Today is Day 8 of my torturous liquid diet before surgery. I spent several days with a really bad stomach ache and incredible "head hunger". "Head Hunger" is evil. It's not like you are physically hungry. It's just that psychologically you want something to chew, or taste or you just feel like you should be eating, even though you are full or not needing to eat. Head hunger is powerful. Even though I have never been addicted to cigarettes, I have known people well who were and quit. I liken head hunger to quitting smoking and still having that horrible desire to put that cigarette or something into your mouth. It's that same kind of feeling you get in certain instances as a smoker quitting - like after sex, after meals, while drinking, etc. Head hunger is really tough on the emotions. Not being able to taste or eat food makes one sad, irritable, maybe even angry. You feel deprived and it's very hard to distract yourself from it. The more I try to describe it, the more I think a food addict trying to be on a liquid diet for 8 days is much like a smoker trying to quit!
But I digress... so the first few days were extremely hard with the endless head hunger. I drank my protein shake, I was satisfied and yet I was wanting FOOD. It made me embarrassingly cranky and even though I kept almost a mantra in my head of "don't take this out on those you love", I found it hard to be civil and kind. I'm ashamed of my behavior. It was really not the best. It's not like I was awful to anyone, but my lack of patience and criticism of others that I strive to not show were right out front! I picked at my husband's grammar and I yelled at other drivers in my car on the road. I was impatient with my daughter, who talks almost non-stop at 8. I just felt like a spoiled child that wanted candy and had been told "no".
On top of the head hunger and irritability, I was literally in pain for days. My stomach ached. I finally found out what it is to go to bed hungry and I now know what it means to really say, "I am starving!" The pain in my stomach wasn't excruciating or anything - just an ache that never seemed to really go away. After some broth or a protein drink it would ease a little bit, but it just never went away. Finally I woke up on Day 7 and realized that the pain had finally eased! Hurray!
Today was the easiest day yet - 3 protein shakes and 3 mugs of broth. I boiled down some turkey wings and made my own broth that was SO much tastier than the canned chicken "stuff". My daughter turned 9 today and we celebrated at my son's house with fantastic BBQ and a beautiful cake. I felt no temptation. As a matter of fact, I wasn't really even interested. Food is just not that appealing anymore. SCARY, huh?
My mother cried a little bit tonight. At first I thought she was just worried about me, but she said that she just felt odd that she wasn't doing this with me. We used to be so close and we're just not anymore (long story, different blog). She asked me twice if I couldn't just do Atkins and lose some weight like I did a few years ago and be satisfied. I reminded her that Atkins will never be a permanent solution to my weight problem and that I desperately need the help that the sleeve will give me as the perfect tool for my situation. Everyone else in my family seems to have accepted that this is what I am going to do. Some seem a little more concerned than others, most are not supportive in words at all, but I know that they know in their hearts that this surgery is going to prolong my life and bring back a quality of life that I haven't known since I was a very young adult.
I'm in the homestretch now. I will fly to Mexico in 5 days. FIVE DAYS!!!! My surgery is in 6 days. My new life is so close at hand. I will do my best to keep my mind busy for the next few days with packing and trip preparations so that it goes even faster.
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