NEVER return!
Yes, this surgery is not for the faint of heart and certainly not for someone that is not commited to eating differently for the rest of their life. If you can "stomach" this surgery though, you can have your life back and feel really good about yourself again! More soon...
The loss of weight has given me more energy for sure. Dragging that extra weight around is tiring at best and without it I am moving more and not hurting quite as much from the Osteoarthritis in my knees. I have now lost 57 pounds since starting my pre-op liquid diet in June of 2012 and I am going strong!
My stomach hurts when I'm hungry and I know to eat some protein. My throat and/or lips get dry and I know to drink. It's so odd still - eating and drinking only for need. The days of eating and snacking and enjoying meals are long gone. Sometimes it's a little bit hard and sad for me, admittedly. I have been very fortunate with this surgery though. I have no hunger, no thirst and really no "head hunger" to speak of. On a rare occasion I will think of something that sounds good to eat, but then within literally a minute or two, the thought it gone. I have not suffered from cravings of foods that are not something I can eat.
Every once in awhile I wonder if I have made the right decision. The gnawing pain in my stomach at times and the occasional intestinal upset, which is as of yet unexplained, are not the most fun to experience. It's hard to think about never eating a normal meal again. It's sad to know that I will never again comfort myself with chocolate when I'm "PMSing", and it's weird to think of family holidays and dinners where I will cook all day to watch everyone else eat. The real truth of it is that there is nothing that tastes as good as feeling good about myself feels. I am feeling more confident and happy every single day. I have SO many pounds yet to lose, but I am starting to see a real difference in my body and I am relieved to know that every single pound that I burn away will NEVER return!
Yes, this surgery is not for the faint of heart and certainly not for someone that is not commited to eating differently for the rest of their life. If you can "stomach" this surgery though, you can have your life back and feel really good about yourself again! More soon...
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Pissed
Here I am - 5 weeks post-op and I still haven't lost anything since August 1st. I am beyond frustrated now, and I am depressed, feeling hopeless and wanting to stop this necessary obsessive behavior to ensure I get enough water and protein every day. It seems I live for counting ounces of water and grams of protein. I can barely function or get out of the house to do anything because I am constantly worried about eating when I think it's time to eat and taking CONSTANT sips of water that don't settle very well in my stomach. :(
I got on the scale yesterday to see a 2 pound weight loss! I was so excited and thought that maybe, just MAYBE this blasted weight loss stall was over. Got on this morning to see 1 pound gained. I am just fit to be tied! I am now able to eat about 500-650 calories per day and I yesterday I drank almost the full 64 oz. required of me daily. How is it possible to eat that little and not lose weight? I don't get it!
I am eating high protein foods with little to no carbs and very, very low fat. WHAT IN THE HELL is wrong with my body? I know that there have been other people who have not lost weight with the VSG, but it's so rare. I can't believe I am going to be another. This is unreal. I am also still retaining water in my feet and ankles. I thought that maybe drinking more water might release that, but it doesn't seem to be making any difference yet.
I finally tried on some of my smaller clothes to try in desperation to find something positive to celebrate here and I have moved from a size 28 to a size 24, but I think that was probably done with the pre-surgery 28 pound weight loss.
I am calling my primary care provider in the morning. This whole situation is crazy and I need some help here - if only for some anti-depressants.
I got on the scale yesterday to see a 2 pound weight loss! I was so excited and thought that maybe, just MAYBE this blasted weight loss stall was over. Got on this morning to see 1 pound gained. I am just fit to be tied! I am now able to eat about 500-650 calories per day and I yesterday I drank almost the full 64 oz. required of me daily. How is it possible to eat that little and not lose weight? I don't get it!
I am eating high protein foods with little to no carbs and very, very low fat. WHAT IN THE HELL is wrong with my body? I know that there have been other people who have not lost weight with the VSG, but it's so rare. I can't believe I am going to be another. This is unreal. I am also still retaining water in my feet and ankles. I thought that maybe drinking more water might release that, but it doesn't seem to be making any difference yet.
I finally tried on some of my smaller clothes to try in desperation to find something positive to celebrate here and I have moved from a size 28 to a size 24, but I think that was probably done with the pre-surgery 28 pound weight loss.
I am calling my primary care provider in the morning. This whole situation is crazy and I need some help here - if only for some anti-depressants.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
The Menu
So what I am eating this fourth week since surgery? Well, at this point I am sticking to pretty light foods and mostly what are called "full liquids".
Full liquids are kind of confusing. Since I don't have a surgeon here in the states and I really don't have the support that is so helpful, I have been relying vastly on the fellow "sleevers" (as we call ourselves) on a Facebook group that I joined. We all either had the surgery in July or are having it this Summer. It's so helpful to have a Nutritionist to see, but of course my crappy insurance policy through Aetna doesn't cover that either. Anyway, but I digress... Full liquids are loosely termed thus as they contain a large group from pudding, jello, soups without vegetables or meat, mashed potatoes, oatmeal, protein shakes, Cream of Wheat, grits, cottage cheese and things all the way up to scrambled eggs. Scambled eggs don't seem very liquid to me, but they are ok. I have eaten things not on this list like cheese, thinly sliced deli meats, and even very tender pieces of beef chewed well. Not much feels good going down right now. I have only had true pain once when I know it was a little bit too much food for my sleeve, but it's more of an uncomfortable indigestion. Whether I eat or drink seems to make little difference. Very rarely do I feel GOOD after eating or drinking something. It's just kind of not very much fun.
I have started tracking my caloric intake as well as my protein intake daily through a free app on my iPhone called MyFitnessPal. It's really great and it shows me how much I am taking in. The gastric sleeve is a great tool, but the real work comes in for me watching that I am getting a minimum of 60 grams of protein a day! I took for granted before my sleeve getting in the proper nutrition. When you eat as much as I ate, you know you are probably getting everything you need. Now, it's very tough to get in 60g of protein in a day. If I eat less than that consistently, I will lose my hair and become ill. This is a serious minimum and I have to work at this every single day.
A protein shake in the morning is good for about 25g of protein. Much more than 25g-27g per meal is not even absorbed by the human body per meal anyway, so that is about right. Sounds like a good and easy way to get some protein, right? Not so much. Protein shakes are not the most delicious things to drink and after many weeks of them I am downright SICK OF THEM. I can't really complain because lots of sleevers are absolutely repulsed by them since surgery. Our tastes change very much after surgery and sometimes things that we liked or could manage to eat are no longer possible. They taste bad and they are gritty, but that is a good start to proper protein intake for the day, so I try to drink one every morning.
Lunch is easier - I can eat part of a 3oz little cup of Chicken of the Sea tuna "to go" and that is good - all protein. Sometimes a little chicken salad made with canned chicken and some fat free mayo is good too, but you will note that neither of these is a "full liquid". I chew very, very well and I try to eat slowly.
Eating slowly. That's a topic all on it's own. I always thought of the people I know and of my family members, I ate pretty reasonably slowly. Wrong. I have to really concentrate and work hard to chew, chew, chew and I am forcing myself to swallow about once every 1-3 minutes. Do you know how hard that really is? My sleeve needs time to allow the food to move/slide down to make room for the next bite. Not waiting between swallows makes for pain and for some people, vomiting. I have been very fortunate with nausea and vomiting. I have had little nausea and no vomiting since Day 3 after surgery (and that was caused by that nasty Barium we had to swallow for the leak test).
I am tired of working so hard to eat already, but to be totally honest, I am not hungry in the slightest and do not miss food. I am forever grateful for this release from what could have been total torture. People that have the lap band or gastric bypass don't get this wonderful benefit. Losing that part of my stomach that makes Ghrelin (which signals hunger to the brain) is the BEST part of this surgery. I know when it's time to put energy into my body, but I really don't crave anything and I am not hungry. Every once in awhile I will think of something that I used to enjoy, but the thought is gone within literally only a few minutes. I just have no interest anymore. Seeing that in print and thinking of it the past few weeks has caused some tears here for me. I am happy and grateful, but I have grown up loving food so much, that it seems almost wrong or twisted in some way. It's such a new me and such a new life! I can't believe this is how I am now!
Snacks are easy for me right now - string cheese sticks, a slice of cheddar or some Greek yogurt (not my favorite) will give me quite a few more grams of protein. I look forward to being able to get just a tiny bit more in me, because at this point for most foods I can eat less than 1/4 cup at a time. The surgeon told me I will get to 1/2 a cup within the year, but I will probably never eat much more than that. Have you really looked at how much food goes into a 1/4 cup?
Right now, many of the other sleevers I talk to are telling me that I am not eating enough and certainly not getting my 64oz of water in everyday that is required and they tell me that this is why I am not losing more weight more quickly. I am going to make a big effort for the rest of the week to get in enough water and more than the 350-500 calories that I eat everyday. They say I should be up around 700 calories! Maybe this will end my "2 week stall" and give me some loss..... We'll see.
Full liquids are kind of confusing. Since I don't have a surgeon here in the states and I really don't have the support that is so helpful, I have been relying vastly on the fellow "sleevers" (as we call ourselves) on a Facebook group that I joined. We all either had the surgery in July or are having it this Summer. It's so helpful to have a Nutritionist to see, but of course my crappy insurance policy through Aetna doesn't cover that either. Anyway, but I digress... Full liquids are loosely termed thus as they contain a large group from pudding, jello, soups without vegetables or meat, mashed potatoes, oatmeal, protein shakes, Cream of Wheat, grits, cottage cheese and things all the way up to scrambled eggs. Scambled eggs don't seem very liquid to me, but they are ok. I have eaten things not on this list like cheese, thinly sliced deli meats, and even very tender pieces of beef chewed well. Not much feels good going down right now. I have only had true pain once when I know it was a little bit too much food for my sleeve, but it's more of an uncomfortable indigestion. Whether I eat or drink seems to make little difference. Very rarely do I feel GOOD after eating or drinking something. It's just kind of not very much fun.
I have started tracking my caloric intake as well as my protein intake daily through a free app on my iPhone called MyFitnessPal. It's really great and it shows me how much I am taking in. The gastric sleeve is a great tool, but the real work comes in for me watching that I am getting a minimum of 60 grams of protein a day! I took for granted before my sleeve getting in the proper nutrition. When you eat as much as I ate, you know you are probably getting everything you need. Now, it's very tough to get in 60g of protein in a day. If I eat less than that consistently, I will lose my hair and become ill. This is a serious minimum and I have to work at this every single day.
A protein shake in the morning is good for about 25g of protein. Much more than 25g-27g per meal is not even absorbed by the human body per meal anyway, so that is about right. Sounds like a good and easy way to get some protein, right? Not so much. Protein shakes are not the most delicious things to drink and after many weeks of them I am downright SICK OF THEM. I can't really complain because lots of sleevers are absolutely repulsed by them since surgery. Our tastes change very much after surgery and sometimes things that we liked or could manage to eat are no longer possible. They taste bad and they are gritty, but that is a good start to proper protein intake for the day, so I try to drink one every morning.
Lunch is easier - I can eat part of a 3oz little cup of Chicken of the Sea tuna "to go" and that is good - all protein. Sometimes a little chicken salad made with canned chicken and some fat free mayo is good too, but you will note that neither of these is a "full liquid". I chew very, very well and I try to eat slowly.
Eating slowly. That's a topic all on it's own. I always thought of the people I know and of my family members, I ate pretty reasonably slowly. Wrong. I have to really concentrate and work hard to chew, chew, chew and I am forcing myself to swallow about once every 1-3 minutes. Do you know how hard that really is? My sleeve needs time to allow the food to move/slide down to make room for the next bite. Not waiting between swallows makes for pain and for some people, vomiting. I have been very fortunate with nausea and vomiting. I have had little nausea and no vomiting since Day 3 after surgery (and that was caused by that nasty Barium we had to swallow for the leak test).
I am tired of working so hard to eat already, but to be totally honest, I am not hungry in the slightest and do not miss food. I am forever grateful for this release from what could have been total torture. People that have the lap band or gastric bypass don't get this wonderful benefit. Losing that part of my stomach that makes Ghrelin (which signals hunger to the brain) is the BEST part of this surgery. I know when it's time to put energy into my body, but I really don't crave anything and I am not hungry. Every once in awhile I will think of something that I used to enjoy, but the thought is gone within literally only a few minutes. I just have no interest anymore. Seeing that in print and thinking of it the past few weeks has caused some tears here for me. I am happy and grateful, but I have grown up loving food so much, that it seems almost wrong or twisted in some way. It's such a new me and such a new life! I can't believe this is how I am now!
Snacks are easy for me right now - string cheese sticks, a slice of cheddar or some Greek yogurt (not my favorite) will give me quite a few more grams of protein. I look forward to being able to get just a tiny bit more in me, because at this point for most foods I can eat less than 1/4 cup at a time. The surgeon told me I will get to 1/2 a cup within the year, but I will probably never eat much more than that. Have you really looked at how much food goes into a 1/4 cup?
Right now, many of the other sleevers I talk to are telling me that I am not eating enough and certainly not getting my 64oz of water in everyday that is required and they tell me that this is why I am not losing more weight more quickly. I am going to make a big effort for the rest of the week to get in enough water and more than the 350-500 calories that I eat everyday. They say I should be up around 700 calories! Maybe this will end my "2 week stall" and give me some loss..... We'll see.
Hard Times
The last couple of weeks have been hard. There's no sugar coating this. I am very depressed and struggling.
My last big weight loss success was when I had the doctor here take out of my sutures. I have since been in a struggle with water retention and a stubborn body that seemingly doesn't want to be smaller.
There IS such a thing as the "2 week stall". Almost all patients experience the 2 week stall after having a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. Some people say it's because our bodies have depleted the glycogen stores that are kept to prevent us from burning muscle in these intense weight loss situations. Glycogen is stored for immediate energy use. I would hypothesize that this glycogen would be used for emergencies in cave man times when the food supply has been low for a long time and the body is way undernourished and then out of the bushes comes a saber-toothed tiger or something. The body then has this immediate energy to draw upon to run and escape. Anyway - with the glycogen stores depleted, the body needs to hold on to water and some calories to store more away. Other people say that the 2 week stall is merely the body's way of healing from the tremendous shock of the surgery and protecting itself during recovery.
Either way - the 2 week stall SUCKS. I have been sitting here at the same weight since August 1st. The 2 week stall lasts sometimes for a week or so, but in others it hangs on for 2 or even 3 weeks. Well, I am into the 3rd week.
The first week of the stall I noticed I was retaining quite a bit of water - mostly in my ankles and feet. The weather was hot, so I wasn't sure if it was the weather or what it was. When I first came home from Mexico, I had the smallest ankles I have had in YEARS, so putting the water back on them was disappointing. It just sat there and even if I kept my feet up as much as possible, it didn't seem to budge. By the end of the first week, I was also noting a really bad emotional state. I was very irritable, cranky and sad. Very sad.
The second week of the stall brought only more of the same, but also my menstrual cycle which really seemed to aggravate things. I gained 6 pounds (obviously only water) and I was deeply depressed. I had little to no interest in daily life and just getting showered daily was a major accomplishment. I cried many times a day and I napped or laid in my bed for a couple of hours a day. I was really struggling with my emotions and felt like everything in my life was a mess. My poor husband could do little but duck and try to be understanding. Of course, there was no weight loss.
