My Surgiversary!

It has now been a year since I had my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. My life has changed pretty dramatically in some ways and just really not so much in others.

I have now lost 140 pounds and I feel much better in my clothes, but I find that I am particularly picky. I am wearing a size 12 for the most part and sometimes a 10. I started last year on this journey wearing a size 28 and really pushing hard into a 30. As I type those numbers I realize that this is a huge victory in itself, but yet I still look in the mirror with disgust most of the time at the sagging skin or fat that yet remains.  :(  I wonder now if I will ever be happy... I was such a beautiful young woman and now at 49 after 10 children, my body is tired and drooping and I am having a rough time accepting and loving it in its imperfection. I know, I know... I need to love and accept myself. In time, I feel like that might come. Right now, I am just frustrated and wanting better. I feel sorry for my husband - he has to look at me naked - but I also trust in his love for me.

My stomach has changed in the past couple of months. I can eat a little more now than I could and with less pain. It scares me. I want that dramatic restriction and being able to eat more just makes me worry that the weight might come back, even though in my brain I know that is HIGHLY unlikely with this surgery. If I could just exercise, I would probably have lost that last 40 pounds that I need to lose to reach my goal, but with my Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia, it's NOT a fun experience. Plenty of times I exercise regardless of the pain and consequences, but I am certainly limited.

I sound like I am not happy with this surgery and I sound pretty negative when in reality I am thrilled with the changes in me and my life. Don't get me wrong here - I am just frustrated with those two aspects.

Being able to buy my clothes in ANY store and find tons of things in my size is thrilling for me, and I haven't been able to do this in 25 years! It's so wonderful to not have to shop only at Lane Bryant or through a catalog somewhere of large clothes! I also love that my feet have also shrunk, allowing me to wear so many more cute styles. It's amazing how much fat we have in our feet when we are that morbidly obese. I have feet that are literally size 8 or 8 1/2 now. When I was young, I wore a 7 1/2. When I was at my largest, I was wearing at least a 10 just to accomodate my fat feet!

Would I do this again? ABSOLUTELY. It's not easy and the changes in my brain are probably just as hard as the changes in my stomach. It's been a road of pain and sadness at times, grieving food and the social joys of food. I'm healthier though and I am more comfortable in my own skin. I have lost some friends along the way that just couldn't seem to accept that I was looking better, and that was very painful. I still grieve and spend time wondering "WHY?" they couldn't just love and accept me in my new body, but I can't fix or change those situations.

IF PEOPLE CAN'T LOVE YOU IN YOUR PHYSICAL BODY, THEY DON'T DESERVE TO KNOW YOUR SOUL.

That is one of my most valuable life lessons through this journey!

The journey continues and I look forward to reaching my goal!

I've lost a small person!

Being a little silly here as my husband took my picture, but here I am - almost exactly 6 months post op. I have now lost 107 pounds and although my weight loss seems to be slowing some, I am still losing and feeling better all the time.

As I approached the 6 month post op period, I found that my emotions were again in extreme upheaval. I am finding that all of the reasons I had for overeating before or still in my psyche and I am having to deal with deep emotional work to adjust to the new coping mechanisms that I must use now that food can NOT be my tool. Don't get me wrong - finding a healthy way to deal with the pain that life deals out to every single one of us is a GOOD thing and I am grateful for the work. It's just HARD. Boredom, depression, anger and frustration can no longer send me to the fridge for comfort. I am learning to deal with my emotions in a whole new way after 48 years of turning to food. I am a food addict. It's true. I hate the words and I hate the thought that a person as strong as I believe I am can possibly be weak in that way, but I am indeed a food addict and breaking the addiction is painful.

The reaction of clients in real estate, customers at the karaoke bar and friend and family are still mixed. Some act totally unaware that I have lost a whole small person now, while others are quick to compliment and congratulate me. It's weird still to me how some people seemingly feel like if they compliment you they are somehow losing some part of themselves or possibly they fear making you conceited. I've been overweight most of my adult life and my self esteem is very low. Believe me, you aren't going to suddenly make me a pompous, conceited bitch by congratulating me on this weight loss! LOL

Eating is about where it was last time I blogged. Food is not yet my friend and yet not my enemy either. I find no real pleasure in food anymore nor do I watch the clock, waiting for meal time. If I didn't get sharp hunger pains in my stomach every 3-4 hours, I wouldn't eat. The joy of food and eating is long gone. It's really sad to say that, but I know that this is the sacrifice that I needed to make to change my life and get healthy and fit again. My body is not one that wants to be thin naturally. My metabolism is barely existent and to lose weight and keep it off for the rest of my life could take nothing less than having 85% of my stomach surgically removed. I am eating about 500-700 calories per day. The most I have eaten in one day was almost 1000 calories and that took what seemed to me like endless grazing and only happened once. I eat when my body seems to need fuel (it gives me the stomach pain) and not any other time, and really that is ok with me. "Head Hunger" as they call it plagues me on occasion and I have found myself sad that I couldn't sit down and eat a huge helping of some food that I have always loved, but I am so happy with the weight loss. I wouldn't change a thing. Right now my goal is to reach 160 pounds by one my one year surgery anniversary. We'll see  if that happens....

