My pre-surgery Atkins diet has now taken me down by 16 pounds! I am already noticing a vast improvement in my Asthma ! I will see my primary care doctor in the morning for a blood pressure check and I am willing to bet that is way down too. Granted, I am taking medication for my BP, but I bet it's lower than we've seen it in months. :)
My BMI has now dropped from a whopping and deadly 52% to 49%!
That might not seem like that much to some, but it's doing a world of good for my body and health. I start the pre-op liquid diet in 11 days and I anticpate losing quite a bit more from that.
I actually shared my blog with my dearest and most trusted friends today. It's painful but cleansing too. My pride is bruised a little bit, but I really think that admitting how awful I have become is only the first stage in healing myself and fixing this mess. My clothes are starting to feel loose and I know with my surgery coming in July that I will never wear this size 26/28 again! There won't be any need to keep some of the nice things "in case" I should gain weight back. That will never happen and I will never feel this humiliation ever again about my size. Every single month will bring me closer to my goal!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
What's wrong with being obese?
I know, it's pretty hard to read here, but my surgeon emailed this to me. I thought I understood my health issues and their causes until I saw this. These would be considered "Co-morbidities of obesity" and I have a shocking amount of them. I have a migraine headache about once every two weeks. WLS resolves migraine headaches about 57% of the time. Dyslipidemia Hypercholesterolemia is *I think* Gall Bladder disease. My Gall Bladder is FULL of mostly large (and I mean large enough that the CT scan technician noted that they were the biggest he had ever seen) stones. Losing weight rapidly creates more gall stones, so I am pretty much assured a Gall Bladder removal soon. Non-alcoholic Fatty Liver Disease I have to a large extent. My liver is actually palpable below my last few ribs and it actually hurts often. The 37% resolution of inflammation surprises me. I know that losing weight cures it for me, so I believe that will no longer be an issue. "Quality of Life"... well, that's pretty subjective! It says WLS improves the quality of life in patients 95% of the time. DUH! I believe it! Depression is 55% resolved (thank God!), Obstructive Sleep Apnea - no matter how much I deny it, I have to have this to some extent. My poor husband says there are nights when I snore like a buzz saw. It will be 74%-98% resolved. My miserable asthma and coughing will be 82% improved! Cardiovascular disease is what became the final straw for me. I have had a few scary heart incidents that scared me BADLY. It's time to take care of this 48 year old heart. Hypertension... well, you tell me. Normal blood pressure is about 120/60. Mine is usually 184/110+. I am a walking stroke waiting to happen. I am on serious BP meds and it's still not totally controlled. When I am a more normal weight, my blood pressure is LOW. 52%-92% resolved? I think for me more like almost 100%. GERD (acid reflux). If you have this, you know exactly how miserable it is. It's painful and can cause cancer of the esophagus. It's very serious, on top of hurting. 72%-98% resolved. YES! Stress Urinary Incontinence is one of those really humiliating things. Luckily, I only seem to have issues with this if I am really sick and coughing tons for more than a day or two, but when it happens, it's awful! WLS resolves this 44%-88%. No Depends for me!
THE BIGGEST thing - MORTALITY. Being obese kills many people in the USA every single day. When I have this WLS I am reducing my 5-year mortality by 89%. I just became a Grandmother for the first time in May of 2012 and I intend to see her get married and have children. The rest of the co-morbidities listed I don't have, thankfully. I know many people do. I have plenty of them though and the amount was growing month by month. My life starts anew on July 23rd, 2012. The Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy will literally SAVE MY LIFE.
Picture time
It's almost time that I buck up and post a "before" picture (without my head of course).... the thought nearly gives me an anxiety attack, but I need to do it.
As my surgery day draws ever closer, I find that I am really down. Great joy and hope are ahead, and yet I am beginning to really grieve my good friend FOOD. Eating has been my friend, my comfort, my crutch and sometimes my joy. I have used it in times of pain, horrible grief (from losing two children) and in loneliness when my 2nd marriage was so miserable. It has stood by me, faithfully.
Now I know it's time to say goodbye to this lifelong friendship as really all along it's been my worst enemy. My appetite and love for food has destroyed my health, my self esteem and probably two marriages. I don't even know how to say goodbye. I don't know how to never look back on the eating habits I have lived with for 48 years, but I DO know that it's time to kick food to the curb. It's time for me now. It's time to be healthier and feel good about myself. It's time to stop wasting money at fast food outlets that are killing my heart, my body and my self esteem. It's time to take control of my life and never lean on food again. The issues that have helped to make me the obese adult that I am today are still going to be looming, so I know there will be hard days and many days of discovery and tears, but I am ready for the battle.