At the end of the second week, I lost the water weight and was back down to the 293 I was at the doctor's office for suture removal. Sad, but at least no gain.
The third week has been much of the same. I am fighting for normality. I am trying my absolute hardest to be happy and grateful for all that I have and I am trying very hard to fight the urge to obsess over the numbers on my scale. I weighed myself yesterday to find I have lost 2 pounds! I was so elated and felt like maybe, just maybe the 2 week stall was over... This morning, I weighed 293 again. No loss. I am dealing with it ok but I am starting to wonder if it's possible that the VSG doesn't work for everyone. I have a VERY low metabolism and I know this. Is it possible that I won't lose weight with this surgery? I have been tracking my calories and I am eating between 350 and 500 calories a day. How can I not be losing weight?????
Gratefully, I have discovered the issues with my mood. As fat is burned, the estrogen that is stored in our fat cells is released. Overweight women are basically estrogen warehouses!! I have to be burning fat, because the estrogen overload is out of control! I am just trying to be patient with myself as well as others while I am suffering through this stage. I have explained to my sweet husband that I am working hard to be normal and I am trying very hard not to nit pick him or be impatient with him, but I am sure I will still have my moments. I will be really happy when I am out of this stage in the weight loss. The hopelessness I feel is devastating and I am struggling to just be out of bed - even as I type this.
My last big weight loss success was when I had the doctor here take out of my sutures. I have since been in a struggle with water retention and a stubborn body that seemingly doesn't want to be smaller.
There IS such a thing as the "2 week stall". Almost all patients experience the 2 week stall after having a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. Some people say it's because our bodies have depleted the glycogen stores that are kept to prevent us from burning muscle in these intense weight loss situations. Glycogen is stored for immediate energy use. I would hypothesize that this glycogen would be used for emergencies in cave man times when the food supply has been low for a long time and the body is way undernourished and then out of the bushes comes a saber-toothed tiger or something. The body then has this immediate energy to draw upon to run and escape. Anyway - with the glycogen stores depleted, the body needs to hold on to water and some calories to store more away. Other people say that the 2 week stall is merely the body's way of healing from the tremendous shock of the surgery and protecting itself during recovery.
Either way - the 2 week stall SUCKS. I have been sitting here at the same weight since August 1st. The 2 week stall lasts sometimes for a week or so, but in others it hangs on for 2 or even 3 weeks. Well, I am into the 3rd week.
The first week of the stall I noticed I was retaining quite a bit of water - mostly in my ankles and feet. The weather was hot, so I wasn't sure if it was the weather or what it was. When I first came home from Mexico, I had the smallest ankles I have had in YEARS, so putting the water back on them was disappointing. It just sat there and even if I kept my feet up as much as possible, it didn't seem to budge. By the end of the first week, I was also noting a really bad emotional state. I was very irritable, cranky and sad. Very sad.
The second week of the stall brought only more of the same, but also my menstrual cycle which really seemed to aggravate things. I gained 6 pounds (obviously only water) and I was deeply depressed. I had little to no interest in daily life and just getting showered daily was a major accomplishment. I cried many times a day and I napped or laid in my bed for a couple of hours a day. I was really struggling with my emotions and felt like everything in my life was a mess. My poor husband could do little but duck and try to be understanding. Of course, there was no weight loss.
At the end of the second week, I lost the water weight and was back down to the 293 I was at the doctor's office for suture removal. Sad, but at least no gain.
The third week has been much of the same. I am fighting for normality. I am trying my absolute hardest to be happy and grateful for all that I have and I am trying very hard to fight the urge to obsess over the numbers on my scale. I weighed myself yesterday to find I have lost 2 pounds! I was so elated and felt like maybe, just maybe the 2 week stall was over... This morning, I weighed 293 again. No loss. I am dealing with it ok but I am starting to wonder if it's possible that the VSG doesn't work for everyone. I have a VERY low metabolism and I know this. Is it possible that I won't lose weight with this surgery? I have been tracking my calories and I am eating between 350 and 500 calories a day. How can I not be losing weight?????
Gratefully, I have discovered the issues with my mood. As fat is burned, the estrogen that is stored in our fat cells is released. Overweight women are basically estrogen warehouses!! I have to be burning fat, because the estrogen overload is out of control! I am just trying to be patient with myself as well as others while I am suffering through this stage. I have explained to my sweet husband that I am working hard to be normal and I am trying very hard not to nit pick him or be impatient with him, but I am sure I will still have my moments. I will be really happy when I am out of this stage in the weight loss. The hopelessness I feel is devastating and I am struggling to just be out of bed - even as I type this.
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Sutures Out
I had talked to my Family Doctor before traveling to Mexico about the surgery and that I would need him to remove the sutures from my belly when I got home. I made the appointment for 10 days post-op as I had been told to in Mexico. The doctor was excited to see that I had now lost 40 pounds and was down to 293!
He said my incisions looked good and took out the sutures with little difficulty. Only two of the many he took out were a little deep and smarted just a little as he removed them. The wound that had originally had the drain hanging out of it began to weep a little bit after he took the stitches out. He said it was just "serum" and totally normal. There was a small collection of fluid in my belly behind that incision and it was going to weep out. He dressed that one and made sure it wouldn't soak through my clothes on the way home. Other than that, everything looked great!
I also made sure to have him note in my chart that I could no longer have Penicillin and never again could I take Ibuprofen or NSAIDs. He seemed a little startled by that since I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, but he knew that I had researched this surgery from top to bottom and he seemed to trust that I knew what I was getting into. He kindly wrote me a prescription for liquid Tylenol with Codeine to help me sleep and sent me on my way - healing well and with a big smile on my face from the weigh in. :)
It felt really good to get those sutures out and I have not had any issues with my wounds or healing at all.
He said my incisions looked good and took out the sutures with little difficulty. Only two of the many he took out were a little deep and smarted just a little as he removed them. The wound that had originally had the drain hanging out of it began to weep a little bit after he took the stitches out. He said it was just "serum" and totally normal. There was a small collection of fluid in my belly behind that incision and it was going to weep out. He dressed that one and made sure it wouldn't soak through my clothes on the way home. Other than that, everything looked great!
I also made sure to have him note in my chart that I could no longer have Penicillin and never again could I take Ibuprofen or NSAIDs. He seemed a little startled by that since I have Rheumatoid Arthritis, but he knew that I had researched this surgery from top to bottom and he seemed to trust that I knew what I was getting into. He kindly wrote me a prescription for liquid Tylenol with Codeine to help me sleep and sent me on my way - healing well and with a big smile on my face from the weigh in. :)
It felt really good to get those sutures out and I have not had any issues with my wounds or healing at all.
Learning to sip
The next few days were much the same as the previous days but each one had less pain. I felt a little bit stronger each day and after about 2 nights home, I slept about 6 hours without waking up!
Sipping my broth or water was a little challenging at times. I had to take such small sips and still my stomach would cramp painfully as I started sipping. After about 3 swallows it would ease up, but those first few sips were pretty hard. I was doing really well - no vomiting, mild nausea and no hunger. I was getting so little in me that it seemed crazy, but I was ok and although I was a little weak, I was ok!
After 3 days at home, I talked my husband into taking me on a short shopping excursion for clothes. A local Avenue store is closing and I wanted to take advantage of the deals. I got very tired pretty quickly, but I did get some great bargains and some cute clothes for the next few sizes down. My son continued to come by (a long trip from his house!) everyday for the first 4 days. He ran to the store, made dinner for the family and my husband and helped to keep things running. I am so appreciative for all he has done. He was a wonderful support to me and I am forever grateful. :)
In the mornings I would wake up thirsty and hurting but once I started sipping on something I would feel the pain ease and I felt better and better. I was thinking that it was about time to step on the scale, but I had heard so much about the post-op weight gain (from fluid retention) that I was afraid. Finally I weighed myself about 4 days after getting home (8 days post-op) and I was THRILLED to find that I had lost 37 pounds! I lost 28 with the pre-op diet and 9 more since surgery!
The weight was coming off and I was now below the ugly 300 pound mark to 296!!!!!!
I can't tell you how good it felt to see that I am now under 300 pounds. How I hated that number!
Sipping my broth or water was a little challenging at times. I had to take such small sips and still my stomach would cramp painfully as I started sipping. After about 3 swallows it would ease up, but those first few sips were pretty hard. I was doing really well - no vomiting, mild nausea and no hunger. I was getting so little in me that it seemed crazy, but I was ok and although I was a little weak, I was ok!
After 3 days at home, I talked my husband into taking me on a short shopping excursion for clothes. A local Avenue store is closing and I wanted to take advantage of the deals. I got very tired pretty quickly, but I did get some great bargains and some cute clothes for the next few sizes down. My son continued to come by (a long trip from his house!) everyday for the first 4 days. He ran to the store, made dinner for the family and my husband and helped to keep things running. I am so appreciative for all he has done. He was a wonderful support to me and I am forever grateful. :)
In the mornings I would wake up thirsty and hurting but once I started sipping on something I would feel the pain ease and I felt better and better. I was thinking that it was about time to step on the scale, but I had heard so much about the post-op weight gain (from fluid retention) that I was afraid. Finally I weighed myself about 4 days after getting home (8 days post-op) and I was THRILLED to find that I had lost 37 pounds! I lost 28 with the pre-op diet and 9 more since surgery!
The weight was coming off and I was now below the ugly 300 pound mark to 296!!!!!!
I can't tell you how good it felt to see that I am now under 300 pounds. How I hated that number!
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Going home...at least some of us....
Joshua and I were up at 5am. I showered and then woke him gently asking him for some help to re-dress the wounds. What a way to wake up for a 25 year old young man! He rolled over, looked at my ugly wounds and the rest of me draped in towels for privacy and he just sort of moaned... LOL He was pretty squeamish about the wounds and it was NOT pleasant to see them that early in the morning. "Ohhhh gawd, noooooo" he said as got out of bed. LOL
We got them all covered in the gauze and tape that he had walked all over town looking for the night before. The hospital had not even given us gauze and tape to change our dressings before our flights home, so my son and another guest of a patient (Jeff) went out on a trek to find the necessary things at the local "farmacia". Joshua had tried to find some kind of antiseptic spray (as the hospital had been using and that was supposed to be supplied to us, but wasn't) and had a heck of a hard time trying to speak to the store clerks that spoke only Spanish. He did in time find out that down in Mexico in 2012, you can't even so much as purchase an antibiotic salve like "Neosporin" over the counter!! Everything now requires a prescription! I'm not sure if it's the drug cartels or what, but it's a pain in the behind not to be able to get very commonplace items.
I was in a lot of pain still, but stronger that Thursday morning, and I put on a little bit of makeup for the trip home, which did me no good - I was still SO pale. I started working on some chicken broth from the hotel's restaurant (they had amazing food according to Joshua and their chicken broth was fabulous too - way more flavorable than the canned crap we have in the states). I knew that I needed to have some fluids on board for the trip home and I knew that it was going to be hit or miss once we got to the airport. One of the other patients, Andrea, kindly gave me one of her small bottles of Isopure protein water which I thought tasted pretty good and I started working on that too. I finished about half of my broth before the driver finally showed up an hour late at about 8:30am.
I ditched the broth and took the bottle of Isopure, and we loaded into the van. There were 4 patients and their guests/family members. The drive back over the border to the San Diego Airport seemed like it was going to be pretty simple until we got right to the border guards. They took all of our passports and told the driver to pull forward to a stall for further questioning. The guard told the driver, "Do not drive faster than I am walking" and he walked right next to the vehicle, escorting us. It was kind of a creepy feeling, but the driver didn't seem particularly alarmed. Once they pulled us into a stall, a few more border guards arrived at the van. One in particular took control of the passports and Enhanced Driver's Licenses and asked husband of one patient, "Are you Jeffery _____________?" The man replied, "yes" and they asked him to step out of the vehicle. They asked if he had weapons on him and began patting him down. I think all of us were in shock at that moment. We didn't know if this was something fairly routine, or what was going on! The driver started to look nervous and a little concerned. When they slapped the handcuffs on Jeff and started leading him away, his wife said, "I am his wife! What is going on?" The three border guards that were escorting him looked uninterested in answering her question, and one as he was closing the side door of the van to keep her from coming after them answered only, "It would be against the law for me to tell you what is going on right now."
The wife was obviously very upset and we were all trying to calm her down. That kind of stress right after surgery can be very serious. She just kept saying, "We just got our passports. There wasn't any problem. He hasn't done anything. This must be a terrible mistake!" She kept trying to think of what could be wrong, and could only come up with a warrant their son had in the state of Florida for a fishing violation. He was a junior, so she was thinking that maybe they were mixing her husband up with her son and that this was going to be an easy fix. We sat there in that hot van, crowded and unable to get out. The border guards were clear that we were not to leave the vehicle.
Almost an hour passed. The driver was in communication with the hospital, letting them know what was going on and some of the other patients were starting to become concerned about catching their flights. Joshua and I knew we were fine because our flight out of San Diego wasn't until 2:55pm! Finally Jeff was escorted back to the vehicle and he got in without saying a word. The border guard compared all of our passports/Enhanced driver's licenses with our faces to make sure it was really us, and then announced that he would have to search one random suitcase. He asked if any of us had any liquor, cigars, plants, seeds or food. Everyone said no and when he picked the random bag, he asked again, saying, "This is your last chance. Do you have anything to declare?" The bozo woman that owned the suitcase then admitted that she had a bottle of alcohol in the suitcase, but he was not concerned. He made a mess of her things, and left the bag open, but didn't have any issue with it's contents so were cleared to leave the country and enter the USA. Phew! That was scary!
For the duration of the drive to San Diego Airport, Jeff said nothing and was almost motionless. He seemed very upset. As the driver dropped us off at our airline check in spots, we all said goodbye and wished each other luck. Joshua and I got out second to last with Jeff and his wife only left in the van, and Josh patted Jeff on the back and said something like, "I hope everything is ok." Jeff responded only with, "well at least you guys will get home." Yikes! Joshua and I both were left with the impression that Jeff was going to be met at home with the police and maybe he was going to jail. It was a sad thing and we parted not knowing the details or whether or not they made it home safely, which was not a comforting feeling.
Once at the Alaska Airlines terminal, we had fantastic service. We told them that I had just had surgery and they were so kind and accomodating. They got me a wheelchair and helped us check in. They then wheeled me all the way through security and to our gate. I did have to get up and stand in the x-ray machine (I hate those things - what an infringement of my privacy!) but I was wheeled the rest of the way. We got to our gate as they were boarding a flight home to Seattle 2 hours ahead of ours. We both sure wished we could get on that one!! We watched another flight board and depart for Seattle and then we knew that our plane was next. Right about that time, we were told it was running late... Good grief! I had been sitting in that wheelchair for like 5 hours by then and I was tired, in pain and ready to get home. Luckily our plane was only a few minutes late and were boarding soon thereafter. They again wheeled me all the way to the airplane's door. We were in First Class (Row 2) so it wasn't a long walk. The flight attendant took one look at me and said, "You are very pale - did you just have surgery?" I told her I had and that I was ok - just tired and in pain. She was very good to me the whole flight, checking on me and making sure I was comfortable. The 2.5 hours back to Seattle went much faster than I had thought it would and I was almost giddy when I looked out the window to see Mt. Rainier. Our landing was great and we taxied in to the gate smoothly.
