My Surgiversary!

It has now been a year since I had my Vertical Sleeve Gastrectomy. My life has changed pretty dramatically in some ways and just really not so much in others.

I have now lost 140 pounds and I feel much better in my clothes, but I find that I am particularly picky. I am wearing a size 12 for the most part and sometimes a 10. I started last year on this journey wearing a size 28 and really pushing hard into a 30. As I type those numbers I realize that this is a huge victory in itself, but yet I still look in the mirror with disgust most of the time at the sagging skin or fat that yet remains.  :(  I wonder now if I will ever be happy... I was such a beautiful young woman and now at 49 after 10 children, my body is tired and drooping and I am having a rough time accepting and loving it in its imperfection. I know, I know... I need to love and accept myself. In time, I feel like that might come. Right now, I am just frustrated and wanting better. I feel sorry for my husband - he has to look at me naked - but I also trust in his love for me.

My stomach has changed in the past couple of months. I can eat a little more now than I could and with less pain. It scares me. I want that dramatic restriction and being able to eat more just makes me worry that the weight might come back, even though in my brain I know that is HIGHLY unlikely with this surgery. If I could just exercise, I would probably have lost that last 40 pounds that I need to lose to reach my goal, but with my Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia, it's NOT a fun experience. Plenty of times I exercise regardless of the pain and consequences, but I am certainly limited.

I sound like I am not happy with this surgery and I sound pretty negative when in reality I am thrilled with the changes in me and my life. Don't get me wrong here - I am just frustrated with those two aspects.

Being able to buy my clothes in ANY store and find tons of things in my size is thrilling for me, and I haven't been able to do this in 25 years! It's so wonderful to not have to shop only at Lane Bryant or through a catalog somewhere of large clothes! I also love that my feet have also shrunk, allowing me to wear so many more cute styles. It's amazing how much fat we have in our feet when we are that morbidly obese. I have feet that are literally size 8 or 8 1/2 now. When I was young, I wore a 7 1/2. When I was at my largest, I was wearing at least a 10 just to accomodate my fat feet!

Would I do this again? ABSOLUTELY. It's not easy and the changes in my brain are probably just as hard as the changes in my stomach. It's been a road of pain and sadness at times, grieving food and the social joys of food. I'm healthier though and I am more comfortable in my own skin. I have lost some friends along the way that just couldn't seem to accept that I was looking better, and that was very painful. I still grieve and spend time wondering "WHY?" they couldn't just love and accept me in my new body, but I can't fix or change those situations.

IF PEOPLE CAN'T LOVE YOU IN YOUR PHYSICAL BODY, THEY DON'T DESERVE TO KNOW YOUR SOUL.

That is one of my most valuable life lessons through this journey!

The journey continues and I look forward to reaching my goal!

I've lost a small person!

Being a little silly here as my husband took my picture, but here I am - almost exactly 6 months post op. I have now lost 107 pounds and although my weight loss seems to be slowing some, I am still losing and feeling better all the time.

As I approached the 6 month post op period, I found that my emotions were again in extreme upheaval. I am finding that all of the reasons I had for overeating before or still in my psyche and I am having to deal with deep emotional work to adjust to the new coping mechanisms that I must use now that food can NOT be my tool. Don't get me wrong - finding a healthy way to deal with the pain that life deals out to every single one of us is a GOOD thing and I am grateful for the work. It's just HARD. Boredom, depression, anger and frustration can no longer send me to the fridge for comfort. I am learning to deal with my emotions in a whole new way after 48 years of turning to food. I am a food addict. It's true. I hate the words and I hate the thought that a person as strong as I believe I am can possibly be weak in that way, but I am indeed a food addict and breaking the addiction is painful.

The reaction of clients in real estate, customers at the karaoke bar and friend and family are still mixed. Some act totally unaware that I have lost a whole small person now, while others are quick to compliment and congratulate me. It's weird still to me how some people seemingly feel like if they compliment you they are somehow losing some part of themselves or possibly they fear making you conceited. I've been overweight most of my adult life and my self esteem is very low. Believe me, you aren't going to suddenly make me a pompous, conceited bitch by congratulating me on this weight loss! LOL

Eating is about where it was last time I blogged. Food is not yet my friend and yet not my enemy either. I find no real pleasure in food anymore nor do I watch the clock, waiting for meal time. If I didn't get sharp hunger pains in my stomach every 3-4 hours, I wouldn't eat. The joy of food and eating is long gone. It's really sad to say that, but I know that this is the sacrifice that I needed to make to change my life and get healthy and fit again. My body is not one that wants to be thin naturally. My metabolism is barely existent and to lose weight and keep it off for the rest of my life could take nothing less than having 85% of my stomach surgically removed. I am eating about 500-700 calories per day. The most I have eaten in one day was almost 1000 calories and that took what seemed to me like endless grazing and only happened once. I eat when my body seems to need fuel (it gives me the stomach pain) and not any other time, and really that is ok with me. "Head Hunger" as they call it plagues me on occasion and I have found myself sad that I couldn't sit down and eat a huge helping of some food that I have always loved, but I am so happy with the weight loss. I wouldn't change a thing. Right now my goal is to reach 160 pounds by one my one year surgery anniversary. We'll see  if that happens....