I will take this battle and it's grief one day at a time and I will do my best not to lose hope. I am gaining a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) which will be my forever tool to one and for all conquer the food that has controlled me! I will eat to live rather than live to eat!
Picture? Not today. LOL Not brave enough yet. One day soon.
As my surgery day draws ever closer, I find that I am really down. Great joy and hope are ahead, and yet I am beginning to really grieve my good friend FOOD. Eating has been my friend, my comfort, my crutch and sometimes my joy. I have used it in times of pain, horrible grief (from losing two children) and in loneliness when my 2nd marriage was so miserable. It has stood by me, faithfully.
Now I know it's time to say goodbye to this lifelong friendship as really all along it's been my worst enemy. My appetite and love for food has destroyed my health, my self esteem and probably two marriages. I don't even know how to say goodbye. I don't know how to never look back on the eating habits I have lived with for 48 years, but I DO know that it's time to kick food to the curb. It's time for me now. It's time to be healthier and feel good about myself. It's time to stop wasting money at fast food outlets that are killing my heart, my body and my self esteem. It's time to take control of my life and never lean on food again. The issues that have helped to make me the obese adult that I am today are still going to be looming, so I know there will be hard days and many days of discovery and tears, but I am ready for the battle.
I will take this battle and it's grief one day at a time and I will do my best not to lose hope. I am gaining a Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy (VSG) which will be my forever tool to one and for all conquer the food that has controlled me! I will eat to live rather than live to eat!
Picture? Not today. LOL Not brave enough yet. One day soon.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Trickle Down On Family
It's raining and cloudy. Big shock for Washington State - the rust capital of the country, right? The rain brings me down and the clouds make it so gray and gloomy, making it even worse. Today brings me even closer to surgery but it feels like forever. I'm a little frustrated, but coping. I guess I would consider this time period something of a "kick myself" time. I'm sure there will be more of those. I had lost 70 pounds on Atkins before! WHY did I stop eating right and get myself here again? WHY do I have no self control when it comes to food? WHY has it had to come to this to change my life and my eating habits?
I have really learned some really valuable things about raising my children. Our genes (at least a portion of them) tell our bodies to be fat. It's just a matter of fact. Some families have skinny people that can eat and eat whatever they want. Not mine. My genes say "eat and eat and hold on to it". It's really important that I gently curb my almost 9 year old daughter's eating habits now before it's too late. She is not fat in any way, but neither was I! She has the voracious appetite that I have always had though and I watch her keep pace with her 13 year old brother. I don't want her to suffer as I have and I certainly don't want her to feel the social stigmatism involved in being obese.
Luckily, it will take little effort on my part to teach my children that are still at home how to eat right in a hurry. As it is now, they eat very balanced meals with carbs and veggies and lots of meat, but we need to make some changes. There needs to be a lot more veggies in this house and a lot more fruit. Macaroni and cheese and Top Ramen are cheap and easy for them to make, but they are empty and basically worth nothing nutrition-wise. My new gastric sleeve and new lifestyle will happily begin the changes in my children and husband as well, whether they like them or not, and I honestly believe we will all be healthier for it!
It's definitely more expensive to eat in a healthy way, which is sad in itself. Only the wealthy can afford to eat the whole foods and organic items they wish to eat. If your income is limited, you are basically relegated to eating that which one can afford. It's going to take some shifting in our family's monthly budget, but to instill better eating habits right now in all of them and make us all healthier, I would say it's very much worth it!
I have really learned some really valuable things about raising my children. Our genes (at least a portion of them) tell our bodies to be fat. It's just a matter of fact. Some families have skinny people that can eat and eat whatever they want. Not mine. My genes say "eat and eat and hold on to it". It's really important that I gently curb my almost 9 year old daughter's eating habits now before it's too late. She is not fat in any way, but neither was I! She has the voracious appetite that I have always had though and I watch her keep pace with her 13 year old brother. I don't want her to suffer as I have and I certainly don't want her to feel the social stigmatism involved in being obese.
Luckily, it will take little effort on my part to teach my children that are still at home how to eat right in a hurry. As it is now, they eat very balanced meals with carbs and veggies and lots of meat, but we need to make some changes. There needs to be a lot more veggies in this house and a lot more fruit. Macaroni and cheese and Top Ramen are cheap and easy for them to make, but they are empty and basically worth nothing nutrition-wise. My new gastric sleeve and new lifestyle will happily begin the changes in my children and husband as well, whether they like them or not, and I honestly believe we will all be healthier for it!