Waiting for me right outside the plane was another wheelchair, which took us all the way to the baggage claim area. Our luggage was available within about 15 minutes and we immediately saw our driver waiting to drive us home. It was all just so smooth! We loaded into the Lincoln Towncar (I chose it for it's smooth ride on the way home) and the driver expertly avoided much of the rush hour (5:30pm) traffic and got us home in about 30 minutes!
I was so happy to see my street and my house!! There was a short time that first night of the surgery when I wondered truly if I would ever see my home and family again. I felt a little bit traumatized from the whole experience, but seeing my husband's smile made it all ok. I was just SO glad to be home. Joshua and my husband helped me into the house and got me in my jammies and into bed. Boy, did that bed feel good! My poor husband had to go work for me as a karaoke host that night and so he had to leave shortly after I got home, but Joshua stayed and made sure I had broth, water and pills in me. My mom came too after a bit and stayed with me for most of the evening so I wouldn't be alone. Joshua drove all over looking for supplies that I would need and sweetly almost seemed reluctant to turn over the reigns to a new "team of caregivers". I know he was exhausted but he stayed for a long time making sure I was ok. It was very sweet and I really appreciated it. Before he left, he made sure that my mom was up to speed on my meds and when I needed them all again. I had a hard time getting comfortable, but I did fine and as soon as my husband got home, I sacked out for about 4 uninterrupted hours of rest. It felt great!
We got them all covered in the gauze and tape that he had walked all over town looking for the night before. The hospital had not even given us gauze and tape to change our dressings before our flights home, so my son and another guest of a patient (Jeff) went out on a trek to find the necessary things at the local "farmacia". Joshua had tried to find some kind of antiseptic spray (as the hospital had been using and that was supposed to be supplied to us, but wasn't) and had a heck of a hard time trying to speak to the store clerks that spoke only Spanish. He did in time find out that down in Mexico in 2012, you can't even so much as purchase an antibiotic salve like "Neosporin" over the counter!! Everything now requires a prescription! I'm not sure if it's the drug cartels or what, but it's a pain in the behind not to be able to get very commonplace items.
I was in a lot of pain still, but stronger that Thursday morning, and I put on a little bit of makeup for the trip home, which did me no good - I was still SO pale. I started working on some chicken broth from the hotel's restaurant (they had amazing food according to Joshua and their chicken broth was fabulous too - way more flavorable than the canned crap we have in the states). I knew that I needed to have some fluids on board for the trip home and I knew that it was going to be hit or miss once we got to the airport. One of the other patients, Andrea, kindly gave me one of her small bottles of Isopure protein water which I thought tasted pretty good and I started working on that too. I finished about half of my broth before the driver finally showed up an hour late at about 8:30am.
I ditched the broth and took the bottle of Isopure, and we loaded into the van. There were 4 patients and their guests/family members. The drive back over the border to the San Diego Airport seemed like it was going to be pretty simple until we got right to the border guards. They took all of our passports and told the driver to pull forward to a stall for further questioning. The guard told the driver, "Do not drive faster than I am walking" and he walked right next to the vehicle, escorting us. It was kind of a creepy feeling, but the driver didn't seem particularly alarmed. Once they pulled us into a stall, a few more border guards arrived at the van. One in particular took control of the passports and Enhanced Driver's Licenses and asked husband of one patient, "Are you Jeffery _____________?" The man replied, "yes" and they asked him to step out of the vehicle. They asked if he had weapons on him and began patting him down. I think all of us were in shock at that moment. We didn't know if this was something fairly routine, or what was going on! The driver started to look nervous and a little concerned. When they slapped the handcuffs on Jeff and started leading him away, his wife said, "I am his wife! What is going on?" The three border guards that were escorting him looked uninterested in answering her question, and one as he was closing the side door of the van to keep her from coming after them answered only, "It would be against the law for me to tell you what is going on right now."
The wife was obviously very upset and we were all trying to calm her down. That kind of stress right after surgery can be very serious. She just kept saying, "We just got our passports. There wasn't any problem. He hasn't done anything. This must be a terrible mistake!" She kept trying to think of what could be wrong, and could only come up with a warrant their son had in the state of Florida for a fishing violation. He was a junior, so she was thinking that maybe they were mixing her husband up with her son and that this was going to be an easy fix. We sat there in that hot van, crowded and unable to get out. The border guards were clear that we were not to leave the vehicle.
Almost an hour passed. The driver was in communication with the hospital, letting them know what was going on and some of the other patients were starting to become concerned about catching their flights. Joshua and I knew we were fine because our flight out of San Diego wasn't until 2:55pm! Finally Jeff was escorted back to the vehicle and he got in without saying a word. The border guard compared all of our passports/Enhanced driver's licenses with our faces to make sure it was really us, and then announced that he would have to search one random suitcase. He asked if any of us had any liquor, cigars, plants, seeds or food. Everyone said no and when he picked the random bag, he asked again, saying, "This is your last chance. Do you have anything to declare?" The bozo woman that owned the suitcase then admitted that she had a bottle of alcohol in the suitcase, but he was not concerned. He made a mess of her things, and left the bag open, but didn't have any issue with it's contents so were cleared to leave the country and enter the USA. Phew! That was scary!
For the duration of the drive to San Diego Airport, Jeff said nothing and was almost motionless. He seemed very upset. As the driver dropped us off at our airline check in spots, we all said goodbye and wished each other luck. Joshua and I got out second to last with Jeff and his wife only left in the van, and Josh patted Jeff on the back and said something like, "I hope everything is ok." Jeff responded only with, "well at least you guys will get home." Yikes! Joshua and I both were left with the impression that Jeff was going to be met at home with the police and maybe he was going to jail. It was a sad thing and we parted not knowing the details or whether or not they made it home safely, which was not a comforting feeling.
Once at the Alaska Airlines terminal, we had fantastic service. We told them that I had just had surgery and they were so kind and accomodating. They got me a wheelchair and helped us check in. They then wheeled me all the way through security and to our gate. I did have to get up and stand in the x-ray machine (I hate those things - what an infringement of my privacy!) but I was wheeled the rest of the way. We got to our gate as they were boarding a flight home to Seattle 2 hours ahead of ours. We both sure wished we could get on that one!! We watched another flight board and depart for Seattle and then we knew that our plane was next. Right about that time, we were told it was running late... Good grief! I had been sitting in that wheelchair for like 5 hours by then and I was tired, in pain and ready to get home. Luckily our plane was only a few minutes late and were boarding soon thereafter. They again wheeled me all the way to the airplane's door. We were in First Class (Row 2) so it wasn't a long walk. The flight attendant took one look at me and said, "You are very pale - did you just have surgery?" I told her I had and that I was ok - just tired and in pain. She was very good to me the whole flight, checking on me and making sure I was comfortable. The 2.5 hours back to Seattle went much faster than I had thought it would and I was almost giddy when I looked out the window to see Mt. Rainier. Our landing was great and we taxied in to the gate smoothly.
Waiting for me right outside the plane was another wheelchair, which took us all the way to the baggage claim area. Our luggage was available within about 15 minutes and we immediately saw our driver waiting to drive us home. It was all just so smooth! We loaded into the Lincoln Towncar (I chose it for it's smooth ride on the way home) and the driver expertly avoided much of the rush hour (5:30pm) traffic and got us home in about 30 minutes!
I was so happy to see my street and my house!! There was a short time that first night of the surgery when I wondered truly if I would ever see my home and family again. I felt a little bit traumatized from the whole experience, but seeing my husband's smile made it all ok. I was just SO glad to be home. Joshua and my husband helped me into the house and got me in my jammies and into bed. Boy, did that bed feel good! My poor husband had to go work for me as a karaoke host that night and so he had to leave shortly after I got home, but Joshua stayed and made sure I had broth, water and pills in me. My mom came too after a bit and stayed with me for most of the evening so I wouldn't be alone. Joshua drove all over looking for supplies that I would need and sweetly almost seemed reluctant to turn over the reigns to a new "team of caregivers". I know he was exhausted but he stayed for a long time making sure I was ok. It was very sweet and I really appreciated it. Before he left, he made sure that my mom was up to speed on my meds and when I needed them all again. I had a hard time getting comfortable, but I did fine and as soon as my husband got home, I sacked out for about 4 uninterrupted hours of rest. It felt great!
Barium was NOT my friend
At 7am the next morning (Day 3 after surgery) I was up and trying my best to swallow the barium. It was SO awful! Joshua came up with the brilliant idea of adding a drop of my Mio water flavoring to it and that helped some, but still every single little sip resulted in dry heaves and nearly losing what I had gotten in. We called the other patients in the hotel and they were also having a very hard time getting and keeping it down, so we gave them all a drop in their barium too. It was probably about 2oz total, but it might as well have been 20. I just couldn't get it down and then it started to hurt my tiny stomach as though it was being stretched and that wasn't good either.
At 8:30 (EARLY for once!!) the driver showed up and we all staggered down to the lobby for our ride to the Radiology Clinic to x-ray our stomachs and check for leaks. All but one of us got into the van and we all started crying. We were tired, in pain, miserable trying to drink that crap and I think we had just all had enough. We sobbed awhile waiting for the last patient (and his wife) and then they closed us in and we drove the very few blocks to the Radiology place.
As we walked in, we looked like quite the miserable bunch. Some were crying, some were vomiting and some were just hunched over in pain and miserable. I was the latter. I just felt miserable. I still hadn't gotten more than about half of my barium down and I was still trying to get it down, but I really didn't want to throw up in this public place either. I had my emesis basin with me, just in case. There were Mexican citizens there, waiting for x-rays or ultrasounds, etc. They were all looking at us like were crazy. Some were dressed, partially, some were in pjs. We also got reunited with the other patients that had been sleeved the same day but had been sent to the recovery house. My roommate from the first night was there, with her drain tube hanging out of her pants and her "blood grenade" as Joshua called it hanging out for all to see. There were lots of odd looks. I imagine the Mexican citizens wondered what in the world was going on! There was a lot of whispering for sure. Here is a picture of my drain tube and "blood grenade" from that day --
Sorry, I know it's pretty graphic but if you are contemplating having this surgery, you might as well know the truth.
It took them about 15 minutes of waiting there in discomfort before they finally started calling our names and taking us back for the one x-ray. We had to swallow about an ounce of contrast all in one swallow which was super tough as well and then they would snap the x-ray. Within moments we were told that we were leak free and sent back out to the waiting room. I opted to purchase my x-ray for $20 (talk about a racket - we had already paid for the x-ray in the surgery fee as far as I was concerned) and brought it home for my doctor.
It was very relieving to know that I didn't have any leaks and that I was cleared for sipping on broth, but it took most of that day to recover from the test. I was very sore and began having diarrhea that was like very heavy liquid. I'm sure that was the barium barreling it's way out. I was happy to get it out.
We were told that they would again return for us at 2pm for meds and an IV, but all of us opted to just stay at the hotel. None of us wanted to travel those bumpy roads for a weak solution of a pain med that really didn't help. It just wasn't worth it. We opted to be picked up at 7pm for a trip to the hospital for removal of our IV, meds, dressing changes and removal of the drain.
They told us they would be coming at 2pm anyway for any of us (or our guests) that wanted to go on a short shopping trip that afternoon. None of us were up to going, but my son and one of the patients' mothers wanted to go. We got a call in our room about 1:30 saying that the driver would arrive in 20 minutes. I turned off the tv and tried to nap. After 2.5 hours, my son came back to the room, irritated that they had never shown up! He called the hospital and was told that there had been a misunderstanding and a driver would be there shortly. 40 minutes later they showed up and took them shopping. Horrible communication and no real sense of responsibility to the patients or their guests. :(
The driver was of course late again and it was almost 8 by the time we arrived at the hospital. I told the nurse that I wasn't able to have Penicillin again, and he informed us all that he wasn't giving any anyway and that we should start taking the pills given to us the first morning after surgery. He was totally unconcerned with my welts or allergic reaction. He then attempted to give us a bag of IV fluids but all of our IV lines were collapsed and we were unable to get anything into our veins. He pushed the fluid through the tubing, trying to get my vein to accept it, but it just burned and hurt and leaked under my skin and outside of it too. He offered to give us a pain shot in the muscle in our butts instead, or to give us a new IV for that purpose. I refused both as I was in enough pain and I just couldn't really take the thought of more pain for a ridiculous dose of something that wouldn't help anyway.
He removed our IVs from our hands and that was nice. It was sore by this point and a pleasure to get it out. Two weeks later, I still have a scab on that site, so the IV was obviously large, but it just didn't last.
Next came the drain removals. I was last which wasn't the best, as I got to listen to the others in the room before me. Most made at least some noise and one lady came out crying from it. I asked the nurse how long the tube was and he showed me about 10 inches with his hand. No big deal! I got this! He had me breathe deeply in and then out slowly as he pulled the damn thing out. It was WAY longer than 10" and I ran out of air on the exhale as he finished, but it was out! I couldn't believe how much better I felt having that thing out. It was almost immediate! All of us were very wiped out. It had been a very emotional and painful 3 days and I think all of us were anxious to get on our flights home the next day.
We went back to the hotel and relaxed. Out driver was to pick us up at 7am for the airport, so I tried to get some sleep. Finally we were going home!!!
At 8:30 (EARLY for once!!) the driver showed up and we all staggered down to the lobby for our ride to the Radiology Clinic to x-ray our stomachs and check for leaks. All but one of us got into the van and we all started crying. We were tired, in pain, miserable trying to drink that crap and I think we had just all had enough. We sobbed awhile waiting for the last patient (and his wife) and then they closed us in and we drove the very few blocks to the Radiology place.
As we walked in, we looked like quite the miserable bunch. Some were crying, some were vomiting and some were just hunched over in pain and miserable. I was the latter. I just felt miserable. I still hadn't gotten more than about half of my barium down and I was still trying to get it down, but I really didn't want to throw up in this public place either. I had my emesis basin with me, just in case. There were Mexican citizens there, waiting for x-rays or ultrasounds, etc. They were all looking at us like were crazy. Some were dressed, partially, some were in pjs. We also got reunited with the other patients that had been sleeved the same day but had been sent to the recovery house. My roommate from the first night was there, with her drain tube hanging out of her pants and her "blood grenade" as Joshua called it hanging out for all to see. There were lots of odd looks. I imagine the Mexican citizens wondered what in the world was going on! There was a lot of whispering for sure. Here is a picture of my drain tube and "blood grenade" from that day --
It took them about 15 minutes of waiting there in discomfort before they finally started calling our names and taking us back for the one x-ray. We had to swallow about an ounce of contrast all in one swallow which was super tough as well and then they would snap the x-ray. Within moments we were told that we were leak free and sent back out to the waiting room. I opted to purchase my x-ray for $20 (talk about a racket - we had already paid for the x-ray in the surgery fee as far as I was concerned) and brought it home for my doctor.
