I have now lost 140 pounds and I feel much better in my clothes, but I find that I am particularly picky. I am wearing a size 12 for the most part and sometimes a 10. I started last year on this journey wearing a size 28 and really pushing hard into a 30. As I type those numbers I realize that this is a huge victory in itself, but yet I still look in the mirror with disgust most of the time at the sagging skin or fat that yet remains. :( I wonder now if I will ever be happy... I was such a beautiful young woman and now at 49 after 10 children, my body is tired and drooping and I am having a rough time accepting and loving it in its imperfection. I know, I know... I need to love and accept myself. In time, I feel like that might come. Right now, I am just frustrated and wanting better. I feel sorry for my husband - he has to look at me naked - but I also trust in his love for me.
My stomach has changed in the past couple of months. I can eat a little more now than I could and with less pain. It scares me. I want that dramatic restriction and being able to eat more just makes me worry that the weight might come back, even though in my brain I know that is HIGHLY unlikely with this surgery. If I could just exercise, I would probably have lost that last 40 pounds that I need to lose to reach my goal, but with my Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibromyalgia, it's NOT a fun experience. Plenty of times I exercise regardless of the pain and consequences, but I am certainly limited.
I sound like I am not happy with this surgery and I sound pretty negative when in reality I am thrilled with the changes in me and my life. Don't get me wrong here - I am just frustrated with those two aspects.
Being able to buy my clothes in ANY store and find tons of things in my size is thrilling for me, and I haven't been able to do this in 25 years! It's so wonderful to not have to shop only at Lane Bryant or through a catalog somewhere of large clothes! I also love that my feet have also shrunk, allowing me to wear so many more cute styles. It's amazing how much fat we have in our feet when we are that morbidly obese. I have feet that are literally size 8 or 8 1/2 now. When I was young, I wore a 7 1/2. When I was at my largest, I was wearing at least a 10 just to accomodate my fat feet!
Would I do this again? ABSOLUTELY. It's not easy and the changes in my brain are probably just as hard as the changes in my stomach. It's been a road of pain and sadness at times, grieving food and the social joys of food. I'm healthier though and I am more comfortable in my own skin. I have lost some friends along the way that just couldn't seem to accept that I was looking better, and that was very painful. I still grieve and spend time wondering "WHY?" they couldn't just love and accept me in my new body, but I can't fix or change those situations.
IF PEOPLE CAN'T LOVE YOU IN YOUR PHYSICAL BODY, THEY DON'T DESERVE TO KNOW YOUR SOUL.
That is one of my most valuable life lessons through this journey!
The journey continues and I look forward to reaching my goal!
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