It's definitely more expensive to eat in a healthy way, which is sad in itself. Only the wealthy can afford to eat the whole foods and organic items they wish to eat. If your income is limited, you are basically relegated to eating that which one can afford. It's going to take some shifting in our family's monthly budget, but to instill better eating habits right now in all of them and make us all healthier, I would say it's very much worth it!
Thursday, June 21, 2012
On the road & down 10
I started Atkins Monday, June 18th. My surgeon would like me to lose about 10% of my current body weight before surgery. Losing weight shrinks the enlarged "fatty liver" that I have. The surgeon has to lift part of the liver out of the way for access to the stomach, so shrinking it down makes the surgery easier for him and less dangerous. A tiny knick in the liver could be a serious thing, so this minimalizes that risk.
I haven't been able to eat very much leading up to the start of Atkins because my GERD (severe acid reflux) has been SO bad that I cough and cough from the little tickle in my throat after eating until I vomit my stomach contents. There were times recently when I was literally vomiting three times a day. It's so miserable and uncomfortable. So I imagine I had lost some already when I started Atkins from the 333 I was last time at the doctor, but I am deeply into Ketosis and burning fat from the Atkins diet as I type this and I should be down another 10 before the magic date.
July 9th, 2012 is the "magic date". On that day I must begin a strict lquids only diet that will last until the day of my surgery on July 23rd. I can have protein shakes, juice, water, sugar free popsicles and Jello and some broth. Talk about a tough diet!!!?!?? It's going to be very hard but much easier for me once I am on Atkins for a week or so. My appetite drops so much when I'm not consuming carbs and I feel so much better too!
As of today, June 21st, I have lost 10 pounds and I have another 23 to lose before July 23rd. I feel very confident and excited! I CAN DO THIS.
I haven't been able to eat very much leading up to the start of Atkins because my GERD (severe acid reflux) has been SO bad that I cough and cough from the little tickle in my throat after eating until I vomit my stomach contents. There were times recently when I was literally vomiting three times a day. It's so miserable and uncomfortable. So I imagine I had lost some already when I started Atkins from the 333 I was last time at the doctor, but I am deeply into Ketosis and burning fat from the Atkins diet as I type this and I should be down another 10 before the magic date.
July 9th, 2012 is the "magic date". On that day I must begin a strict lquids only diet that will last until the day of my surgery on July 23rd. I can have protein shakes, juice, water, sugar free popsicles and Jello and some broth. Talk about a tough diet!!!?!?? It's going to be very hard but much easier for me once I am on Atkins for a week or so. My appetite drops so much when I'm not consuming carbs and I feel so much better too!
As of today, June 21st, I have lost 10 pounds and I have another 23 to lose before July 23rd. I feel very confident and excited! I CAN DO THIS.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
So what exactly is this VSG?
Wikipedia says the following:
"Sleeve gastrectomy is a surgical weight-loss procedure in which the stomach is reduced to about 25% of its original size, by surgical removal of a large portion of the stomach, following the major curve. The open edges are then attached together (often with surgical staples) to form a sleeve or tube with a banana shape. The procedure permanently reduces the size of the stomach. The procedure is performed laparoscopically and is not reversible.
For patients that are obese but not extremely obese, sleeve gastrectomy alone is a suitable operation with minimum risks. The sleeve gastrectomy currently is acceptable weight loss surgery option for obese patients as a single procedure. Most surgeons prefer to use a bougie between 32 - 60 Fr with the procedure and the ideal approximate remaining size of the stomach after the procedure is about 15 mL."
My surgeon would disagree slightly with this definition, as he removes 80%-85% of the stomach. When I heal and being again to eat real food, I will be able to eat no more than about 3 oz. per meal. That is between 1/4 of a cup and 1/2 a cup per meal.
Actual VSG Surgery
"Sleeve gastrectomy is a surgical weight-loss procedure in which the stomach is reduced to about 25% of its original size, by surgical removal of a large portion of the stomach, following the major curve. The open edges are then attached together (often with surgical staples) to form a sleeve or tube with a banana shape. The procedure permanently reduces the size of the stomach. The procedure is performed laparoscopically and is not reversible.
