Deep Grief

I've been moody all day. Here it is - the 4th of July - and I am grouchy, hungry and sad.  :(   Yesterday my 6th son would have been 16 years old, so granted, that has clouded my mood for sure. Today I woke up ready to party with my family and BBQ. I packed up the kids, food for the group (most of which I can't eat on Atkins) and headed to my son's house. He told me he was going to start cooking at 11am and I told him I would be bringing a steak for him to grill just for me, since I can't eat hot dogs and hamburger patties are getting pretty old.

I arrived at his house at 11:20. No one else was there yet. I got some good time in with my 7 week old grandbaby, so that was nice, but my son wasn't grilling. I hadn't eaten breakfast so I was pretty hungry. By 12:30 I was asking what time my son might start grilling to which he replied, "when more people are here." By 1:30 I was cranky, very hungry and not feeling well. I hadn't eaten anything in like 16+ hours by then. I explained to my son that I needed to eat something and couldn't eat all of the chips, crackers and other goodies that he had out. Still no grilling. At 2:15 he finally started grilling and I was eating my steak at about 2:45. I felt really resentful about the timing. Hot dogs for everyone else were done at 2:30 and I still couldn't eat. There was no consideration for me. I realized that this is how it will be often times after surgery though and I need to start being much more responsible about eating before events like this. When I have my new gastric sleeve, I won't be able to go that long without eating without feeling very weak or sick. I need to bring snacks/protein drinks that I can eat and not rely on anyone else to understand that I need to eat! Frustrating, but a good lesson learned!

It was harder than I had anticipated to watch everyone eat chips and hamburgers with big fluffy buns, salads and all kinds of fresh fruit. I felt deprived and pissy. Family functions are about food many times and especially in my Italian family. I felt like an outsider and came home early. Food, pop, beer and so many other goodies and I couldn't have any of it. Uggghhh.. I know - I am just being a whiney baby. I got myself  to this weight and it's all my fault. I shouldn't be crying about it now, BUT I AM. It's going to be a major change in my life and I am NOT going to be totally caught off guard by all of these drastic changes. I want to know now what to expect, and today was a great example.

The difference between today and next 4th of July though is that when they remove 80%-85% of my stomach, the part that makes Ghrelin will be gone. Ghrelin is the chemical that makes us hungry. I believe that I have a huge over-supply of that! All of these family get togethers should be infinitely easier because I won't be hungry!

I cried tonight talking to my husband about feeling like I will never eat many foods again. I cried and actually laughed at the same time as I said, "I will never eat a banana split again!!" My grief is real and big. It hurts and I imagine it will for quite some time to come. No more bowls of mashed potatoes and gravy for lunch ever again. No ice cream, cookies, cakes, pies, cheesecake, candy... on and on...

My mom asked me today, "Are you sure you want to do this?" and you know what I told her, despite my cranky mood and grief? YES and I wish they would do it today! Somehow I will work through this food addiction and grief to my new self. I will be watching people eat those things and thinking, "It feels a lot better to be skinny than that food tastes!!"