It was very relieving to know that I didn't have any leaks and that I was cleared for sipping on broth, but it took most of that day to recover from the test. I was very sore and began having diarrhea that was like very heavy liquid. I'm sure that was the barium barreling it's way out. I was happy to get it out.
We were told that they would again return for us at 2pm for meds and an IV, but all of us opted to just stay at the hotel. None of us wanted to travel those bumpy roads for a weak solution of a pain med that really didn't help. It just wasn't worth it. We opted to be picked up at 7pm for a trip to the hospital for removal of our IV, meds, dressing changes and removal of the drain.
They told us they would be coming at 2pm anyway for any of us (or our guests) that wanted to go on a short shopping trip that afternoon. None of us were up to going, but my son and one of the patients' mothers wanted to go. We got a call in our room about 1:30 saying that the driver would arrive in 20 minutes. I turned off the tv and tried to nap. After 2.5 hours, my son came back to the room, irritated that they had never shown up! He called the hospital and was told that there had been a misunderstanding and a driver would be there shortly. 40 minutes later they showed up and took them shopping. Horrible communication and no real sense of responsibility to the patients or their guests. :(
The driver was of course late again and it was almost 8 by the time we arrived at the hospital. I told the nurse that I wasn't able to have Penicillin again, and he informed us all that he wasn't giving any anyway and that we should start taking the pills given to us the first morning after surgery. He was totally unconcerned with my welts or allergic reaction. He then attempted to give us a bag of IV fluids but all of our IV lines were collapsed and we were unable to get anything into our veins. He pushed the fluid through the tubing, trying to get my vein to accept it, but it just burned and hurt and leaked under my skin and outside of it too. He offered to give us a pain shot in the muscle in our butts instead, or to give us a new IV for that purpose. I refused both as I was in enough pain and I just couldn't really take the thought of more pain for a ridiculous dose of something that wouldn't help anyway.
He removed our IVs from our hands and that was nice. It was sore by this point and a pleasure to get it out. Two weeks later, I still have a scab on that site, so the IV was obviously large, but it just didn't last.
Next came the drain removals. I was last which wasn't the best, as I got to listen to the others in the room before me. Most made at least some noise and one lady came out crying from it. I asked the nurse how long the tube was and he showed me about 10 inches with his hand. No big deal! I got this! He had me breathe deeply in and then out slowly as he pulled the damn thing out. It was WAY longer than 10" and I ran out of air on the exhale as he finished, but it was out! I couldn't believe how much better I felt having that thing out. It was almost immediate! All of us were very wiped out. It had been a very emotional and painful 3 days and I think all of us were anxious to get on our flights home the next day.
We went back to the hotel and relaxed. Out driver was to pick us up at 7am for the airport, so I tried to get some sleep. Finally we were going home!!!
Day 2 After Surgery
I'll tell you what - 5pm couldn't get there soon enough that first day after surgery. The driver had told us to be in the hotel lobby at 5pm for our ride back to the "hospital" for pain meds and IV fluids. Little by little I got to meet and talk to the other people that had been operated on the same day as me. We were from all over the country, from Miami to Syracuse, NY and all points in between. Most of the patients looked to be far worse off than me, vomiting very frequently and looking even more miserable than I felt.
When 5pm came and went, we were all feeling irritated. We had gone all day long without any meds or nursing care and I think all of us were ready for some relief. A little after 5:30 the driver showed up. Unfortunately, we were told that our loved ones could not go with us. It was upsetting to many, especially the wife (I will call her Maria) who demanded to come with her husband for any treatments he would get. The driver was angry and they went back and forth arguing while the rest of us sat in the van waiting to just leave and get our meds. Finally the driver agreed to let the wife come with us. Maria became our advocate. She asked many questions and got better care for many of us than we might have gotten without her. I thanked her many times for persevering and trying so hard to help us all. I think she sensed how horrible the nursing situation was for all of us and she had compassion that the nursing staff so dearly lacked.
The roads to and from the hospital were deplorable. I understand that the finances of Mexico are very different from the USA, but oh my gosh! The van was bouncing around like crazy for the 15 minutes it took to get to the hospital and the 30+ minutes it took to get back to the hotel (because of the street system). Everyone took turns moaning and making quiet crying out noises as we bounced all over that van to finally get to the hospital. The driver took us to the hospital/clinic a few doors down from where we had surgery that is used primarily for the plastic surgery. We were lead up a narrow flight of stairs (just what a patient that just had abdominal surgery wants to do...NOT) to a cramped room where we were given recliners that couldn't even open fully because there was not enough room. They hooked a bag of saline solution to our IVs in our hands and proceeded to redress our wounds, empty our drains and administer the 1cc of Morphine. My incisions had been covered with adhesive tape without any gauze or anything between the tape and my wounds, so when the nurse yanked the tape, it hurt pretty bad. I asked for him to put gauze on and he agreed, thankfully. We were told that we would not be getting morphine, but some other pain medication, which frankly did nothing for any of us. I was glad to get the IV fluids since I was unable to swallow much, but that and the wound dressing was about all we got out of that. The nurse then told us he would be injecting antibiotics. He asked if any of us were allergic to Penicillin and then injected. As he gave me my dose, I remembered my Grandmother becoming allergic to Penicillin later in life, and I felt a little panicked by the 5cc injection of it, but I seemed ok. Once we were all finished, we were loaded very unceremoniously back onto the van for the hotel.
By the time we got back, my arms were kind of itchy and I noticed my cheeks were hot. I looked in the mirror to find a welt under each eye. About that time, I found welts running up my right arm and I got a little concerned. Penicillin and I no longer get along! I watched the welts and put a cold compress on them throughout and tried not to worry my son, but I was pretty concerned. It seemed like the reaction was just working it's way up both arms very quickly. My forearms swelled and were hot to the touch. The skin actually felt burned!
I slept about 3 hours that next night and had to get up and walk several times in the night, but the gas at least felt as though it was starting to move lower in my belly. The pain was still really awful, but more tolerable.
The driver told us to be in the lobby by 9am the next morning for our x-ray. We were given Barium to drink, and we were told to start drinking it at 7am in order to get it all in by 9am. I have had Barium in the USA before for tests and it's not pleasurable, but it's something that you can get down and keep down. There was NO flavoring of any kind in the bottle were given in Mexico. The taste was so bad that most were throwing it up constantly. It was NOT fun.
When 5pm came and went, we were all feeling irritated. We had gone all day long without any meds or nursing care and I think all of us were ready for some relief. A little after 5:30 the driver showed up. Unfortunately, we were told that our loved ones could not go with us. It was upsetting to many, especially the wife (I will call her Maria) who demanded to come with her husband for any treatments he would get. The driver was angry and they went back and forth arguing while the rest of us sat in the van waiting to just leave and get our meds. Finally the driver agreed to let the wife come with us. Maria became our advocate. She asked many questions and got better care for many of us than we might have gotten without her. I thanked her many times for persevering and trying so hard to help us all. I think she sensed how horrible the nursing situation was for all of us and she had compassion that the nursing staff so dearly lacked.
The roads to and from the hospital were deplorable. I understand that the finances of Mexico are very different from the USA, but oh my gosh! The van was bouncing around like crazy for the 15 minutes it took to get to the hospital and the 30+ minutes it took to get back to the hotel (because of the street system). Everyone took turns moaning and making quiet crying out noises as we bounced all over that van to finally get to the hospital. The driver took us to the hospital/clinic a few doors down from where we had surgery that is used primarily for the plastic surgery. We were lead up a narrow flight of stairs (just what a patient that just had abdominal surgery wants to do...NOT) to a cramped room where we were given recliners that couldn't even open fully because there was not enough room. They hooked a bag of saline solution to our IVs in our hands and proceeded to redress our wounds, empty our drains and administer the 1cc of Morphine. My incisions had been covered with adhesive tape without any gauze or anything between the tape and my wounds, so when the nurse yanked the tape, it hurt pretty bad. I asked for him to put gauze on and he agreed, thankfully. We were told that we would not be getting morphine, but some other pain medication, which frankly did nothing for any of us. I was glad to get the IV fluids since I was unable to swallow much, but that and the wound dressing was about all we got out of that. The nurse then told us he would be injecting antibiotics. He asked if any of us were allergic to Penicillin and then injected. As he gave me my dose, I remembered my Grandmother becoming allergic to Penicillin later in life, and I felt a little panicked by the 5cc injection of it, but I seemed ok. Once we were all finished, we were loaded very unceremoniously back onto the van for the hotel.
By the time we got back, my arms were kind of itchy and I noticed my cheeks were hot. I looked in the mirror to find a welt under each eye. About that time, I found welts running up my right arm and I got a little concerned. Penicillin and I no longer get along! I watched the welts and put a cold compress on them throughout and tried not to worry my son, but I was pretty concerned. It seemed like the reaction was just working it's way up both arms very quickly. My forearms swelled and were hot to the touch. The skin actually felt burned!
I slept about 3 hours that next night and had to get up and walk several times in the night, but the gas at least felt as though it was starting to move lower in my belly. The pain was still really awful, but more tolerable.
The driver told us to be in the lobby by 9am the next morning for our x-ray. We were given Barium to drink, and we were told to start drinking it at 7am in order to get it all in by 9am. I have had Barium in the USA before for tests and it's not pleasurable, but it's something that you can get down and keep down. There was NO flavoring of any kind in the bottle were given in Mexico. The taste was so bad that most were throwing it up constantly. It was NOT fun.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
MIserable
Miserable doesn't really adequately describe the first 24 hours after surgery or so....
I woke up in recovery without anyone really near me. The young male nurse that had put my IV in told me to rest and he turned the lights out and disappeared. I was in a considerable amount of pain and I remember speaking to him in perfect Spanish telling him "Tengo mucho dolor" which means I have much pain! He told me that I had been medicated and would need to rest. I remember thinking - "OK.. this hurts so much. Maybe if I can sleep a little I will feel better when I wake up."
Two hours later I woke to the nurse (same one again) opening the door of the room and telling me that I needed to get up. I remember looking at the clock and thinking, "Geez... two hours isn't really much sleep after abdominal surgery!" Within seconds, I realized again how much pain I was in and I told the nurse again in Spanish that I was in a huge amount of pain and that I needed my "hijo" (or son).
I figured by this time Joshua was probably very worried unless they had kept him apprised of my condition and I needed the comfort of a loved one terribly at that point. He told me that he would work on that, but first I needed to get up and walk to my bed. "WHAT??" I thought.... WALK? I was so woozy from surgery and an obvious amount of pain meds. All of a sudden the big burly anesthesiologist appeared (at least I *think* it was him. He took my hands and started guiding me up and out of the bed. My legs were so weak under me and I could barely keep my eyes open. He told me constantly to look him in the eye and walk. I really don't know how I stumbled out of that recovery room and walked to my bed, but I did. I was sure that I was going to fall or pass out as I went, but I made it safely with both men leading me. I sat on the bed, and instinctively brought my legs around to lie down. The pain in my belly was sharp and I didn't know if it was the gas I had been warned about by the surgeon (necessary to inflate the abdomen and use the surgical laparoscopic instruments), the incisions or the muscles in my belly that had been cut for surgery, but the pain was searing. I tried to get comfortable but I was so groggy and in so much pain, I just sort of slumped into the bed and tried to pull the sheet over me. The nurse was not helpful in this maneuver and left before I was even comfortable. As the nurse went to leave the room again, I asked him to please bring my son to me.
About 20 minutes later, I found myself in an ever increasing amount of pain. I was literally writhing on the bed and making quiet moaning sounds as they brought my son to me. He looked very concerned and a bit afraid as he came to the side of the bed. He asked me if I was ok to which I can only remember moaning, "sooo much pain".... Shortly after the male nurse brought the other woman in who had the surgery second and dropped her off in her bed in a similar fashion. She was crying and moaning and looked miserable as well. She started to vomit in her emesis basin and the nurse looked annoyed to be emptying it, but took care of it. I remember feeling very sorry for her, as I thought throwing up after having most of your stomach removed couldn't feel good. Right about that time, I began dry heaving and Joshua quickly grabbed my emesis basin. I didn't sit up completely, just sort of leaned on one side and began to vomit. What came from me was not just mucous like the other patient. I was vomiting bright red thick blood and LOTS of it. Joshua ran for the nurse who told him that it was normal and to be expected but gave me no comfort at all. A female nurse was there now and taking care of probably all of the patients at once that had been done to that point in the day. I vomited a few more times - more bright red blood that was very disturbing to see. My son had to ask three or four times for it to be emptied before she finally came and took care of it. I can only imagine how scary all of that was for my son who had never seen me in so much pain and in what sure looked like dire straights.
One of the final times I vomited that night, I peed a little bit in the bed as I threw up so hard. I had only a hospital gown on and there was nothing to stop it. I told the nurse that I needed to get up and clean up and she literally chastised me for peeing in my bed! :( It's not like I did it on purpose for heaven sake! She tossed a clean hospital gown at me and told me to go to the bathroom to clean up. In shock of the complete lack of nursing care, I drug my IV bag to the bathroom to sit on the toilet and try to clean up and change on my own. I was very dizzy not to mention in a terrible amount of pain as I sat there, trying to fish my IV line and bag through an arm hole and try to clean myself up without passing out. NEVER in the USA would you have a nurse expect you to clean yourself up like that right after surgery. I was stunned and starting to really worry... When I came out of the bathroom, the orderly had changed my sheets and my bed was ready for me, but Joshua was gone. I found out later that they had made him leave to give the orderly more room to change the sheets but then never told him it was ok to go back in afterwards, so I spent 1.5 hours alone wondering where he was. The pain was building and getting to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. Other patients, operated on after me were trickling into the beds around the room where me and my "sleeve sister" were. There was so much suffering. People were crying, moaning, yelling out and begging for help.
We did have a phone in our room and I used it to call my mother at one point in the night as well as my terribly worried husband. I was not able to really speak well as I was in so much pain, but I was able to at least let them know that I was ok and alive. At least there was one thing that had been promised to me as a patient that was working out right.
I couldn't sleep although I wished for it to for a relief from the pain. I guess I was just hurting too much to sleep. I made a point of getting up once every single hour that whole first night to walk as everything I had read to date said that walking was the best way to get the gas out of the abdominal cavity. My roommate and I were sharing an IV pole, so everytime I got up to walk I had to reach up (OUCH) and take the IV bag down from the pole and then close the drip off before walking to avoid my blood backing up into the bag. It wasn't the easiest thing - waddling down the narrow corridor most of the night. Every time there was a nurse or orderly needing to get up or downstairs, I would have to stop, turn sideways and let them by, and then continue on my walk. It hurt so much that much of it is a blur to me now. I just kept doing it because I believed what I had heard - that it would help. I just wanted some kind of relief from this horrible pain! The nurses and staff that stayed at the hospital all that night were watching tv, eating incredibly delicious smelling food (which only made me kind of nauseated at the time) and they seemed to have little to no concern for our well being or comfort. When any of us asked for pain relief, we were told that we couldn't have more than one dose every 6 hours. I found out the following day from a wife that was trying to help her husband that had surgery the same day as me that we were being given only 1cc of Morphine every 6 hours. NOT worth giving. :( It wasn't even enough to make us sleep and relieve even a level of the pain. The crying and moaning from all of the patients continued throughout the night. It was one of the most helpless and hopeless situations I have lived through. I felt trapped, not being properly cared for in a foreign country without even my son with me. I was plenty happy when 7am rolled around. We had been told that we could have nothing by mouth until the next morning at 7am. My mouth was so dry (as it always is after surgery anyway) and I was dying to suck slowly on some ice chips.