[edit] Procedure
Sleeve gastrectomy (also called gastric sleeve) is usually performed on extremely obese patients, with a body mass index of 40 or more, where the risk of performing a gastric bypass or duodenal switch procedure may be too large. A two-stage procedure is performed: the first is a sleeve gastrectomy, and the second is a conversion into a gastric bypass or duodenal switch. Patients usually lose a large quantity of their excess weight after the first sleeve gastrectomy procedure alone, but if weight loss ceases the second step is performed.For patients that are obese but not extremely obese, sleeve gastrectomy alone is a suitable operation with minimum risks. The sleeve gastrectomy currently is acceptable weight loss surgery option for obese patients as a single procedure. Most surgeons prefer to use a bougie between 32 - 60 Fr with the procedure and the ideal approximate remaining size of the stomach after the procedure is about 15 mL."
My surgeon would disagree slightly with this definition, as he removes 80%-85% of the stomach. When I heal and being again to eat real food, I will be able to eat no more than about 3 oz. per meal. That is between 1/4 of a cup and 1/2 a cup per meal.
Actual VSG Surgery
Surprising Reactions
I have been understandingly I would think, quite timid about who I will share this information with here at home. Blogging is different. It's liberating in a way. I know that you don't know me personally and I know that you don't care about telling anyone I might know. I can be open and honest without concern.
As I reached out and began to share my weight loss surgery plan(s) with a few handpicked friends and family, I was surprised to see and hear their reactions. I figured some might feel very worried for my safety. I thought most though would share in my excitement and joy. Ahhh.. but I was so wrong.
A couple of my friends wagged their fingers at me and told me I shouldn't take the "easy way out". They literally had the nerve to tell me to join Weight Watchers and Overeaters Anonymous. Wow. If it were truly just that simple at this point. I was actually told by some that even know I have Rheumatoid Arthritis that I should just "buckle down and exercise". Some expressed only concern for my safety and then wished me well. One or two expressed their worry that I would be changed emotionally or mentally and that they may not like the new me. My own mother expressed deep concern for my safety and health and then gave me a speech about how I would get a lot more male attention and to be careful of that so as not to ruin my happy marriage.
All in all, the reactions could have certainly been worse, but they weren't quite what I anticipated. I have learned some valuable information about friends, women in general and vanity. Many times in my life I have had friends who were jealous or passively aggressive with their friendship. I was always baffled by that. My mom always told me when I was in school that I was beautiful and they were jealous, as a good mom should. Inside though, I could never understand WHY other girls in school were so petty and nasty. I have never been jealous of another woman's looks or clothes or belongings. I have envied a woman's looks, style or weight, but I have NOT been jealous. I just don't seem to have that all too common seed of commonality with other women - the ugly seed of jealousy. I have found that in my life, when I weighed less, I had fewer female friends. I wonder now if they were feeling jealous or if it was a coincidence...? As I got bigger and bigger, I seemed to attract more and more friends. Could it be that women like to be friends with an obese woman to make themselves look and feel better when out together in public? Is that even possible? So now I wonder if I will find myself with fewer friends as I lose weight? Will women be catty and nasty? If it's not plain 'ol jealousy, could it be that attractive women are perceived by their friends as a threat to their intimate relationships? Is a more attractive and lean woman a threat in the office? Could they possibly imagine that if their friend is a normal size they see her as competition and when she's obese, she's no threat?
So my new question to myself is "Will I lose friends when I am thin"?
I have some really amazing friends and I feel very blessed with their love and friendship. I am worried that they will see me differently, and that's a scary thought! I am being honest and rational here. Who would NOT change when their self esteem rises from the ashes? Who would not be a little bit more outgoing when they feel they are as attractive as their friends finally? I don't see those as being negatives at this point. I hope I'm not being naive here, but I will be ME. I am under all of this fat and I will still be here when it's gone.
It's mildly disturbing to me that the people I told about my WLS (weight loss surgery) didn't jump for JOY and yell "Congratulations!!!" I don't know quite what to make of that, but I also know that my self esteem has been in the toilet for too long. It's time for me to be reborn into my new body and I am grateful as hell to have this WLS to use as a tool to make my goal!
