As of today I weigh 244 pounds exactly and I am down 89 pounds! My brain tells me this is a major accomplishment and I know it's good, but then I look in the mirror.... (Start the Psycho movie music here, or The Twilight Zone music, if you prefer)...
My stomach is sagging and folding in on itself and looks much like a butt on my front with a crack and all. That part has been coming for months, so although it's gross and ugly, it's not so shocking to me. Tonight, I made the mistake of scanning lower. Uggghhhh.... My thighs are parting (like a crack running up them to my "butt in the front" and they are sagging too. Losing this much weight is NOT pretty. The skin and the sagging is horrifying and I feel UGLY. :(
My logic tells me that this is part of the process and that it's only temporary but to be honest, one day looking like this is TOO DAMN MUCH. I am feeling so insecure and unsure of what I have done today. I think in many ways I look worse than I did and that feels awful.
Another nasty side effect to the VSG seems to be coming in now as well. I had feared this and it *seems* to be coming true. Right now I am trying hard not to overreact but it seems pretty obvious to me. Women are starting to see me differently and treat me differently. I guess I am less of the fat friend who made them feel safe or better about themselves and more of a potential threat or something. Despite working HARD not to seem like I am flirting or even talking too much to their husbands, they are getting catty and nasty with me. I am getting dirty looks, rolling of the eyes and being ignored by people that I have long considered friends. It makes me really sad. I don't understand why people can't just be happy for the small success I have had. I am no threat for heaven sake! I am happily married and not even mildly attracted to ANY of my friends' men. Although I am a Real Estate Broker during the week, I also work as a part time karaoke host on the weekends for a constant stable paycheck. Every single year for two weeks, the bar I work in closes for the owners to take a trip abroad. They don't trust anyone other than family to run the restaurant/bar so they just close for the whole family to vacation. Well, for the last two weeks I have been off work on the weekends. I made it clear before I was off that I wanted to use that time to see my friends and go sing karaoke somewhere else with my friends as a patron instead of as a host. One night of both weekends I texted friends to let them know where we were going and invite them to come along, and not one person came. I was very saddened by that but then really hurt when we switched bars one night to find them there without inviting us! OUCH. So these people that I spend every weekend with thinking they are not just patrons but my friends really don't want to be around me anymore. One particularly catty and jealous "friend" of mine even looked disappointed that I had found them as we walked in. Wow.... I lose 89 pounds and it just suddenly changes everything, huh? I'm still the same person! :( I am really sad that this is how it's going to be. I look like a fat middle-aged woman with sagging skin. Do you REALLY see me as a threat? And why in the world would you think for a second that I am attracted to your overweight unattractive husband in the first place? I have NEVER flirted with him or done anything to make you uncomfortable, regardless of the fact that you love to drag my husband on the dance floor to grind on him.... Good grief. Now I remember why I don't have many female friends. We are a pathetic, jealous bunch of bitches. I am embarrassed to be the same sex as some of these people. I wonder how many friends I am going to lose as the weight continues to drop off..... :(