The office manager (as I would best describe him) came in about 7:30am and my roommate and I both immediately asked for the ice chips we had been promised. He told me that I would be going back to the hotel and my "sleeve sister" to the recovery house. The hotel?? I had been promised in email that I would recover in a beautiful home with a nurse to care for me 24/7. What was I going to do at the hotel? I felt fearful but only for a moment as I realized that at least I would be with my son in a quiet room to sleep and recover. Paying for the hotel was going to be out of my pocket, even though the surgery fee had been to include lodging for me and my son at the recovery house, as well as meals for my son. I was irritated at the unexpected expense and my mother made a phone call to the program coordinator was well as did my son. We of course never received even so much as a courteous reply or an explanation.
They gave me 15 minutes to get dressed (again alone, without assistance) and then we were escorted back to the bumpy and uncomfortable vans to the hotel. Most of us were either silent or moaning quietly as we made our way through the bumpy streets of Tijuana. We all had small cups of ice chips, but most were vomiting them as fast as they could swallow. I felt a lot of pain and cramping in the area of my stomach, so I swallowed VERY slowly and managed to keep everything down. When we got to the hotel, our loved ones were waiting outside for us. I climbed gingerly out of the van and grabbed a hold of my son and started to cry. What a horrible night I had had! It was so good to see a familiar and caring face!
The driver told us he would be back at 5pm to pick us up and take us back to the hospital for meds and an IV bag. It was very daunting to think of spending the entire first day after surgery in a hotel without any pain meds or nursing care, but we had no choice. We made our way up to the room and I tried to get comfortable, which was not easy. My son went to the front desk and got 2 extra pillows for me which helped a lot, but without any pain medication, I was up and down and not sleeping that whole day.
I would have had no communication with anyone at home if it hadn't been for my IT son who set up a wifi hotspot in our room and called loved ones on Skype to let them see me and talk to me to know I was ok. It was very comforting especially to talk to my husband. He was so worried and it was good for us to see each other while talking. Although I was in too much pain to fly home, I wanted so much to leave and go home right then.
I woke up in recovery without anyone really near me. The young male nurse that had put my IV in told me to rest and he turned the lights out and disappeared. I was in a considerable amount of pain and I remember speaking to him in perfect Spanish telling him "Tengo mucho dolor" which means I have much pain! He told me that I had been medicated and would need to rest. I remember thinking - "OK.. this hurts so much. Maybe if I can sleep a little I will feel better when I wake up."
Two hours later I woke to the nurse (same one again) opening the door of the room and telling me that I needed to get up. I remember looking at the clock and thinking, "Geez... two hours isn't really much sleep after abdominal surgery!" Within seconds, I realized again how much pain I was in and I told the nurse again in Spanish that I was in a huge amount of pain and that I needed my "hijo" (or son).
I figured by this time Joshua was probably very worried unless they had kept him apprised of my condition and I needed the comfort of a loved one terribly at that point. He told me that he would work on that, but first I needed to get up and walk to my bed. "WHAT??" I thought.... WALK? I was so woozy from surgery and an obvious amount of pain meds. All of a sudden the big burly anesthesiologist appeared (at least I *think* it was him. He took my hands and started guiding me up and out of the bed. My legs were so weak under me and I could barely keep my eyes open. He told me constantly to look him in the eye and walk. I really don't know how I stumbled out of that recovery room and walked to my bed, but I did. I was sure that I was going to fall or pass out as I went, but I made it safely with both men leading me. I sat on the bed, and instinctively brought my legs around to lie down. The pain in my belly was sharp and I didn't know if it was the gas I had been warned about by the surgeon (necessary to inflate the abdomen and use the surgical laparoscopic instruments), the incisions or the muscles in my belly that had been cut for surgery, but the pain was searing. I tried to get comfortable but I was so groggy and in so much pain, I just sort of slumped into the bed and tried to pull the sheet over me. The nurse was not helpful in this maneuver and left before I was even comfortable. As the nurse went to leave the room again, I asked him to please bring my son to me.
About 20 minutes later, I found myself in an ever increasing amount of pain. I was literally writhing on the bed and making quiet moaning sounds as they brought my son to me. He looked very concerned and a bit afraid as he came to the side of the bed. He asked me if I was ok to which I can only remember moaning, "sooo much pain".... Shortly after the male nurse brought the other woman in who had the surgery second and dropped her off in her bed in a similar fashion. She was crying and moaning and looked miserable as well. She started to vomit in her emesis basin and the nurse looked annoyed to be emptying it, but took care of it. I remember feeling very sorry for her, as I thought throwing up after having most of your stomach removed couldn't feel good. Right about that time, I began dry heaving and Joshua quickly grabbed my emesis basin. I didn't sit up completely, just sort of leaned on one side and began to vomit. What came from me was not just mucous like the other patient. I was vomiting bright red thick blood and LOTS of it. Joshua ran for the nurse who told him that it was normal and to be expected but gave me no comfort at all. A female nurse was there now and taking care of probably all of the patients at once that had been done to that point in the day. I vomited a few more times - more bright red blood that was very disturbing to see. My son had to ask three or four times for it to be emptied before she finally came and took care of it. I can only imagine how scary all of that was for my son who had never seen me in so much pain and in what sure looked like dire straights.
One of the final times I vomited that night, I peed a little bit in the bed as I threw up so hard. I had only a hospital gown on and there was nothing to stop it. I told the nurse that I needed to get up and clean up and she literally chastised me for peeing in my bed! :( It's not like I did it on purpose for heaven sake! She tossed a clean hospital gown at me and told me to go to the bathroom to clean up. In shock of the complete lack of nursing care, I drug my IV bag to the bathroom to sit on the toilet and try to clean up and change on my own. I was very dizzy not to mention in a terrible amount of pain as I sat there, trying to fish my IV line and bag through an arm hole and try to clean myself up without passing out. NEVER in the USA would you have a nurse expect you to clean yourself up like that right after surgery. I was stunned and starting to really worry... When I came out of the bathroom, the orderly had changed my sheets and my bed was ready for me, but Joshua was gone. I found out later that they had made him leave to give the orderly more room to change the sheets but then never told him it was ok to go back in afterwards, so I spent 1.5 hours alone wondering where he was. The pain was building and getting to a point where I couldn't take it anymore. Other patients, operated on after me were trickling into the beds around the room where me and my "sleeve sister" were. There was so much suffering. People were crying, moaning, yelling out and begging for help.
We did have a phone in our room and I used it to call my mother at one point in the night as well as my terribly worried husband. I was not able to really speak well as I was in so much pain, but I was able to at least let them know that I was ok and alive. At least there was one thing that had been promised to me as a patient that was working out right.
I couldn't sleep although I wished for it to for a relief from the pain. I guess I was just hurting too much to sleep. I made a point of getting up once every single hour that whole first night to walk as everything I had read to date said that walking was the best way to get the gas out of the abdominal cavity. My roommate and I were sharing an IV pole, so everytime I got up to walk I had to reach up (OUCH) and take the IV bag down from the pole and then close the drip off before walking to avoid my blood backing up into the bag. It wasn't the easiest thing - waddling down the narrow corridor most of the night. Every time there was a nurse or orderly needing to get up or downstairs, I would have to stop, turn sideways and let them by, and then continue on my walk. It hurt so much that much of it is a blur to me now. I just kept doing it because I believed what I had heard - that it would help. I just wanted some kind of relief from this horrible pain! The nurses and staff that stayed at the hospital all that night were watching tv, eating incredibly delicious smelling food (which only made me kind of nauseated at the time) and they seemed to have little to no concern for our well being or comfort. When any of us asked for pain relief, we were told that we couldn't have more than one dose every 6 hours. I found out the following day from a wife that was trying to help her husband that had surgery the same day as me that we were being given only 1cc of Morphine every 6 hours. NOT worth giving. :( It wasn't even enough to make us sleep and relieve even a level of the pain. The crying and moaning from all of the patients continued throughout the night. It was one of the most helpless and hopeless situations I have lived through. I felt trapped, not being properly cared for in a foreign country without even my son with me. I was plenty happy when 7am rolled around. We had been told that we could have nothing by mouth until the next morning at 7am. My mouth was so dry (as it always is after surgery anyway) and I was dying to suck slowly on some ice chips.
The office manager (as I would best describe him) came in about 7:30am and my roommate and I both immediately asked for the ice chips we had been promised. He told me that I would be going back to the hotel and my "sleeve sister" to the recovery house. The hotel?? I had been promised in email that I would recover in a beautiful home with a nurse to care for me 24/7. What was I going to do at the hotel? I felt fearful but only for a moment as I realized that at least I would be with my son in a quiet room to sleep and recover. Paying for the hotel was going to be out of my pocket, even though the surgery fee had been to include lodging for me and my son at the recovery house, as well as meals for my son. I was irritated at the unexpected expense and my mother made a phone call to the program coordinator was well as did my son. We of course never received even so much as a courteous reply or an explanation.
They gave me 15 minutes to get dressed (again alone, without assistance) and then we were escorted back to the bumpy and uncomfortable vans to the hotel. Most of us were either silent or moaning quietly as we made our way through the bumpy streets of Tijuana. We all had small cups of ice chips, but most were vomiting them as fast as they could swallow. I felt a lot of pain and cramping in the area of my stomach, so I swallowed VERY slowly and managed to keep everything down. When we got to the hotel, our loved ones were waiting outside for us. I climbed gingerly out of the van and grabbed a hold of my son and started to cry. What a horrible night I had had! It was so good to see a familiar and caring face!
The driver told us he would be back at 5pm to pick us up and take us back to the hospital for meds and an IV bag. It was very daunting to think of spending the entire first day after surgery in a hotel without any pain meds or nursing care, but we had no choice. We made our way up to the room and I tried to get comfortable, which was not easy. My son went to the front desk and got 2 extra pillows for me which helped a lot, but without any pain medication, I was up and down and not sleeping that whole day.
I would have had no communication with anyone at home if it hadn't been for my IT son who set up a wifi hotspot in our room and called loved ones on Skype to let them see me and talk to me to know I was ok. It was very comforting especially to talk to my husband. He was so worried and it was good for us to see each other while talking. Although I was in too much pain to fly home, I wanted so much to leave and go home right then.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Surgery Day!
So after months of waiting, worrying and wondering if this day would ever come, it was finally July 23rd!
The driver from the hospital told us he would pick us up at 6am the next morning, so my oldest son (Joshua) and I got showered and dressed and headed for the lobby promptly at 6. Surprisingly, I had slept pretty well on a hotel mattress with nerves that should have been a mess, but I was pretty calm all in all. Sitting in the lobby, we met and talked to two other women who had had the surgery and were flying home that day. They were very nice and offered many good suggestions on comfort after surgery and they told me to walk and sip - just as all of the other "sleevers" on Vertical Sleeve Talk online that I had met and talked to. They looked pretty strong and that gave me some confidence too. I also met a woman that had come in Sunday as well and was having the surgery early that morning alongside me. Her name was Sandy. We were to be the first two patients that morning and we were getting picked up early so that the doctor could start on us while the other patients were getting picked up at the airport. Sandy was older - nearly 60 and really didn't look like she had much weight to lose, but I wasn't about to judge. If the doctor had agreed to sleeve her, she was good to go.
We waited for the driver and pretty soon 7am rolled around and he still hadn't shown up. The patients getting ready to go home told us that the drivers are never on time, so we didn't worry - just waited.
By 8am I was getting a little bit irritated. I could've been sleeping all of that time! :( Finally around 8:15am the driver rolled in and we were on our way to Jerusalem "hospital". It was a pretty quick 15-20 minute ride over there. I didn't see any armed guards that morning which was a little relieving, but they do unlock the doors to let you in the clinic and lock them behind you which is just not something that we experience in the USA at a medical facility. We sat down in the very small lobby and they checked us in. They tagged our luggage with our names and made sure we were paid in full. It was only a few more minutes and they called us back to be prepped for surgery. I hugged and kissed my son goodbye not knowing how long it might be until I saw him again. He looked a little worried, but I trudged on. By this time, I was nervous myself and questioning my choice in establishments a bit, but I moved on. They had taken my blood the day before upon arriving in Tijuana, so they needed only to weigh me in, take my vitals and do an EKG. I weighed in at a proud 305 that morning, meaning I had lost 28 pounds before surgery which was pretty darn close to my goal! I put on the hospital gown, and they gave me a hat for my head and they wrapped my legs tightly in wraps (to prevent blood clots) and taped those and booties onto my feet. Soon I was given an IV in my hand (they don't seem to do them anywhere else) which wasn't the most comfortable but the nurse was a young man that had probably a little less experience than what I am used to here at home. Within minutes of that, the Cardiologist who spoke no English arrived and they hooked me up for the EKG. Luckily I speak some Spanish and I was able to ask him how my heart looked. He said it was "strong and healthy". Hmmm... not so strong when I kept having chest pains here at home, but I'm sure it was strong enough for surgery and that's all that really mattered.
Once cleared officially for surgery, the surgeon himself - Dr. Almanza - came and introduced himself. He explained briefly what he was going to do and that we should expect some gas pain from the gas they inject into the abdominal cavity to be able to work in there laparoscopically. He then turned to Sandy and asked her how much weight she had lost before surgery. She replied "Three pounds, doctor". He looked at her without any expression briefly, before then asking me the same question. When I replied with an excited, "Twenty-eight pounds!" he smiled and said that he was proud of me and impressed by my "passion for weight loss". In my joking way, I said, "Just make sure and sew my tummy a little bit tighter then, ok"? I had been thinking that a smaller "bougie" as it's called would sure be nice. The "bougie" is the tube that is inserted down the throat by the anesthesiologist to measure against while stapling off the stomach from the part that will be removed. It's a sizing tool, basically. This surgeon almost always uses the same size bougie on all patients. When I said that he smiled and said in his broken English, "I am going to do just that. I will give you a smaller bougie for your passion." I was SO excited! A smaller stomach makes for a tough road as far as eating but I also believe it will make for faster weight loss and I was almost in tears with excitement. :) Dr. Almanza is also known for taking the smaller patients first and doing the bigger ones later, so I knew I would be #2 since Sandy was so much smaller than me.