I have 7 sons and all of them reacted with what I can best describe as fear. They are worried about the surgery, the trip, the healing and the HUGE sacrifices in food to come after surgery. When I asked them straight out, "Won't you be proud to finally have a thin mom?" not one replied with a "yes". As a matter of fact most glossed over me even saying that. I was very surprised by that too. Maybe they were just trying to be kind..? Naww... Not my sons! LOL
Only time will tell who stays by my side and falls away. I hope many prove that as I type this I am being silly and paranoid. :)
As I reached out and began to share my weight loss surgery plan(s) with a few handpicked friends and family, I was surprised to see and hear their reactions. I figured some might feel very worried for my safety. I thought most though would share in my excitement and joy. Ahhh.. but I was so wrong.
A couple of my friends wagged their fingers at me and told me I shouldn't take the "easy way out". They literally had the nerve to tell me to join Weight Watchers and Overeaters Anonymous. Wow. If it were truly just that simple at this point. I was actually told by some that even know I have Rheumatoid Arthritis that I should just "buckle down and exercise". Some expressed only concern for my safety and then wished me well. One or two expressed their worry that I would be changed emotionally or mentally and that they may not like the new me. My own mother expressed deep concern for my safety and health and then gave me a speech about how I would get a lot more male attention and to be careful of that so as not to ruin my happy marriage.
All in all, the reactions could have certainly been worse, but they weren't quite what I anticipated. I have learned some valuable information about friends, women in general and vanity. Many times in my life I have had friends who were jealous or passively aggressive with their friendship. I was always baffled by that. My mom always told me when I was in school that I was beautiful and they were jealous, as a good mom should. Inside though, I could never understand WHY other girls in school were so petty and nasty. I have never been jealous of another woman's looks or clothes or belongings. I have envied a woman's looks, style or weight, but I have NOT been jealous. I just don't seem to have that all too common seed of commonality with other women - the ugly seed of jealousy. I have found that in my life, when I weighed less, I had fewer female friends. I wonder now if they were feeling jealous or if it was a coincidence...? As I got bigger and bigger, I seemed to attract more and more friends. Could it be that women like to be friends with an obese woman to make themselves look and feel better when out together in public? Is that even possible? So now I wonder if I will find myself with fewer friends as I lose weight? Will women be catty and nasty? If it's not plain 'ol jealousy, could it be that attractive women are perceived by their friends as a threat to their intimate relationships? Is a more attractive and lean woman a threat in the office? Could they possibly imagine that if their friend is a normal size they see her as competition and when she's obese, she's no threat?
So my new question to myself is "Will I lose friends when I am thin"?
I have some really amazing friends and I feel very blessed with their love and friendship. I am worried that they will see me differently, and that's a scary thought! I am being honest and rational here. Who would NOT change when their self esteem rises from the ashes? Who would not be a little bit more outgoing when they feel they are as attractive as their friends finally? I don't see those as being negatives at this point. I hope I'm not being naive here, but I will be ME. I am under all of this fat and I will still be here when it's gone.
It's mildly disturbing to me that the people I told about my WLS (weight loss surgery) didn't jump for JOY and yell "Congratulations!!!" I don't know quite what to make of that, but I also know that my self esteem has been in the toilet for too long. It's time for me to be reborn into my new body and I am grateful as hell to have this WLS to use as a tool to make my goal!
I have 7 sons and all of them reacted with what I can best describe as fear. They are worried about the surgery, the trip, the healing and the HUGE sacrifices in food to come after surgery. When I asked them straight out, "Won't you be proud to finally have a thin mom?" not one replied with a "yes". As a matter of fact most glossed over me even saying that. I was very surprised by that too. Maybe they were just trying to be kind..? Naww... Not my sons! LOL
Only time will tell who stays by my side and falls away. I hope many prove that as I type this I am being silly and paranoid. :)
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
How I got to where I am today...
Obesity.. it came on me over the years and without any surprise really from me either. I have been a ravenous eater and a lover of food since I was a baby, according to my mom. I love to cook, I love to feed and I love to eat! As a teen I burned off my caloric intake. I could eat breakfast, lunch, a double quarter pounder from McD's and then go home for dinner. I was skinny - shapely and healthy! Adults always told me, "One day that eating will catch up with you" but really I didn't believe them. Why should I? I was thin and beautiful and there seemed no end to it. That was in the late '70s and '80s.