Gnarly Side Effects

As of today I weigh 244 pounds exactly and I am down 89 pounds! My brain tells me this is a major accomplishment and I know it's good, but then I look in the mirror....  (Start the Psycho movie music here, or The Twilight Zone music, if you prefer)...

My stomach is sagging and folding in on itself and looks much like a butt on my front with a crack and all. That part has been coming for months, so although it's gross and ugly, it's not so shocking to me. Tonight, I made the mistake of scanning lower. Uggghhhh.... My thighs are parting (like a crack running up them to my "butt in the front" and they are sagging too. Losing this much weight is NOT pretty. The skin and the sagging is horrifying and I feel UGLY.  :(  

My logic tells me that this is part of the process and that it's only temporary but to be honest, one day looking like this is TOO DAMN MUCH. I am feeling so insecure and unsure of what I have done today. I think in many ways I look worse than I did and that feels awful.

Another nasty side effect to the VSG seems to be coming in now as well. I had feared this and it *seems* to be coming true. Right now I am trying hard not to overreact but it seems pretty obvious to me. Women are starting to see me differently and treat me differently. I guess I am less of the fat friend who made them feel safe or better about themselves and more of a potential threat or something. Despite working HARD not to seem like I am flirting or even talking too much to their husbands, they are getting catty and nasty with me. I am getting dirty looks, rolling of the eyes and being ignored by people that I have long considered friends. It makes me really sad. I don't understand why people can't just be happy for the small success I have had. I am no threat for heaven sake! I am happily married and not even mildly attracted to ANY of my friends' men. Although I am a Real Estate Broker during the week, I also work as a part time karaoke host on the weekends for a constant stable paycheck. Every single year for two weeks, the bar I work in closes for the owners to take a trip abroad. They don't trust anyone other than family to run the restaurant/bar so they just close for the whole family to vacation. Well, for the last two weeks I have been off work on the weekends. I made it clear before I was off that I wanted to use that time to see my friends and go sing karaoke somewhere else with my friends as a patron instead of as a host. One night of both weekends I texted friends to let them know where we were going and invite them to come along, and not one person came. I was very saddened by that but then really hurt when we switched bars one night to find them there without inviting us! OUCH. So these people that I spend every weekend with thinking they are not just patrons but my friends really don't want to be around me anymore. One particularly catty and jealous "friend" of mine even looked disappointed that I had found them as we walked in. Wow.... I lose 89 pounds and it just suddenly changes everything, huh? I'm still the same person! :(    I am really sad that this is how it's going to be. I look like a fat middle-aged woman with sagging skin. Do you REALLY see me as a threat? And why in the world would you think for a second that I am attracted to your overweight unattractive husband in the first place? I have NEVER flirted with him or done anything to make you uncomfortable, regardless of the fact that you love to drag my husband on the dance floor to grind on him.... Good grief. Now I remember why I don't have many female friends. We are a pathetic, jealous bunch of bitches. I am embarrassed to be the same sex as some of these people. I wonder how many friends I am going to lose as the weight continues to drop off.....   :(

Running toward the 100 pound mark!

Things are going well. I am a little bit more tired than usual, but overall I am doing well. I am getting in my protein, trying my best to get more than about 400+ calories in per day and losing weight like a fiend! I am now down 86 pounds and getting really excited about reaching the 100 pounds lost mark!

I am noticing more and more loose and sagging skin. It's all over - my neck, my face, my arms, my legs, my butt and my stomach. I guess I was pretty much packed full like a damn sausage.  :(  I continue to use my "Firming Lotion" on all of the saggy parts and I actually have noticed that my arms are sucking up a little bit. I've been reading more about skin removal and tummy tucks. It seems some plastic surgeons are recommending that we wait for a year after reaching goal to see what will truly be necessary and what will suck up on it's own. I'm not sure I can drag this skin around for another 18 months, but it may be what is required. Uggghhh...