Dr. Almanza excused himself and it was only moments then before the nurse came and got me for surgery! Number one! We walked down the narrow stairs carrying my IV bag back toward the lobby and I almost asked to say goodbye to my son, but decided to just keep walking and get this done! I saw the swinging OR doors ahead and on them it clearly said in Spanish, Operating Room, no admittance, no food or drink. "Here I go!" I thought as the nurse pushed the doors open. Immediately inside the doors, I was strongly flooded with the delicious smell of Mexican food and I couldn't help but think it was some cruel last joke before surgery. There inside the doors sat about 4-5 Mexican in surgical scrubs, downing what looked like heavenly fajitas! Ok... NOT something you would see in the USA. Weird at best, right? The nurse kind of pushed me gently forward through the next doors which lead into the OR outright. It looked pretty simple, but clean and adequate. She had me lay on the table and started to strap down my arms. I HATE THIS PART. This is the part of surgery I could live without. Feeling a little trapped and totally vulnerable is not a good feeling. I was relieved to immediately see the anesthesiologist. I recognized him from their website. He's a big man with a gentle face. I explained to him that I have horrible nausea and vomiting after surgery and asked if he could please dose me strongly with anti-nausea meds before I wake up to avoid that. Vomiting after stomach surgery sounded so painful.... :( He told me he would and that's the last thing I remember. OUT like a light.
The driver from the hospital told us he would pick us up at 6am the next morning, so my oldest son (Joshua) and I got showered and dressed and headed for the lobby promptly at 6. Surprisingly, I had slept pretty well on a hotel mattress with nerves that should have been a mess, but I was pretty calm all in all. Sitting in the lobby, we met and talked to two other women who had had the surgery and were flying home that day. They were very nice and offered many good suggestions on comfort after surgery and they told me to walk and sip - just as all of the other "sleevers" on Vertical Sleeve Talk online that I had met and talked to. They looked pretty strong and that gave me some confidence too. I also met a woman that had come in Sunday as well and was having the surgery early that morning alongside me. Her name was Sandy. We were to be the first two patients that morning and we were getting picked up early so that the doctor could start on us while the other patients were getting picked up at the airport. Sandy was older - nearly 60 and really didn't look like she had much weight to lose, but I wasn't about to judge. If the doctor had agreed to sleeve her, she was good to go.
We waited for the driver and pretty soon 7am rolled around and he still hadn't shown up. The patients getting ready to go home told us that the drivers are never on time, so we didn't worry - just waited.
By 8am I was getting a little bit irritated. I could've been sleeping all of that time! :( Finally around 8:15am the driver rolled in and we were on our way to Jerusalem "hospital". It was a pretty quick 15-20 minute ride over there. I didn't see any armed guards that morning which was a little relieving, but they do unlock the doors to let you in the clinic and lock them behind you which is just not something that we experience in the USA at a medical facility. We sat down in the very small lobby and they checked us in. They tagged our luggage with our names and made sure we were paid in full. It was only a few more minutes and they called us back to be prepped for surgery. I hugged and kissed my son goodbye not knowing how long it might be until I saw him again. He looked a little worried, but I trudged on. By this time, I was nervous myself and questioning my choice in establishments a bit, but I moved on. They had taken my blood the day before upon arriving in Tijuana, so they needed only to weigh me in, take my vitals and do an EKG. I weighed in at a proud 305 that morning, meaning I had lost 28 pounds before surgery which was pretty darn close to my goal! I put on the hospital gown, and they gave me a hat for my head and they wrapped my legs tightly in wraps (to prevent blood clots) and taped those and booties onto my feet. Soon I was given an IV in my hand (they don't seem to do them anywhere else) which wasn't the most comfortable but the nurse was a young man that had probably a little less experience than what I am used to here at home. Within minutes of that, the Cardiologist who spoke no English arrived and they hooked me up for the EKG. Luckily I speak some Spanish and I was able to ask him how my heart looked. He said it was "strong and healthy". Hmmm... not so strong when I kept having chest pains here at home, but I'm sure it was strong enough for surgery and that's all that really mattered.
Once cleared officially for surgery, the surgeon himself - Dr. Almanza - came and introduced himself. He explained briefly what he was going to do and that we should expect some gas pain from the gas they inject into the abdominal cavity to be able to work in there laparoscopically. He then turned to Sandy and asked her how much weight she had lost before surgery. She replied "Three pounds, doctor". He looked at her without any expression briefly, before then asking me the same question. When I replied with an excited, "Twenty-eight pounds!" he smiled and said that he was proud of me and impressed by my "passion for weight loss". In my joking way, I said, "Just make sure and sew my tummy a little bit tighter then, ok"? I had been thinking that a smaller "bougie" as it's called would sure be nice. The "bougie" is the tube that is inserted down the throat by the anesthesiologist to measure against while stapling off the stomach from the part that will be removed. It's a sizing tool, basically. This surgeon almost always uses the same size bougie on all patients. When I said that he smiled and said in his broken English, "I am going to do just that. I will give you a smaller bougie for your passion." I was SO excited! A smaller stomach makes for a tough road as far as eating but I also believe it will make for faster weight loss and I was almost in tears with excitement. :) Dr. Almanza is also known for taking the smaller patients first and doing the bigger ones later, so I knew I would be #2 since Sandy was so much smaller than me.
Dr. Almanza excused himself and it was only moments then before the nurse came and got me for surgery! Number one! We walked down the narrow stairs carrying my IV bag back toward the lobby and I almost asked to say goodbye to my son, but decided to just keep walking and get this done! I saw the swinging OR doors ahead and on them it clearly said in Spanish, Operating Room, no admittance, no food or drink. "Here I go!" I thought as the nurse pushed the doors open. Immediately inside the doors, I was strongly flooded with the delicious smell of Mexican food and I couldn't help but think it was some cruel last joke before surgery. There inside the doors sat about 4-5 Mexican in surgical scrubs, downing what looked like heavenly fajitas! Ok... NOT something you would see in the USA. Weird at best, right? The nurse kind of pushed me gently forward through the next doors which lead into the OR outright. It looked pretty simple, but clean and adequate. She had me lay on the table and started to strap down my arms. I HATE THIS PART. This is the part of surgery I could live without. Feeling a little trapped and totally vulnerable is not a good feeling. I was relieved to immediately see the anesthesiologist. I recognized him from their website. He's a big man with a gentle face. I explained to him that I have horrible nausea and vomiting after surgery and asked if he could please dose me strongly with anti-nausea meds before I wake up to avoid that. Vomiting after stomach surgery sounded so painful.... :( He told me he would and that's the last thing I remember. OUT like a light.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Trip to Mexico!
I worked July 19th, 20th and 21st doing my regular Realtor work as well as the part time karaoke hosting. It seemed to keep my mind a little more busy and time slipped away much more quickly than I had expected. I worked until 2am on the morning of the 22nd, and the driver picked my oldest son (Joshua) and I up at 7:40am that morning. I was a little tired, but so excited to leave and begin my new life!
The ride to the airport that Sunday morning was smooth and uneventful. Our driver drove us there in a big black SUV (maybe a Tahoe?) and we looked like we were being escorted somewhere by the FBI.. LOL We made lots of jokes about that to the uniformed driver who was obviously well trained to be serious and quiet. :)
We got to the airport with plenty of time to check and proceeded to the First Class baggage check-in and then to the First Class security area. Amazing how they let passengers paying so much for their tickets to move much more quickly through the security check points. I never can afford to fly First Class but really wanted to have the room and comfort there and back. I thought it might be extremely important especially on the way home right after surgery.
We got to our gate and waited for a very short time and we began boarding the plane to San Diego!
Alaska Airlines treated us with lots of dignity and class. I have to say that flying First Class is SO worth the money. What an experience! It was a little sad to watch my son eat the amazing food we were served as I sipped on my water.... uggghhhh... I did fine though!
Our trip to San Diego was uneventful and seemed to go pretty quickly. Before we knew it, we had landed at San Diego International Airport and we collected our luggage easily and made the phone call to the doctor's office coordinator to ask them to come and pick us up. They would be there soon, so we began the LONG and I mean LONG walk to the Jet Blue terminal which was on the complete opposite side of the airport. I was tired (no food for 2 weeks will do that to you) and my son even lugging all of our bags was way ahead of me. I felt much like a submissive Japanese wife trying my best to stay behind him but not getting too close. LOL
Finally we made it to the pick up spot - exhausted and hot. The driver came very soon after we got there thankfully and we loaded into the van marked "Jerusalem Hospital" and began the journey to Tijuana, just across the border. The driver spoke some English, but not a lot. He navigated the area well and avoided lots of traffic on I-5 as we weaved our way across the border a little further than the most popular spot at San Ysidro. The Mexican border guard didn't ask to see our passports and just did a quick search of the back of the van and we were once again on our way.
The driver took me directly to the hospital for a pre-op blood draw. Even knowing ahead of time what to expect could not have softened what I saw next...
The "hospital" was not a hospital at all, but a very tiny two story clinic wedged in between an Office Depot store and a furniture rental shop. I gulped a little bit and my son asked nervously, "Is this where they do the surgery or is this just where they are taking your blood?" I explained that this was the hospital and he looked very worried. The blood draw was very typical and smooth and we were quickly back in the van on our way to the hotel for the night. As we left the parking lot, I almost flipped out to see several men wearing all black and holding assault rifles! IN THE PARKING LOT. Neither one of us said another word on the way to the hotel. All of our joking the whole way down and enjoying the trip was ended.
We checked in to the hotel and I collapsed on the bed and bawled my eyes out as my son used the restroom. "Oh my gawd... what have I done??" I said to him. He was incredulous and neither one of us knew what to think. We went to the hotel restaurant to have some dinner (or at least he did - I had soup) and talked a little bit. Joshua worked hard to calm my nerves and bring some sense and laughter to this scary situation. What in the world were they guarding? Is that typical? Is the area that dangerous that the guards are necessary? So many questions flooded our minds but we worked hard to relax.
The driver had told us that he would pick us up at 6am the next morning, so we went to bed relatively early in preparation for the big day - when my life would start anew as a thin and fit person!
The ride to the airport that Sunday morning was smooth and uneventful. Our driver drove us there in a big black SUV (maybe a Tahoe?) and we looked like we were being escorted somewhere by the FBI.. LOL We made lots of jokes about that to the uniformed driver who was obviously well trained to be serious and quiet. :)
We got to the airport with plenty of time to check and proceeded to the First Class baggage check-in and then to the First Class security area. Amazing how they let passengers paying so much for their tickets to move much more quickly through the security check points. I never can afford to fly First Class but really wanted to have the room and comfort there and back. I thought it might be extremely important especially on the way home right after surgery.
We got to our gate and waited for a very short time and we began boarding the plane to San Diego!
Alaska Airlines treated us with lots of dignity and class. I have to say that flying First Class is SO worth the money. What an experience! It was a little sad to watch my son eat the amazing food we were served as I sipped on my water.... uggghhhh... I did fine though!
Our trip to San Diego was uneventful and seemed to go pretty quickly. Before we knew it, we had landed at San Diego International Airport and we collected our luggage easily and made the phone call to the doctor's office coordinator to ask them to come and pick us up. They would be there soon, so we began the LONG and I mean LONG walk to the Jet Blue terminal which was on the complete opposite side of the airport. I was tired (no food for 2 weeks will do that to you) and my son even lugging all of our bags was way ahead of me. I felt much like a submissive Japanese wife trying my best to stay behind him but not getting too close. LOL
Finally we made it to the pick up spot - exhausted and hot. The driver came very soon after we got there thankfully and we loaded into the van marked "Jerusalem Hospital" and began the journey to Tijuana, just across the border. The driver spoke some English, but not a lot. He navigated the area well and avoided lots of traffic on I-5 as we weaved our way across the border a little further than the most popular spot at San Ysidro. The Mexican border guard didn't ask to see our passports and just did a quick search of the back of the van and we were once again on our way.
The driver took me directly to the hospital for a pre-op blood draw. Even knowing ahead of time what to expect could not have softened what I saw next...
The "hospital" was not a hospital at all, but a very tiny two story clinic wedged in between an Office Depot store and a furniture rental shop. I gulped a little bit and my son asked nervously, "Is this where they do the surgery or is this just where they are taking your blood?" I explained that this was the hospital and he looked very worried. The blood draw was very typical and smooth and we were quickly back in the van on our way to the hotel for the night. As we left the parking lot, I almost flipped out to see several men wearing all black and holding assault rifles! IN THE PARKING LOT. Neither one of us said another word on the way to the hotel. All of our joking the whole way down and enjoying the trip was ended.
We checked in to the hotel and I collapsed on the bed and bawled my eyes out as my son used the restroom. "Oh my gawd... what have I done??" I said to him. He was incredulous and neither one of us knew what to think. We went to the hotel restaurant to have some dinner (or at least he did - I had soup) and talked a little bit. Joshua worked hard to calm my nerves and bring some sense and laughter to this scary situation. What in the world were they guarding? Is that typical? Is the area that dangerous that the guards are necessary? So many questions flooded our minds but we worked hard to relax.
The driver had told us that he would pick us up at 6am the next morning, so we went to bed relatively early in preparation for the big day - when my life would start anew as a thin and fit person!
Liquid Diet Didn't Do Me In
I know it's been awhile. I know that I should have blogged much sooner than now to explain my journey to Mexico, the surgery and my post-op experiences. I have just honestly been wiped out. I will start tonight and explain all that has happened since my last blog post.
I continued on the liquid diet and although my body was obviously hungry and weak, I really no longer felt hunger toward the end. It's almost like I had finally surrendered and accepted that there was not going to be any food in my belly for at least the next 3 weeks. I did really well with only about a .25 ounce piece of cheese a couple of nights to squelch the fire of burning stomach acids. I took in many protein shakes - at least 3 a day - to keep my protein at a healthy level and I drank a ton of water.
As I packed to leave for my trip to Mexico for surgery, I weighed myself and was very happy to see a 25 pound weight loss! I had hoped to lose 30-33 pounds, but I was pretty happy to see that chunk of weight gone!
I can see now looking back that it was excellent "training" for the weeks to come post-op when my body would be even more weak just having had surgery and I was going to be accustomed to the liquid diet already, which would help me tremendously. It was all well worth it, despite the crying, hunger, hunger pains, frustration and crabbiness.
I continued on the liquid diet and although my body was obviously hungry and weak, I really no longer felt hunger toward the end. It's almost like I had finally surrendered and accepted that there was not going to be any food in my belly for at least the next 3 weeks. I did really well with only about a .25 ounce piece of cheese a couple of nights to squelch the fire of burning stomach acids. I took in many protein shakes - at least 3 a day - to keep my protein at a healthy level and I drank a ton of water.
As I packed to leave for my trip to Mexico for surgery, I weighed myself and was very happy to see a 25 pound weight loss! I had hoped to lose 30-33 pounds, but I was pretty happy to see that chunk of weight gone!
I can see now looking back that it was excellent "training" for the weeks to come post-op when my body would be even more weak just having had surgery and I was going to be accustomed to the liquid diet already, which would help me tremendously. It was all well worth it, despite the crying, hunger, hunger pains, frustration and crabbiness.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
20 Pounds!!!
I still have some water retention to deal with and that will get worse in the next 2 days or so, but I am now officially down 20 pounds in my pre-op weight loss efforts!! The scale has been showing a big stall in my loss and I was feeling pretty bad about that. I couldn't see how I wasn't losing more weight when I am taking in almost zero fat and about 500 calories a day. My body does this though - holds on to fat when it thinks I am starving. Uggghh!!!!
