As I approached the 6 month post op period, I found that my emotions were again in extreme upheaval. I am finding that all of the reasons I had for overeating before or still in my psyche and I am having to deal with deep emotional work to adjust to the new coping mechanisms that I must use now that food can NOT be my tool. Don't get me wrong - finding a healthy way to deal with the pain that life deals out to every single one of us is a GOOD thing and I am grateful for the work. It's just HARD. Boredom, depression, anger and frustration can no longer send me to the fridge for comfort. I am learning to deal with my emotions in a whole new way after 48 years of turning to food. I am a food addict. It's true. I hate the words and I hate the thought that a person as strong as I believe I am can possibly be weak in that way, but I am indeed a food addict and breaking the addiction is painful.
The reaction of clients in real estate, customers at the karaoke bar and friend and family are still mixed. Some act totally unaware that I have lost a whole small person now, while others are quick to compliment and congratulate me. It's weird still to me how some people seemingly feel like if they compliment you they are somehow losing some part of themselves or possibly they fear making you conceited. I've been overweight most of my adult life and my self esteem is very low. Believe me, you aren't going to suddenly make me a pompous, conceited bitch by congratulating me on this weight loss! LOL
Eating is about where it was last time I blogged. Food is not yet my friend and yet not my enemy either. I find no real pleasure in food anymore nor do I watch the clock, waiting for meal time. If I didn't get sharp hunger pains in my stomach every 3-4 hours, I wouldn't eat. The joy of food and eating is long gone. It's really sad to say that, but I know that this is the sacrifice that I needed to make to change my life and get healthy and fit again. My body is not one that wants to be thin naturally. My metabolism is barely existent and to lose weight and keep it off for the rest of my life could take nothing less than having 85% of my stomach surgically removed. I am eating about 500-700 calories per day. The most I have eaten in one day was almost 1000 calories and that took what seemed to me like endless grazing and only happened once. I eat when my body seems to need fuel (it gives me the stomach pain) and not any other time, and really that is ok with me. "Head Hunger" as they call it plagues me on occasion and I have found myself sad that I couldn't sit down and eat a huge helping of some food that I have always loved, but I am so happy with the weight loss. I wouldn't change a thing. Right now my goal is to reach 160 pounds by one my one year surgery anniversary. We'll see if that happens....