Life changed with the birth of my first child. Something clicked within me and my metabolism changed drastically. All of a sudden I had a tummy. A tummy that wouldn't go away with exercise. A tummy that just sort of led me wherever I went. I hated it. I remember feeling SO fat then. I weighed 150 lbs. A second child within 13 months only complicated the whole tummy issue and pretty soon I had even more tummy to deal with. I only gained 28 pounds with my first child and 22 with the second, so it's not like I was gaining excessive amounts of weight with them. I breastfed exclusively because I wanted my babies to have a great start, and everyone told me that breastfeeding would slim me down. Unfortunately, breastfeeding seemed to ignite a newer, even more voracious appetite. I was hungry all the time! I didn't eat junk food or sweets either. I ate meat and veggies and plenty of them! Unfortunately, I wasn't using all of the calories I was eating and the weight just packed on and on. By the end of 1990, I had given birth to 4 beautiful sons. I was a stay at home mom with a little bit of a neurotic cleaning need. My house was clean, my kids were clean and still I wasn't moving around enough to burn the calories I was consuming.
By 1991, I was dieting with all my might and attending Weight Watchers. I lost about 30 pounds eating the smaller portions, but I felt highly deprived and I quickly fell back into my old ways and portions when I quit WW. I had really raised my self-esteem losing that 30 pounds and I believe I was nearly below the 200 lb. mark at that time. I bought some cute stylish clothes and I felt pretty good. Gaining the weight back and then some left me sad and deflated. I felt like a failure and I felt like losing weight was pretty much a hopeless task. It was about that time that my husband whom I had always believed was my soulmate, frankly told me one day that he was no longer attracted to me. He broke my heart and I was totally discouraged. I always believed (and YES, I still do) that if one TRULY loves someone else, their weight is not an obstacle. His comment destroyed our marriage and my self-esteem.
I had another son in 1993 with my new husband and tipped the scales at about 230 lbs. Of course, I breastfed him and therefore lost nothing during that time period. Afterwards, I worked to lose some weight with different methods from Slim Fast shake meal substitutions and just cutting back on my portion sizes. I would lose a small amount, like maybe 10-15 lbs and then gain it all back and then some. I started to become keenly aware then of what seemed like a true need to be obese. I felt comfortable in my skin when I was fatter. I was fearful of the looks and glances from men that I got when I was smaller and the fat served as a protection against those looks. My fear of those glances is explainable. I'll leave that for another post.
In 1994 I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. My pain was intense and I was told by my Rheumatologst that I would most likely be wheelchair bound by the time I was 40. I felt pretty darn defeated. It hurt too much to exercise so even my pathetic occasional attempts to ride an exercise bike were over. It seemed at that point that losing weight was pretty hopeless.
As the years passed by, I gained and gained until I was into a size 26/28 at Lane Bryant. I felt awful about myself and I knew that I had to make some changes. 1996, 1997, 1998 and 2000 brought more babies. My son born in 1996 died at 15 days of age from a rare lung protein deficiency and my daughter (the first daughter I had!) died in 1997 at only 13 hours from the same disorder. Then started a completely new chapter in my addiction to food. Wow... I just typed that. I am a food addict. I feel like I should stand up in a 12 step program meeting or something. I'm not trying to be flippant about this. I MEAN IT. I am a true addict and I am admitting this to myself right now, here. My extreme grief promoted eating for comfort. This new twist in my addiction was the most dangerous. I found myself sitting down for a lunch that consisted of a serving bowl FULL of mashed potatoes and gravy with of course tons of butter, regularly. Carbs and junk food and anything that temporarily would fill that terrible hole of grief in me. Of course, the food didn't fix it and just made me even bigger. I was 275 lbs.
I think I gave up about then. I ate as I wished and I entered what I call my "androgenous stage". I gave up on makeup, put my hair up all the time and wore flannel shirts because they came big enough in the big men's section to fit around me. I looked awful. My husband gave up on me about then and I can't say that I blame him. He didn't touch me unless desperate and I wasn't comfortable at all with my body or size, so it was usually ok with me. I felt unloved, unwanted and alone. I spent my time homeschooling my kids and volunteering as a Scoutmaster for a Boy Scout Troop. My sons loved the camping and activities and buried myself in being a "super volunteer". I also gave many hours per week volunteering for my church and I continued to gain weight.
By 2003, I was over 300 lbs and my health was really starting to suffer. My blood pressure was rising and I was easily winded. I was not a typical woman in my late 30's. I felt OLD. I was in daily pain from the RA and I was putting tremendous amounts of pain on my joints which only made me feel worse. It was vicious cycle of pain, depression, weight gain.