I would still like to lose 10 more pounds but I only have 6 days now to do it. I will keep pushing on!!! At least now I feel like I am accomplishing something!
I would still like to lose 10 more pounds but I only have 6 days now to do it. I will keep pushing on!!! At least now I feel like I am accomplishing something!
No more pain!
Today is Day 8 of my torturous liquid diet before surgery. I spent several days with a really bad stomach ache and incredible "head hunger". "Head Hunger" is evil. It's not like you are physically hungry. It's just that psychologically you want something to chew, or taste or you just feel like you should be eating, even though you are full or not needing to eat. Head hunger is powerful. Even though I have never been addicted to cigarettes, I have known people well who were and quit. I liken head hunger to quitting smoking and still having that horrible desire to put that cigarette or something into your mouth. It's that same kind of feeling you get in certain instances as a smoker quitting - like after sex, after meals, while drinking, etc. Head hunger is really tough on the emotions. Not being able to taste or eat food makes one sad, irritable, maybe even angry. You feel deprived and it's very hard to distract yourself from it. The more I try to describe it, the more I think a food addict trying to be on a liquid diet for 8 days is much like a smoker trying to quit!
But I digress... so the first few days were extremely hard with the endless head hunger. I drank my protein shake, I was satisfied and yet I was wanting FOOD. It made me embarrassingly cranky and even though I kept almost a mantra in my head of "don't take this out on those you love", I found it hard to be civil and kind. I'm ashamed of my behavior. It was really not the best. It's not like I was awful to anyone, but my lack of patience and criticism of others that I strive to not show were right out front! I picked at my husband's grammar and I yelled at other drivers in my car on the road. I was impatient with my daughter, who talks almost non-stop at 8. I just felt like a spoiled child that wanted candy and had been told "no".
On top of the head hunger and irritability, I was literally in pain for days. My stomach ached. I finally found out what it is to go to bed hungry and I now know what it means to really say, "I am starving!" The pain in my stomach wasn't excruciating or anything - just an ache that never seemed to really go away. After some broth or a protein drink it would ease a little bit, but it just never went away. Finally I woke up on Day 7 and realized that the pain had finally eased! Hurray!
Today was the easiest day yet - 3 protein shakes and 3 mugs of broth. I boiled down some turkey wings and made my own broth that was SO much tastier than the canned chicken "stuff". My daughter turned 9 today and we celebrated at my son's house with fantastic BBQ and a beautiful cake. I felt no temptation. As a matter of fact, I wasn't really even interested. Food is just not that appealing anymore. SCARY, huh?
My mother cried a little bit tonight. At first I thought she was just worried about me, but she said that she just felt odd that she wasn't doing this with me. We used to be so close and we're just not anymore (long story, different blog). She asked me twice if I couldn't just do Atkins and lose some weight like I did a few years ago and be satisfied. I reminded her that Atkins will never be a permanent solution to my weight problem and that I desperately need the help that the sleeve will give me as the perfect tool for my situation. Everyone else in my family seems to have accepted that this is what I am going to do. Some seem a little more concerned than others, most are not supportive in words at all, but I know that they know in their hearts that this surgery is going to prolong my life and bring back a quality of life that I haven't known since I was a very young adult.
I'm in the homestretch now. I will fly to Mexico in 5 days. FIVE DAYS!!!! My surgery is in 6 days. My new life is so close at hand. I will do my best to keep my mind busy for the next few days with packing and trip preparations so that it goes even faster.
But I digress... so the first few days were extremely hard with the endless head hunger. I drank my protein shake, I was satisfied and yet I was wanting FOOD. It made me embarrassingly cranky and even though I kept almost a mantra in my head of "don't take this out on those you love", I found it hard to be civil and kind. I'm ashamed of my behavior. It was really not the best. It's not like I was awful to anyone, but my lack of patience and criticism of others that I strive to not show were right out front! I picked at my husband's grammar and I yelled at other drivers in my car on the road. I was impatient with my daughter, who talks almost non-stop at 8. I just felt like a spoiled child that wanted candy and had been told "no".
On top of the head hunger and irritability, I was literally in pain for days. My stomach ached. I finally found out what it is to go to bed hungry and I now know what it means to really say, "I am starving!" The pain in my stomach wasn't excruciating or anything - just an ache that never seemed to really go away. After some broth or a protein drink it would ease a little bit, but it just never went away. Finally I woke up on Day 7 and realized that the pain had finally eased! Hurray!
Today was the easiest day yet - 3 protein shakes and 3 mugs of broth. I boiled down some turkey wings and made my own broth that was SO much tastier than the canned chicken "stuff". My daughter turned 9 today and we celebrated at my son's house with fantastic BBQ and a beautiful cake. I felt no temptation. As a matter of fact, I wasn't really even interested. Food is just not that appealing anymore. SCARY, huh?
My mother cried a little bit tonight. At first I thought she was just worried about me, but she said that she just felt odd that she wasn't doing this with me. We used to be so close and we're just not anymore (long story, different blog). She asked me twice if I couldn't just do Atkins and lose some weight like I did a few years ago and be satisfied. I reminded her that Atkins will never be a permanent solution to my weight problem and that I desperately need the help that the sleeve will give me as the perfect tool for my situation. Everyone else in my family seems to have accepted that this is what I am going to do. Some seem a little more concerned than others, most are not supportive in words at all, but I know that they know in their hearts that this surgery is going to prolong my life and bring back a quality of life that I haven't known since I was a very young adult.
I'm in the homestretch now. I will fly to Mexico in 5 days. FIVE DAYS!!!! My surgery is in 6 days. My new life is so close at hand. I will do my best to keep my mind busy for the next few days with packing and trip preparations so that it goes even faster.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Day 6 On Liquids
My mood has slightly improved, but I continue to be pretty miserable. I am no longer craving every food in the universe, and I certainly get full MUCH faster now. One protein shake will keep me satisfied for a couple of hours now. I had lost another 1.5 pounds this morning when I weighed myself which gave me a lift. I have't really shown any further weight loss since my 16 pounds on Atkins prior to the start of the liquid diet and that was really starting to get to me. My body seemed to go into a mini-shock the first few days, holding on to every calorie and every ounce of water I drank. My feet, ankles and legs swelled up to an uncomfortable point. I take a blood pressure medication that contains a "water pill" or diuretic in it. Usually it makes me pee LARGE quantities every single hour of the day. For the first few days on this liquid diet, I was hardly peeing - even with the pills. My body was over-riding the medication to preserve itself!
The goal is to get in 60 grams of protein everyday to prevent muscle loss, so I am working hard to get at least 3 protein shakes in (each one with skim milk has more than 18 grams). I am drinking broth too which is not a source of protein surprisingly, but is warm and filling. I can eat all of the sugar free popsicles I want and sugar free Jello.. I tried the popsicles one night, but they just gave me horrible heartburn, so that was a bust. I think the Jello will be the same way, so I haven't tried that yet. I may make some tomorrow to see if it helps.
I'm definitely more tired, a little bit weak and I get a headache and dizziness every night before bed, but I am surviving! My stomach hurts most of the time. I will admit now that I don't think that I have EVER been truly hungry in my life until now. I truly know what hunger feels like now. It's a gnawing pain that doesn't go away. It's not a craving for something to eat or that feeling you get when you see a delectable ad on tv for something perceived as "delicious". Hunger is a pain in the gut that doesn't go away. I feel incredible empathy now for starving people (in particular starving children) all over the world. We as Americans generally have no idea what it really is. No child should go to bed hungry! No one should have to starve and feel the pain of their body wasting away looking for something to provide energy. If every American gave $1.00 to a reputable group that would wisely feed hungry people, we could make a HUGE difference! Why doesn't our government put that $1 donation on every tax return? We give $1 to fund political campaigns, why not to stop hunger?????
ok...off my soap box, but REALLY?
I leave for Mexico in 8 days which seems a little bit like an eternity right now, but I know it will be here very soon! I can do this... I can do this... I will just continue to tell myself this..
I have also come to the conclusion that this journey is mine and mine alone. No one around me understands the hunger, the weakness, the pain and the frustration. My sweet husband is sad with frustration. He wants so much to ease this burden and he is helpless. My 25 year old son will be physically traveling with me to Mexico for the surgery but he is young and really lacks empathy. He has a loving heart and I know he means well, but he is just too young and self-centered yet to really get this whole situation and give me any comfort emotionally. All of my life, I have had someone to walk with me through my toughest times and darkest hours, but this time... ALL ME. I'm not complaining about it - just stating the facts. I got myself fat like this all by myself and now I will walk this journey for the most part alone. I do smile thinking of how much stronger and more assured I will be on the other side of all of this. I am not only preparing to start my life anew as a trim and fit person, but I will be able to always remember the suffering that brought me through it. I can do nothing other than come out a better person.
Anyone want to tell me this is the "easy way out" now?
The goal is to get in 60 grams of protein everyday to prevent muscle loss, so I am working hard to get at least 3 protein shakes in (each one with skim milk has more than 18 grams). I am drinking broth too which is not a source of protein surprisingly, but is warm and filling. I can eat all of the sugar free popsicles I want and sugar free Jello.. I tried the popsicles one night, but they just gave me horrible heartburn, so that was a bust. I think the Jello will be the same way, so I haven't tried that yet. I may make some tomorrow to see if it helps.
I'm definitely more tired, a little bit weak and I get a headache and dizziness every night before bed, but I am surviving! My stomach hurts most of the time. I will admit now that I don't think that I have EVER been truly hungry in my life until now. I truly know what hunger feels like now. It's a gnawing pain that doesn't go away. It's not a craving for something to eat or that feeling you get when you see a delectable ad on tv for something perceived as "delicious". Hunger is a pain in the gut that doesn't go away. I feel incredible empathy now for starving people (in particular starving children) all over the world. We as Americans generally have no idea what it really is. No child should go to bed hungry! No one should have to starve and feel the pain of their body wasting away looking for something to provide energy. If every American gave $1.00 to a reputable group that would wisely feed hungry people, we could make a HUGE difference! Why doesn't our government put that $1 donation on every tax return? We give $1 to fund political campaigns, why not to stop hunger?????
ok...off my soap box, but REALLY?
I leave for Mexico in 8 days which seems a little bit like an eternity right now, but I know it will be here very soon! I can do this... I can do this... I will just continue to tell myself this..
I have also come to the conclusion that this journey is mine and mine alone. No one around me understands the hunger, the weakness, the pain and the frustration. My sweet husband is sad with frustration. He wants so much to ease this burden and he is helpless. My 25 year old son will be physically traveling with me to Mexico for the surgery but he is young and really lacks empathy. He has a loving heart and I know he means well, but he is just too young and self-centered yet to really get this whole situation and give me any comfort emotionally. All of my life, I have had someone to walk with me through my toughest times and darkest hours, but this time... ALL ME. I'm not complaining about it - just stating the facts. I got myself fat like this all by myself and now I will walk this journey for the most part alone. I do smile thinking of how much stronger and more assured I will be on the other side of all of this. I am not only preparing to start my life anew as a trim and fit person, but I will be able to always remember the suffering that brought me through it. I can do nothing other than come out a better person.
Anyone want to tell me this is the "easy way out" now?
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Day 1 Down
Well, it's official. The liquid diet SUCKS.
I got up this morning cranky, defeated and sad. I hadn't even started yet!
I went to the kitchen to find my son making "hobo hash" for himself and his sibs. It's scrambled eggs with cheese, bacon and potatoes. I walked back out of the kitchen without even bothering with my protein shake. Finally around noon, I decided I was hungry enough to pull the "Bullet" (blender) out of it's box and start assembling it. I didn't get far. My frustration level was so high and my patience was non-existent. About 45 minutes later I proceeded to re-enter the kitchen yet again to hand wash all of the parts to the "Bullet" as well as to wash the shaker cups my husband and I will use for drinks at times. I was irritated at every single aspect of the preparation, but eventually I got ready for the ingredients.
I went to the fridge and got the skim milk (ewwwww) and grabbed some ice too. I threw those into the "Bullet" and then opened the trusty can of powdered protein drink mix. It's only 100 calories and gives me 18g of protein per shake! Very much what the surgeon ordered. I have been reading lots of people's stories about how horrible these shakes are. Some gag, vomit and despise these. I was a little worried - not gonna lie. I mixed it up briefly in the "Bullet" and then went to release the cup from the machine. It was stuck! I tried and tried to get it off, but it wouldn't budge. "Great!" I yelled. I finally got the courage up to make a shake and then I couldn't drink the damn thing because it was stuck on the machine. I was ready to cry, and I mean for real. I asked my 13 year old son to try to get it off and with much grunting and work, he still hadn't been able to release the demon cup from the machine. I was ready to give up and go sulk when I gave it one more try and VOILA! It finally released and the shake was in my hand.
"Yuck" my daughter said as she looked at the grog. I shot her an evil stare and said, "This is the only food I can eat for the next 2 weeks. Don't knock it!"
The shake really was pretty good and I got it down without issue. I actually felt full .... for about 20 minutes. I have been drinking all day. Three shakes total, one glass of tomato juice and 2 mugs of chicken broth. I AM STARVING. I am not going to sugar coat this - the liquid diet is hell. People from the message board I frequent swear that it gets much better in the next 2 days, but right now all I can think about is how hungry I am. My stomach is burning and growling and I am exhausted. No energy. I was sneaky earlier and stole two Macadamia nuts from my husband's Atkins stash. It was like heaven. I was almost shaky as I lifted the little bites of heaven to my mouth.
It's overwhelming to think of doing this for 13 more days and that's only *before* the surgery!! After surgery there will be another 2-3 weeks of liquids only before moving slowly to pureed (baby food consistency) foods. All totalled - FIVE WEEKS at a minimum of liquids only. If anyone tells me that having this surgery is "the easy way out" to lose weight, I am without a doubt going to deck them! I see red just thinking about someone saying that to me or around me. WLS (weight loss surgery) is NOT for the faint of heart and it is a sacrifice of major proportions. My focus for the next 13 days - SKINNY ME or even just reasonably sized me!! I can do this... RIGHT?
I got up this morning cranky, defeated and sad. I hadn't even started yet!
I went to the kitchen to find my son making "hobo hash" for himself and his sibs. It's scrambled eggs with cheese, bacon and potatoes. I walked back out of the kitchen without even bothering with my protein shake. Finally around noon, I decided I was hungry enough to pull the "Bullet" (blender) out of it's box and start assembling it. I didn't get far. My frustration level was so high and my patience was non-existent. About 45 minutes later I proceeded to re-enter the kitchen yet again to hand wash all of the parts to the "Bullet" as well as to wash the shaker cups my husband and I will use for drinks at times. I was irritated at every single aspect of the preparation, but eventually I got ready for the ingredients.
"Yuck" my daughter said as she looked at the grog. I shot her an evil stare and said, "This is the only food I can eat for the next 2 weeks. Don't knock it!"