I still don't see any new growth of hair and I am more and more lacking with every passing day. I wake up every morning with dreadlocks (two of them to be exact). My falling hair just keeps tangling in itself and making a nasty mess for me to comb everyday. I keep wondering just when exactly it might stop falling out. It's starting to really look like it's ALL going to come out. A friend's nutritionist assures me that it will grow back and might even be thicker than before due to all of the good vitamins and protein. I'm as always HIGHLY impatient. It's going to be years before my hair is back at any decent length....  This part sucks for sure.

My new goal is to be below 200 pounds by March 1, 2013.  I am 47 pounds from 200 right now, so I am well on my way!

Four Months Post-Op

Well, today marks exactly four months by the calendar since my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. Every week is a little different and sometimes each day gives me a new challenge or a new victory. I am still learning to eat and drink adequately and I am still striving to keep my mind in line with my new body.

On the eating front, I am getting in between 400 and 700 calories a day and that is working pretty hard at eating something every 3-4 hours. I am generally getting the required 60 grams of protein each day, but despite my valiant efforts, my hair is almost completely gone now. I had read about hair loss after this surgery but I had no idea how dramatic it would be for me. It's been difficult and a little bit humiliating. I am too vain to go out in public with my little wispy strand of hair so I have opted for wearing a wig. That's a whole new experience for me in itself.  It's like constantly wearing a hat and it has really been hard to feel comfortable with something planted on my head that neither looks natural to me or feels right. I have received lots of compliments on my "hair" but I also know that most people can see that it's a wig and they sneer and roll their eyes sometimes. How judgmental people are when they know NOTHING of one's situation....   :(  I continue to take my Bariatric Surgery vitamins and also Biotin daily but I don't see any real new hair growth yet. It's going to be awhile I think. Water drinking has improved. I can now swallow more at once than a couple of months ago and it's easier to get my 64+ ounces in per day. I am also developing a slight bit of thirst again here and there which has made it easier to drink adequate amounts.

Here is a picture of me before the surgery and after the surgery to show my hair. It's been pretty shocking, and NO, I won't be posting a pic of me without the wig on. I look much like a cancer patient.

My husband tells me that my face is very different now and that I look "like a different person." He's not the best at hiding his emotions on his face and sometimes I can tell he is looking at me with some fear. I know he wonders sometimes if I AM the same person. Rest assured all around me, I AM THE SAME PERSON.

Can you see the difference in me? The first picture was take July 6th, 2012 and the second picture was taken November 22, 2012. I had surgery on July 23rd, 2012.

Other than the wig issue, I am very happy and proud to announce that I have now lost 84 POUNDS.

I was wearing a size 28 (pushing hard into a 30) and now I am almost a true 18. Size 20s are getting baggier each day. I need to lose at least another 50 pounds to feel good about myself, but would really like to lose another 96. Only time will tell where I end up and how much I will lose in the end. Speaking of my "end", it's sure a lot smaller these days but it's also drooping and even walking at a good clip on the treadmill (on the days when my Rheumatoid Arthritis allows it) hasn't toned that. The whole loose skin syndrome is really starting to show and I am more and more self-conscious about my sagging gut and loose skin.  :(  All in time. I keep telling myself this. When the weight is gone, I will have the skin removed (even if I have to sell my freaking body to pay for it) and I will be ok. Scars are better than looking like a Shar Pei.

My husband asked me again the other day with a very sober face, "Do you regret it?" I sat and actually thought on that question for a minute. Stomach pain (extreme hunger), having an unsatisfying BM about every 9 days, tiredness and trying to constantly micro-manage every tiny thing that goes into my mouth aside, I would have to say that I am honestly not regretting this at all. I am getting my life back, my self-esteem back and I am starting to be looked upon and talked to like a normal person again. The value of that is priceless. Would I recommend this surgery to someone considering it today? Absolutely. Get your life back. This is NOT the easy way out and it's not going to fix your obesity by itself, but with hard work, discipline and much courage, you can have your life back.

Drowning...

It's been awhile and usually one could assume that all is well and that's why I haven't posted anything. Well, I guess that's true and false for me.

I continue to struggle with getting in 64+oz. of water a day. It's so dang hard to drink ALL OF THE TIME unless it's 30 minutes before I eat or 30 minutes after I eat. I am probably trying too hard and over thinking this, but I swear it's a full time job just making sure I eat enough and drink enough every day! Most of the time my tummy (or sleeve as I call it) is ok now. I do still have a flood of acid in the morning upon waking, so I literally reach onto the nightstand and grab an acid pill (like Prevacid) and swallow it with water before I even fully wake up. That seems to help calm the acid down and let me feel pretty good. I have heard from other "sleevers" that taking an acid pill is required for the first 6 months until the stomach is totally healed, so I don't feel odd about it. I am getting a lot more water in me these days and my calorie intake is up to about 500-600 calories a day when I work hard at it. I got in 78 grams of protein the other day and that was the most by far that I have gotten since the surgery! I had two protein shakes that day which gave me 50 grams right there - a great way to get it all in - just wish they tasted better. Yuck!