I started on a serious medication for my RA in 2006 which is actually a form of chemotherapy. Something clicked in me then. I can't really explain it, but I decided as I stepped off the doctor's scale seeing the number 333 pop up that enough was enough! I started on Atkins with my husband who was also obese and we did very well. I was highly disciplined and just watch as the weight dropped and dropped off of me. I felt SO proud when I was under 300 and I just kept losing. I got to about 275 and although I was still very large, I was feeling so much better about myself that I started buying some cuter clothes, tanning, wearing makeup and getting my nails done. I did my hair everyday and I was proud for the first time in a REALLY long time. I started to get some looks from a few men and some attention at my job, and I loved it. It was about that time that I decided that my sexless marriage was over and I divorced my husband. I found a sexy, handsome man and fell madly in love. My whole idea at that time was to continue to lose weight and feel even better. Instead, I fell off of the Atkins wagon and began gaining all of that weight that I fought so hard to lose back.
Luckily, my husband is my true soulmate. My weight is number one, irrelevant to him, and number two, he seems to be a bit of a "chubby chaser" as I lovingly call him. I have since developed many comorbidities to severe obesity though. I have severely high blood pressure, swelling on my knees and ankles (no doubt from the terrible force inflicted on them daily), migraines, severe GERD (acid reflux) and occasional congestive heart failure. I am a mess. I am ashamed, sad and angry with myself. I am taking a pretty serious blood pressure medication and GERD acid blockers and I hate having to rely on medications to be here and ok. I stepped onto the scale at my doctor's office a couple of months ago and saw that ugly number again.... 333.
I started right then researching, talking to doctors, attending a seminar on weight loss surgery and making plans to change my life. I am self-employed as a Realtor and I don't have my own medical insurance. My husband's plan is sparse and although it costs us a small fortune out of every one of his paychecks, it doesn't cover much and especially not weight loss surgery. I immediately sprang into action to start saving every dollar I could. I came across the Mexico option and made my decision that this was going to happen soon. VERY soon.
So I am now pre-op, waiting for my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. This blog will be all about my journey to surgery, my fears, my goals and all of the research and information gathering that I have done about this amazing surgery that will transform my life! It's a little bit scary, a little bit anxiety-provoking and incredibly exciting all at once!
Life changed with the birth of my first child. Something clicked within me and my metabolism changed drastically. All of a sudden I had a tummy. A tummy that wouldn't go away with exercise. A tummy that just sort of led me wherever I went. I hated it. I remember feeling SO fat then. I weighed 150 lbs. A second child within 13 months only complicated the whole tummy issue and pretty soon I had even more tummy to deal with. I only gained 28 pounds with my first child and 22 with the second, so it's not like I was gaining excessive amounts of weight with them. I breastfed exclusively because I wanted my babies to have a great start, and everyone told me that breastfeeding would slim me down. Unfortunately, breastfeeding seemed to ignite a newer, even more voracious appetite. I was hungry all the time! I didn't eat junk food or sweets either. I ate meat and veggies and plenty of them! Unfortunately, I wasn't using all of the calories I was eating and the weight just packed on and on. By the end of 1990, I had given birth to 4 beautiful sons. I was a stay at home mom with a little bit of a neurotic cleaning need. My house was clean, my kids were clean and still I wasn't moving around enough to burn the calories I was consuming.
By 1991, I was dieting with all my might and attending Weight Watchers. I lost about 30 pounds eating the smaller portions, but I felt highly deprived and I quickly fell back into my old ways and portions when I quit WW. I had really raised my self-esteem losing that 30 pounds and I believe I was nearly below the 200 lb. mark at that time. I bought some cute stylish clothes and I felt pretty good. Gaining the weight back and then some left me sad and deflated. I felt like a failure and I felt like losing weight was pretty much a hopeless task. It was about that time that my husband whom I had always believed was my soulmate, frankly told me one day that he was no longer attracted to me. He broke my heart and I was totally discouraged. I always believed (and YES, I still do) that if one TRULY loves someone else, their weight is not an obstacle. His comment destroyed our marriage and my self-esteem.
I had another son in 1993 with my new husband and tipped the scales at about 230 lbs. Of course, I breastfed him and therefore lost nothing during that time period. Afterwards, I worked to lose some weight with different methods from Slim Fast shake meal substitutions and just cutting back on my portion sizes. I would lose a small amount, like maybe 10-15 lbs and then gain it all back and then some. I started to become keenly aware then of what seemed like a true need to be obese. I felt comfortable in my skin when I was fatter. I was fearful of the looks and glances from men that I got when I was smaller and the fat served as a protection against those looks. My fear of those glances is explainable. I'll leave that for another post.