The shake really was pretty good and I got it down without issue. I actually felt full .... for about 20 minutes. I have been drinking all day. Three shakes total, one glass of tomato juice and 2 mugs of chicken broth. I AM STARVING. I am not going to sugar coat this - the liquid diet is hell. People from the message board I frequent swear that it gets much better in the next 2 days, but right now all I can think about is how hungry I am. My stomach is burning and growling and I am exhausted. No energy. I was sneaky earlier and stole two Macadamia nuts from my husband's Atkins stash. It was like heaven. I was almost shaky as I lifted the little bites of heaven to my mouth.
It's overwhelming to think of doing this for 13 more days and that's only *before* the surgery!! After surgery there will be another 2-3 weeks of liquids only before moving slowly to pureed (baby food consistency) foods. All totalled - FIVE WEEKS at a minimum of liquids only. If anyone tells me that having this surgery is "the easy way out" to lose weight, I am without a doubt going to deck them! I see red just thinking about someone saying that to me or around me. WLS (weight loss surgery) is NOT for the faint of heart and it is a sacrifice of major proportions. My focus for the next 13 days - SKINNY ME or even just reasonably sized me!! I can do this... RIGHT?
Monday, July 9, 2012
Liquids are here!
Today marks the beginning of my liquid diet. I feel really unsure about the whole thing, so I can't really say that I am taking this on like a lion. I feel very meek and afraid, to be honest. I can't fathom eating nothing that requires chewing for 2 weeks before surgery and at least 3 after.
FIVE WEEKS without food????? Think about that. No chewing, no eating, no satisfaction. Just drinking and sipping for weeks! I feel like I may starve to death. At least I am going to be hungry, grouchy and feeling very deprived. I know.. I know.. FOCUS ON THE PRIZE.
Ok - the prize is a surgery laden with less complications and risks and more weight loss. That HAS TO BE GOOD, right? It's not like I am going to starve. I will be drinking protein shakes full of vitamins and protein to keep me well and I will be drinking low sugar juices. I can have all the broth I want and I will be eating the hell out of sugar free Jello!
Crap. That didn't work. I am still freaking out and thinking I may starve to death. I am a food addict. I am. I admit out loud to the whole world. I love food, I love chewing food and I love to cook food. The real road begins here, right now. The huge lifelong changes begin, right now. I can do nothing but take this one day at a time and the way I feel right now, I am betting that sometimes it might be one hour at a time.
My goals - NO CHEATING. NO TAKING OUT FRUSTRATION AND HUNGER ON THOSE I LOVE.
Here in the Pacific Northwest, we don't see a lot of thunderstorms. I love to hear the thunder and it might sound a little corny, but right now I feel like it's a great mark to the end of the fat and unhealthy me. It's moving all of the stagnant life out and washing in health and happiness. It's such a fitting and dramatic new beginning! Or maybe it's my stomach growling........ ?
FIVE WEEKS without food????? Think about that. No chewing, no eating, no satisfaction. Just drinking and sipping for weeks! I feel like I may starve to death. At least I am going to be hungry, grouchy and feeling very deprived. I know.. I know.. FOCUS ON THE PRIZE.
Ok - the prize is a surgery laden with less complications and risks and more weight loss. That HAS TO BE GOOD, right? It's not like I am going to starve. I will be drinking protein shakes full of vitamins and protein to keep me well and I will be drinking low sugar juices. I can have all the broth I want and I will be eating the hell out of sugar free Jello!
Crap. That didn't work. I am still freaking out and thinking I may starve to death. I am a food addict. I am. I admit out loud to the whole world. I love food, I love chewing food and I love to cook food. The real road begins here, right now. The huge lifelong changes begin, right now. I can do nothing but take this one day at a time and the way I feel right now, I am betting that sometimes it might be one hour at a time.
My goals - NO CHEATING. NO TAKING OUT FRUSTRATION AND HUNGER ON THOSE I LOVE.
Here in the Pacific Northwest, we don't see a lot of thunderstorms. I love to hear the thunder and it might sound a little corny, but right now I feel like it's a great mark to the end of the fat and unhealthy me. It's moving all of the stagnant life out and washing in health and happiness. It's such a fitting and dramatic new beginning! Or maybe it's my stomach growling........ ?
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Deep Grief
I've been moody all day. Here it is - the 4th of July - and I am grouchy, hungry and sad. :( Yesterday my 6th son would have been 16 years old, so granted, that has clouded my mood for sure. Today I woke up ready to party with my family and BBQ. I packed up the kids, food for the group (most of which I can't eat on Atkins) and headed to my son's house. He told me he was going to start cooking at 11am and I told him I would be bringing a steak for him to grill just for me, since I can't eat hot dogs and hamburger patties are getting pretty old.
I arrived at his house at 11:20. No one else was there yet. I got some good time in with my 7 week old grandbaby, so that was nice, but my son wasn't grilling. I hadn't eaten breakfast so I was pretty hungry. By 12:30 I was asking what time my son might start grilling to which he replied, "when more people are here." By 1:30 I was cranky, very hungry and not feeling well. I hadn't eaten anything in like 16+ hours by then. I explained to my son that I needed to eat something and couldn't eat all of the chips, crackers and other goodies that he had out. Still no grilling. At 2:15 he finally started grilling and I was eating my steak at about 2:45. I felt really resentful about the timing. Hot dogs for everyone else were done at 2:30 and I still couldn't eat. There was no consideration for me. I realized that this is how it will be often times after surgery though and I need to start being much more responsible about eating before events like this. When I have my new gastric sleeve, I won't be able to go that long without eating without feeling very weak or sick. I need to bring snacks/protein drinks that I can eat and not rely on anyone else to understand that I need to eat! Frustrating, but a good lesson learned!
It was harder than I had anticipated to watch everyone eat chips and hamburgers with big fluffy buns, salads and all kinds of fresh fruit. I felt deprived and pissy. Family functions are about food many times and especially in my Italian family. I felt like an outsider and came home early. Food, pop, beer and so many other goodies and I couldn't have any of it. Uggghhh.. I know - I am just being a whiney baby. I got myself to this weight and it's all my fault. I shouldn't be crying about it now, BUT I AM. It's going to be a major change in my life and I am NOT going to be totally caught off guard by all of these drastic changes. I want to know now what to expect, and today was a great example.
The difference between today and next 4th of July though is that when they remove 80%-85% of my stomach, the part that makes Ghrelin will be gone. Ghrelin is the chemical that makes us hungry. I believe that I have a huge over-supply of that! All of these family get togethers should be infinitely easier because I won't be hungry!
I cried tonight talking to my husband about feeling like I will never eat many foods again. I cried and actually laughed at the same time as I said, "I will never eat a banana split again!!" My grief is real and big. It hurts and I imagine it will for quite some time to come. No more bowls of mashed potatoes and gravy for lunch ever again. No ice cream, cookies, cakes, pies, cheesecake, candy... on and on...
My mom asked me today, "Are you sure you want to do this?" and you know what I told her, despite my cranky mood and grief? YES and I wish they would do it today! Somehow I will work through this food addiction and grief to my new self. I will be watching people eat those things and thinking, "It feels a lot better to be skinny than that food tastes!!"
I arrived at his house at 11:20. No one else was there yet. I got some good time in with my 7 week old grandbaby, so that was nice, but my son wasn't grilling. I hadn't eaten breakfast so I was pretty hungry. By 12:30 I was asking what time my son might start grilling to which he replied, "when more people are here." By 1:30 I was cranky, very hungry and not feeling well. I hadn't eaten anything in like 16+ hours by then. I explained to my son that I needed to eat something and couldn't eat all of the chips, crackers and other goodies that he had out. Still no grilling. At 2:15 he finally started grilling and I was eating my steak at about 2:45. I felt really resentful about the timing. Hot dogs for everyone else were done at 2:30 and I still couldn't eat. There was no consideration for me. I realized that this is how it will be often times after surgery though and I need to start being much more responsible about eating before events like this. When I have my new gastric sleeve, I won't be able to go that long without eating without feeling very weak or sick. I need to bring snacks/protein drinks that I can eat and not rely on anyone else to understand that I need to eat! Frustrating, but a good lesson learned!
It was harder than I had anticipated to watch everyone eat chips and hamburgers with big fluffy buns, salads and all kinds of fresh fruit. I felt deprived and pissy. Family functions are about food many times and especially in my Italian family. I felt like an outsider and came home early. Food, pop, beer and so many other goodies and I couldn't have any of it. Uggghhh.. I know - I am just being a whiney baby. I got myself to this weight and it's all my fault. I shouldn't be crying about it now, BUT I AM. It's going to be a major change in my life and I am NOT going to be totally caught off guard by all of these drastic changes. I want to know now what to expect, and today was a great example.
The difference between today and next 4th of July though is that when they remove 80%-85% of my stomach, the part that makes Ghrelin will be gone. Ghrelin is the chemical that makes us hungry. I believe that I have a huge over-supply of that! All of these family get togethers should be infinitely easier because I won't be hungry!
I cried tonight talking to my husband about feeling like I will never eat many foods again. I cried and actually laughed at the same time as I said, "I will never eat a banana split again!!" My grief is real and big. It hurts and I imagine it will for quite some time to come. No more bowls of mashed potatoes and gravy for lunch ever again. No ice cream, cookies, cakes, pies, cheesecake, candy... on and on...
My mom asked me today, "Are you sure you want to do this?" and you know what I told her, despite my cranky mood and grief? YES and I wish they would do it today! Somehow I will work through this food addiction and grief to my new self. I will be watching people eat those things and thinking, "It feels a lot better to be skinny than that food tastes!!"
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Into July we go!
Here marks the beginning of July! I just spent the last June of my life being unhappy with myself. July brings the month of my life changing surgery and now there are exactly 3 weeks until I fly to Mexico.
The weekend brought a little bit of frustration. I peed on a "Keto-Stick" as normal when on the Atkins diet. It's always very reassuring to see that I am in Ketosis (my body is burning fat actively) by seeing the pink, violet or all the way to sometimes purple color on the stick. I was freaked when I looked to see that the stick read "trace" which means my fat burning had slowed way down. I have been SO good - no cheating whatsoever - so I was mad, sad and frustrated. I still haven't figured out what caused the slow down in my fat burning, but I suspect the sugar free breath mint that I ate at work. There must be something in there that tricked my body into thinking that I had eaten sugar. :(
By this morning (Sunday), I was already back into Ketosis and feeling better. No more risks - even if it says sugar free.
I can see the weight loss now. My shape is slightly changing and the skin on my belly is more loose. That's a good feeling... sort of. I have read that many people use keratin and vitamin E enriched lotion on their skin as they lose weight to help their skin be more elastic and regain it's shape. So, I studied the lotions at the local Walgreen's drug store for at least 20 minutes reading labels and trying to find the one that seemed to be the best. You wouldn't believe how many kinds of lotion there are now and how many things they claim to do! The worst thing I saw was how many lotions contain mineral oil or it's cousin petrolatum. Both words mean the same - the by-product of gas refining. It's a cheap oil, readily available and makes a great filler in lotions and other products. Problem is - anything coming from petroleum products would have a carcinogenic property and should really not be used in large amounts on the skin. Baby lotions are full of it -scary! I finally found one that seems safe and has a slight amount of anhydrous caffeine which gives a temporary firming effect on the skin. My hope is that it will help my skin "re-learn" how it should be.
Today I also invested in L'Oreal Visibly Different facial hydration. There's probably freaking mineral oil in it. I didn't look yet.. ... Crap! I want to start defending my face from the same skin sagging that is likely to happen elsewhere.
Eight days now until the liquid diet starts....
The weekend brought a little bit of frustration. I peed on a "Keto-Stick" as normal when on the Atkins diet. It's always very reassuring to see that I am in Ketosis (my body is burning fat actively) by seeing the pink, violet or all the way to sometimes purple color on the stick. I was freaked when I looked to see that the stick read "trace" which means my fat burning had slowed way down. I have been SO good - no cheating whatsoever - so I was mad, sad and frustrated. I still haven't figured out what caused the slow down in my fat burning, but I suspect the sugar free breath mint that I ate at work. There must be something in there that tricked my body into thinking that I had eaten sugar. :(
By this morning (Sunday), I was already back into Ketosis and feeling better. No more risks - even if it says sugar free.
I can see the weight loss now. My shape is slightly changing and the skin on my belly is more loose. That's a good feeling... sort of. I have read that many people use keratin and vitamin E enriched lotion on their skin as they lose weight to help their skin be more elastic and regain it's shape. So, I studied the lotions at the local Walgreen's drug store for at least 20 minutes reading labels and trying to find the one that seemed to be the best. You wouldn't believe how many kinds of lotion there are now and how many things they claim to do! The worst thing I saw was how many lotions contain mineral oil or it's cousin petrolatum. Both words mean the same - the by-product of gas refining. It's a cheap oil, readily available and makes a great filler in lotions and other products. Problem is - anything coming from petroleum products would have a carcinogenic property and should really not be used in large amounts on the skin. Baby lotions are full of it -scary! I finally found one that seems safe and has a slight amount of anhydrous caffeine which gives a temporary firming effect on the skin. My hope is that it will help my skin "re-learn" how it should be.
Today I also invested in L'Oreal Visibly Different facial hydration. There's probably freaking mineral oil in it. I didn't look yet.. ... Crap! I want to start defending my face from the same skin sagging that is likely to happen elsewhere.
Eight days now until the liquid diet starts....
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
16 Pounds down!
My pre-surgery Atkins diet has now taken me down by 16 pounds! I am already noticing a vast improvement in my Asthma ! I will see my primary care doctor in the morning for a blood pressure check and I am willing to bet that is way down too. Granted, I am taking medication for my BP, but I bet it's lower than we've seen it in months. :)
My BMI has now dropped from a whopping and deadly 52% to 49%!
That might not seem like that much to some, but it's doing a world of good for my body and health. I start the pre-op liquid diet in 11 days and I anticpate losing quite a bit more from that.
I actually shared my blog with my dearest and most trusted friends today. It's painful but cleansing too. My pride is bruised a little bit, but I really think that admitting how awful I have become is only the first stage in healing myself and fixing this mess. My clothes are starting to feel loose and I know with my surgery coming in July that I will never wear this size 26/28 again! There won't be any need to keep some of the nice things "in case" I should gain weight back. That will never happen and I will never feel this humiliation ever again about my size. Every single month will bring me closer to my goal!
My BMI has now dropped from a whopping and deadly 52% to 49%!
That might not seem like that much to some, but it's doing a world of good for my body and health. I start the pre-op liquid diet in 11 days and I anticpate losing quite a bit more from that.
I actually shared my blog with my dearest and most trusted friends today. It's painful but cleansing too. My pride is bruised a little bit, but I really think that admitting how awful I have become is only the first stage in healing myself and fixing this mess. My clothes are starting to feel loose and I know with my surgery coming in July that I will never wear this size 26/28 again! There won't be any need to keep some of the nice things "in case" I should gain weight back. That will never happen and I will never feel this humiliation ever again about my size. Every single month will bring me closer to my goal!
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