All of the water going in has NOT helped me with the continuous water retention I have been experiencing though. :(   My feet and ankles are LARGE and puffy and the skin actually itches and hurts on them and feel so tight! It's been very uncomfortable. I have theorized that the evil estrogen that haunts me yet could be the culprit. As I am burning fat, the estrogen stored in my fat cells is released and floating in my bloodstream. This has certainly wreaked complete havoc on my moods, and it seems plausible that it is also causing the moderate to severe water retention (edema) now.

I got down to 276 and then it was almost as if my body worked hard to hold water to keep me closer to 280. I lived at 280 for many months a few years ago when I was on Atkins for 18 months and lost a good chunk of weight. I wonder still if my body feels like 280 is a good place to stay...? Anyway, I would see the scale move down and then the next day right back up to 277, 278. It was maddening! I KNOW I am losing weight when I am eating so little and my energy levels have been higher, so I have been moving around more - feeling a little able to be more active. It's been two weeks of this and finally the pain in my feet, ankles, knees and hips was enough for me to realize that I am FULL of water! I saw my PCP this morning. He was amazed at how swollen I was for morning and immediately wrote me a scrip for a pretty strong diuretic (water pill) to start to get rid of some of this water. He thought that my "Estrogen Theory" had merit but also said that it could just be that my body has some imbalances that it's trying to compensate for. He did order a blood draw for my iron levels and electrolytes as he said I am "pale and tired looking". We'll see what those tell us. I think I was tired and pale from working for two days painting and redecorating my living room - another side effect of having a little more energy and less weight to drag around. He chuckled when he looked at my weight at check in today. "You have now lost a First Grader", he said. Seemed a little harsh, but he's right! I DO feel accomplished.  :)

I got on the scale this afternoon as I took my first water pill. I weighed in at 279.2 pounds. DAMN WATER. The pill made a great first stab at the swelling and within 90 minutes I weighed 274.8. I was literally peeing every 10 minutes for awhile there! HOLY COW! I still have I bet 6-10 pounds of water on me, so we will see how much I weigh tomorrow night. LOL It's nice to see the scale moving down once more, as the weight had been lost, but the water wasn't allowing me to see it.

The doc asked me today, "Would you do it over"? I had to think for a moment, but I told him, "yes". It's a very hard road, with pain, and mental pain as well. I have had many down days (no doubt from my enemy estrogen) and I have spent a huge amount of time trying to calculate my daily protein intake and water consumption. It's NOT an easy path, but fact is, it's working!!

Moving Right Along!

The last couple of weeks have been full of emotional ups and downs. I continue to struggle most days with getting in 64oz of water and I have had only a couple of days where I actually got above 60 required grams of protein in one day. It continues to be kind of an annoying, tedious task to eat when not hungry and drink when not thirsty, but I am working hard at it.

The loss of weight has given me more energy for sure. Dragging that extra weight around is tiring at best and without it I am moving more and not hurting quite as much from the Osteoarthritis in my knees. I have now lost 57 pounds since starting my pre-op liquid diet in June of 2012 and I am going strong!

My stomach hurts when I'm hungry and I know to eat some protein. My throat and/or lips get dry and I know to drink. It's so odd still - eating and drinking only for need. The days of eating and snacking and enjoying meals are long gone. Sometimes it's a little bit hard and sad for me, admittedly. I have been very fortunate with this surgery though. I have no hunger, no thirst and really no "head hunger" to speak of. On a rare occasion I will think of something that sounds good to eat, but then within literally a minute or two, the thought it gone. I have not suffered from cravings of foods that are not something I can eat.

Every once in awhile I wonder if I have made the right decision. The gnawing pain in my stomach at times and the occasional intestinal upset, which is as of yet unexplained, are not the most fun to experience. It's hard to think about never eating a normal meal again. It's sad to know that I will never again comfort myself with chocolate when I'm "PMSing", and it's weird to think of family holidays and dinners where I will cook all day to watch everyone else eat. The real truth of it is that there is nothing that tastes as good as feeling good about myself feels. I am feeling more confident and happy every single day. I have SO many pounds yet to lose, but I am starting to see a real difference in my body and I am relieved to know that every single pound that I burn away will NEVER return!

Yes, this surgery is not for the faint of heart and certainly not for someone that is not commited to eating differently for the rest of their life. If you can "stomach" this surgery though, you can have your life back and feel really good about yourself again! More soon...