In 1994 I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. My pain was intense and I was told by my Rheumatologst that I would most likely be wheelchair bound by the time I was 40. I felt pretty darn defeated. It hurt too much to exercise so even my pathetic occasional attempts to ride an exercise bike were over. It seemed at that point that losing weight was pretty hopeless.
As the years passed by, I gained and gained until I was into a size 26/28 at Lane Bryant. I felt awful about myself and I knew that I had to make some changes. 1996, 1997, 1998 and 2000 brought more babies. My son born in 1996 died at 15 days of age from a rare lung protein deficiency and my daughter (the first daughter I had!) died in 1997 at only 13 hours from the same disorder. Then started a completely new chapter in my addiction to food. Wow... I just typed that. I am a food addict. I feel like I should stand up in a 12 step program meeting or something. I'm not trying to be flippant about this. I MEAN IT. I am a true addict and I am admitting this to myself right now, here. My extreme grief promoted eating for comfort. This new twist in my addiction was the most dangerous. I found myself sitting down for a lunch that consisted of a serving bowl FULL of mashed potatoes and gravy with of course tons of butter, regularly. Carbs and junk food and anything that temporarily would fill that terrible hole of grief in me. Of course, the food didn't fix it and just made me even bigger. I was 275 lbs.
I think I gave up about then. I ate as I wished and I entered what I call my "androgenous stage". I gave up on makeup, put my hair up all the time and wore flannel shirts because they came big enough in the big men's section to fit around me. I looked awful. My husband gave up on me about then and I can't say that I blame him. He didn't touch me unless desperate and I wasn't comfortable at all with my body or size, so it was usually ok with me. I felt unloved, unwanted and alone. I spent my time homeschooling my kids and volunteering as a Scoutmaster for a Boy Scout Troop. My sons loved the camping and activities and buried myself in being a "super volunteer". I also gave many hours per week volunteering for my church and I continued to gain weight.
By 2003, I was over 300 lbs and my health was really starting to suffer. My blood pressure was rising and I was easily winded. I was not a typical woman in my late 30's. I felt OLD. I was in daily pain from the RA and I was putting tremendous amounts of pain on my joints which only made me feel worse. It was vicious cycle of pain, depression, weight gain.
I started on a serious medication for my RA in 2006 which is actually a form of chemotherapy. Something clicked in me then. I can't really explain it, but I decided as I stepped off the doctor's scale seeing the number 333 pop up that enough was enough! I started on Atkins with my husband who was also obese and we did very well. I was highly disciplined and just watch as the weight dropped and dropped off of me. I felt SO proud when I was under 300 and I just kept losing. I got to about 275 and although I was still very large, I was feeling so much better about myself that I started buying some cuter clothes, tanning, wearing makeup and getting my nails done. I did my hair everyday and I was proud for the first time in a REALLY long time. I started to get some looks from a few men and some attention at my job, and I loved it. It was about that time that I decided that my sexless marriage was over and I divorced my husband. I found a sexy, handsome man and fell madly in love. My whole idea at that time was to continue to lose weight and feel even better. Instead, I fell off of the Atkins wagon and began gaining all of that weight that I fought so hard to lose back.
Luckily, my husband is my true soulmate. My weight is number one, irrelevant to him, and number two, he seems to be a bit of a "chubby chaser" as I lovingly call him. I have since developed many comorbidities to severe obesity though. I have severely high blood pressure, swelling on my knees and ankles (no doubt from the terrible force inflicted on them daily), migraines, severe GERD (acid reflux) and occasional congestive heart failure. I am a mess. I am ashamed, sad and angry with myself. I am taking a pretty serious blood pressure medication and GERD acid blockers and I hate having to rely on medications to be here and ok. I stepped onto the scale at my doctor's office a couple of months ago and saw that ugly number again.... 333.
I started right then researching, talking to doctors, attending a seminar on weight loss surgery and making plans to change my life. I am self-employed as a Realtor and I don't have my own medical insurance. My husband's plan is sparse and although it costs us a small fortune out of every one of his paychecks, it doesn't cover much and especially not weight loss surgery. I immediately sprang into action to start saving every dollar I could. I came across the Mexico option and made my decision that this was going to happen soon. VERY soon.
So I am now pre-op, waiting for my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. This blog will be all about my journey to surgery, my fears, my goals and all of the research and information gathering that I have done about this amazing surgery that will transform my life! It's a little bit scary, a little bit anxiety-provoking and incredibly exciting all at once!
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